Despite being the publisher of one of the most inconsequential Substacks in stack history, I’ve managed to achieve the honor of interviewing the field general for the Greenland Invasion Force (GIF), Usha Vance. Usha will be commanding a brigade of dogs to invade and conquer Greenland. I had questions.
I need to thank Usha and her husband JD for sitting down with me on a cozy couch at Holt’s Sweet Shop in Valdosta Georgia for this chat.
Most of the interview questions and answers have been changed for national security reasons and potential DEI violations.
The interview
Me: Thank you both for sitting down with me. This is going to do wonders for my neverending quest for new subscribers, and I may even achieve my lifelong dream of becoming an influencer. I’m hoping to maybe add a paid subscriber or two as a result of this exclusive interview, too!
Usha: You’re--
JD: You’re quite welcome, Charles. I’ve read a lot of your work. Your pen name alone has put you on more lists than Kash Patel can count.
Me: So, like, two?
JD: Ha, funny, asshole.
Me: Before we start with the questions about the invasion, I’m curious why all the employees ran out the door upon your arrival. Place is empty.
JD: Surrender in advance? Gosh, I dunno what else it might be.
Me: Okay, well, whatever. So my first question, Usha, is an obvious one. Since you’ve never led a military brigade made of humans or dogs, was the choice to give you the Greenland Invasion Force command a DEI hire? And if so, won’t Orange Puff blow a gasket?
Usha: Well…
JD: What Usha is trying to say is that she’s very well qualified for this position, as she has trained our dog Atlas, a powerful German Shepherd, to say the words, “Gulf of America.” I believe this is a first. As for our Great Leader blowing a gasket, that’s evergreen.
Me: The dog training should help with the invasion, no doubt. Any new names for Greenland popping up in that squirrelly little nugget they call a brain of yours?
JD: Trumpland. That’s it. That’s the new name.
Me: Usha, how do you feel about naming the country you conquer after a known sexual predator?
Usha: I’m--
JD: We both feel that it’s a great honor to serve our great president and leader, Don--
Me: We don’t say his name on this substack. Don’t even think about it. Usha, what is your strategy for taking Greenland? Feel free to tell us, since we know your boss, Boozer Hegseth, is comfortable sharing military secrets with journalists.1
Usha: Well, it’s--
JD: What Usha is trying to say is that it’s not quite as simple as that. If we were on a Signal chat we could discuss this matter because, as you know, the messages there are encrypted. Here, the walls have ears.
Me: You do know that Signal is not military-grade encryption since, among other reasons, the software is not maintained by the Defense Department, right?
JD: Who even knows what military-grade encryption means? Certainly not me.
Me: Excellent point. Usha, next question. Where will the invasion force land and what will be its first targets?
Usha: The first--
JD: Usha’s point here is that the landing spots could change any day. That’s the beauty of the kind of brilliant military strategy that only this administration could possibly conceive. This or that. Could be that. Could be there. Or could be here. It’s impossible for the enemy to build a strategy against us when we don’t know what we plan on doing ourselves. But at the end of the day, I’m guessing our first target will be the capital, Kuuk.
Me: Well, at least that won’t require a renaming process to honor the Thief in Chief.
Usha: He means--
JD: Usha is trying to say I meant Nuuk, not Kuuk.
Me: Is Kuuk also on the drawing board, Usha?
Usha: I don’t think--
JD: What Usha means here is that there doesn’t appear to be a place named Kuuk on the Greenland map.
Me: Can’t we just have one added like we did with Gulf of America?
JD: I like how you think.
Me: Eww. What are you doing? Don’t sit closer to me on the couch, K?
JD: Sorry. Habit.
Me: Usha, why dogs?
Usha: They’re--
JD: Usha was originally sent to Greenland to be in charge of a dogsled race, but we decided to expand on that right quick, seeing as that it’s a vast country with few people. So Pete, he’s the defense secretary, powered down a liter of Absolut and came up with the idea of sending Usha to use the dogsled dogs to take point in the initial attack on Greenland.
Me: I’m not a military man, but doesn’t taking point usually involve other troops?
Usha: Not--
JD: What Usha means here is that when you have such a large, undefended territory, all you need is a few dogs.
Me: Thank you, Usha. Another question. Since Greenland is part of the Kingdom of Denmark, and Denmark is a member of NATO, along with the U.S., and the NATO treaty specifies that an attack on one NATO country is an attack on all, doesn’t that mean we’ll be at war with both Denmark and NATO?
Usha: Denmark’s--
JD: Usha is trying to say here that this is the brilliance of the campaign in a nutshell. Sowing confusion is a specialty of our great leader, who probably would have been a general had he not had bone spurs.
Me: Usha, how do you plan to reward the dogs after they conquer Greenland?
Usha: Oh! I--
JD: Homeland Secretary Kristi Noem has made special plans for them but has not yet revealed them to us. She has a way with dogs, you know. Also, Health Secretary Bobby Kennedy Jr. said he’d love to mount one on the top of his car. Or did he say mount the dog? I can’t remember. Well, anyway, I think we’ve got it all figured out.
Usha: But--
JD: Usha would obviously like to emphasize that our plans to reward the dogs are buttressed by many things.
Me: Finally, Usha, how do you know that the Mole with a Hole will let you back into the country after your successful invasion of Greenland? At the risk of profiling you, aren’t you right up there on the top of the list of possible deportees?
Usha: If I have to live in Greenland for the rest of my life to get away from this dipshit (looks at JD), I’ll gladly do it.
Notes
Thanks for reading!
Footnotes
Copp, Tara, Aamer Madhani, and Eric Tucker. 2025. “Trump Officials Texted War Plans to a Group Chat in a Secure App That Included a Journalist.” AP News. March 24, 2025. https://apnews.com/article/war-plans-trump-hegseth-atlantic-230718a984911dd8663d59edbcb86f2a.
Hilarious! "What Usha means is..." You captured the the signature bellicosity of Vance perfectly.
"What Usha means here”….😂😂😂😂😂