BREAKING: Trump Creates New Human Timeline
Changes in the timeline raise questions about what's next
In a development that has shocked physicists, Donald Trump today altered the human timeline.
The news was revealed during a simple Q&A about Federal Reserve chairman Jerome Powell after Trump told Republican lawmakers in a closed-door meeting (they didn’t want flies attracted to Trump’s swollen face, so they shut that door, and they shut it hard) that he was considering firing Powell.
In comments to reporters afterwards, Trump said, “He's a terrible Fed chair. I was surprised he was appointed. I was surprised, frankly, that Biden put him in and extended him, but they did.”1
The comment immediately sent historians who thought Trump nominated Powell in 2017 during his first term scrambling for answers.
As historians researched the issue, physicists became involved to help determine what might have happened.
In a Ruminato exclusive, Dr. Harry Hemogoblin III, a physicist hired by Robert F. Kennedy Jr to run the Department of Health and Human Services’ vaccination program, has reached out to the Ruminato News Service to declare that a new timeline has been created.
“Most of you know we’ve all been living in an alternate reality for some time now. I’d say, perhaps, this began as long as ten years ago, although I cannot be sure of this because the timeline is always subject to change,” Dr. Hemogoblin said in a statement issued only to Ruminato.
“I can say definitively that our fearless leader has indeed changed the timeline. In this newly created timeline, Joe Biden not only installed Jerome Powell as the Fed Chair but did so over the objections of Congress. As such, we have made the decision to dissolve Congress, since it has proven to be a completely and utterly worthless institution.”
Dr. Hemogoblin also said that the various portraits of Biden we may be familiar with are no longer valid, and that, through this new timeline, official White House portraits of Biden have automagically changed.
“They now carry that aura of leadership and executive invincibility we have all come to expect in a president,” Dr. Hemogoblin said in the statement provided to Ruminato.
More details may follow, unless the Ruminato News Service gets sucked into a time vortex itself, or Ruminato’s own fearless leader has another damn stroke like the lightweight he is.
Thanks for reading!
Footnotes
Garrison, Joey. 2025. “Trump Denies Plans to Fire Fed Chairman Jerome Powell - despite What He Told Republicans.” USA TODAY. July 16, 2025. https://www.usatoday.com/story/news/politics/2025/07/16/trump-denies-plans-to-fire-fed-chairman-jerome-powel/85243142007/.
In case it's not obvious, the only real part of this "breaking news story" is that the mad clown really did say that Biden appointed Powell, when, in fact, the mad clown appointed him (and Congress confirmed) in 2017.
LOL! Well done.
Trump has managed to rend the very fabric of Space and Time.
There are those who say of the mentally absent "The lights are on but nobody's home."
In his case, we're left debating whether or not the light is even on. I mean, the house has obviously been abandoned and partially demolished so my argument is that, not only is the light NOT on, but it was destroyed in the general collapse.