BREAKING! Trump Surrenders to Iran but It’s the Best Surrender Ever in History
Nobody has ever surrendered so perfectly and so victoriously!
Today, a broken, demented, defeated sexual predator pretending to be president surrendered to Iran in the most ignominious way someone deflecting attention from the Epstein files could possibly manage. His incoherent babble was issued forth from his True Sociopath social media app thusly:1
STATEMENT OF PRESIDENT DONALD J. TRUMP:
Based on the fact that the Government of Iran is seriously fractured, not unexpectedly so and, upon the request of Field Marshal Asim Munir, and Prime Minister Shehbaz Sharif, of Pakistan, we have been asked to hold our Attack on the Country of Iran until such time as their leaders and representatives can come up with a unified proposal. I have therefore directed our Military to continue the Blockade and, in all other respects, remain ready and able, and will therefore extend the Ceasefire until such time as their proposal is submitted, and discussions are concluded, one way or the other. President DONALD J. TRUMP
A temporary cease-fire extended indefinitely but now maybe permanent but nobody knows so we should just think ya, we’re gettin’ out of there while the gettin’s good, as long as Netanyahu is satisfied that he’s slaughtered enough Lebanese! And sorry, folks, but this shiz only deserves an unreadable run-on sentence.
Sometimes I feel sorry for the mainstream media trying to cover this maniac, but then I remember that they don’t lead off all their stories with appropriate descriptions of his mental state, so then I just get mad instead.
Not “throwing ketchup on the wall” mad.
Just, you know, that tired resignation we all feel every day type of mad. It’s that foggy, full head of unrelenting depression over our current state of existence. It’s a heavy feeling that never leaves. It weighs us down every hour of every day. An entire nation is stifled by the stench of an overcooked carcass of dementia, madness, and criminality basting in an oven tended by a host of drunken crooks.
And today, the carcass finally said, “I surrender.”
Iran’s victorious Islamic Republic responded accordingly when an adviser to the Iranian Parliament Speaker Mohammad Bagher Ghalibaf said:2
“The extension of the cease-fire by Donald Trump has no meaning. The losing side cannot set the terms.”
Ouchie poo poo, that’s gonna require a diaper change for the drooling, sleeping, King Théoden of Rohan stinky Epstein evader. No wonder his peeps drink so damn much.
Make no mistake, this is the Mad King’s surrender. He has no place left to go. No other country, besides Israel, of course, will help him deal with a war that was specifically designed to achieve two objectives:
Deflect from the Epstein Files. Mission Accomplished. The mainstream press says nary a word about it. Not even most of the refugees from the mainstream media who pretend to be independent journalists here on Substack are barking much about Epstein these days.
Insider trading to enrich his family and friends. This has also been a resounding success. Much coinage has been created and deposited into the many money laundromats in his crime empire.
The world’s geopolitics took a pretty good beating from this goofy, nasty business where the only real “accomplishment” was the slaughter of about 200 innocent schoolchildren in Iran.
Oh, and now Iran officially runs the Strait of Hormuz. So there’s that. Well done, Drunky Kegsbreath and company. A strait that had previously been on nobody’s radar, filled with hundreds of oil tankers every day, has officially been militarized and is now at the mercy of a nasty regime that slaughters its own people for sport.
It’s difficult, at this point, to measure such an amazing accomplishment. Unless you hit the gas station today.
So, the madness of King TrumpEpstein will now direct itself to the next deflection, presumably when the word “Epstein” reaches a certain number on Google search term query counts.
Nobody knows what that number is, except, perhaps, Susie Wiles, who would make the Wicked Witch of the West seem like a professional cuddler if she were around today.
Polymarket, which is about to score $400 million in new funds from tech finance bros,3 is presumably going to lay its money on an attack on Cuba next. Much more money is about to go into the hopper of the Trump mafia family and its cronies.
Warcopters will descend upon Havana. Hardened, tough soldiers with imposing special forces tattoos will slide down ropes looking for their next target. Kushner Estates will plan its million-dollar condominiums on the beaches of Havana.
Maybe Cuba’s leader will get snatched, maybe not. If so, it will be a great victory. If not, it will also be a great victory.
It’s always a great victory. Because 78 million idiots wouldn’t vote for a woman, every day is a great victory in today’s America. Not a victory for you, and not a victory for me. But the crime family will be richer than ever. It will be even richer tomorrow. No matter what the regime does, money will flow into the hands of its wealth-hoarding friends.
Thanks for reading!
Footnotes
Broadwater, Luke, Jonathan Swan, Farnaz Fassihi, Somini Sengupta, Pranav Baskar, Shirin Hakim, Euan Ward, et al. “Iran War Live Updates: Trump Extends Cease-Fire With Iran.” Nytimes.com. The New York Times, April 21, 2026.
🎁 Ruminato Gift Link The New York Times 🎁
Yang, Yueqi, and Katie Roof. “Polymarket in Talks to Raise Money at About $15 Billion Valuation.” The Information, April 20, 2026. https://www.theinformation.com/articles/polymarket-talks-raise-money-15-billion-valuation.
With all the commentary about what’s fair and unfair, analyzing how we could do better at warring, how about the perspective of war as a primitive abomination? Is there any writing about it being a playing field for castigation instead of for strategizing?
Any war that is started without consulting Congress is unlawful. The felon was influenced by Netanyahu because we know Bibi tried it with several former presidents who had more sense than to start an unwinnable war. Bowing to Netanyahu, who has a legendary argument with Iran was one of the more stupid moves he’s made. It’s way past time to remove him from office. He is a madman!