Every time Ruminato gets a paid subscriber (you know who you are — thank you!), I’m able to hire 47 new correspondents. My secret? I pay Soviet era East European wages because I’m a communist. One of our 47 newest correspondents has received this exclusive transcript of…
Date Night at the West Wing!
Featuring TrumpleThinSkin and his new trad wife, Natalie!
So get yourself a nice warm glass of Jeppson’s Malört, top it off with some ketamine dust (if there is such a thing), and enjoy the show.
Note: Although this might technically be satire, the True Sociopath video at the end of this post that Herr TrumpEpsteinTacoFührer released is real.
Natalie: The new video is ready, pumpkin.
Predator in Chief (PRIC): I hate it when you call me that. What if the fake media finds out that’s your nickname for me?
Natalie: I only say it to you, pumpkin.
PRIC: I’ll allow it.
Natalie (looking up): You don’t have the room bugged, do you?
PRIC: No, of course I don’t have the room bugged. If I did, some communist infiltrator would find them and release the tapes to Katie Phang.
Natalie: She scares the hell out of me. Oh, did I tell you? Last night I couldn’t sleep, so I counted the video cameras on the ceiling. 4700 seems like a lot.
PRIC: You never know when a globalist will try to assassinate me. They’re everywhere these days. Them and the communists and socialists. The NFL is full of them. And all the players are Black now.
Natalie: Why? Are we running out of white people who can play football?
PRIC: We’re running out of white people in general. It’s a travesty. Stephen Miller, he’s a very smart man. A little spooky, but very smart. He helped me win Ohio. He tells me that if we don’t deport all the immigrants by Christmas, the white race will be eliminated.
Natalie (sobbing): Where will I go if that happens?
PRIC: We have fortified shelters in Greenland. Nobody knows about them. But they’re fantastic. State-of-the-art underground bunkers. The best that science has to offer. A few of us will be able to make our escape there until the ballroom is done.
Natalie (whimpering): Will I be able to come?
PRIC: Well, it’s a choice between you and Melanie, but I don’t think Melanie is interested.
Natalie: Melanie?
PRIC: You know, Barron’s mom? I think. I should check with my people on that. Or maybe Don Junior knows. Or, no, no, I’ll ask Kushner. He knows everything.
Natalie: You’re so sexy when you’re confused. Especially when you’re thinking about Kushner, because that means you’re thinking about his wife.
PRIC: My lovely daughter. She’s really terrific. I could have dated her once, but I was a very busy man when I was younger. Okay, great. So what’s the new video about? Heather COX Richardson says it’s fantastic. Is Heather COX right?
Natalie: How does she know?
PRIC: I dunno. She musta saw it.
Natalie: Oh. I must have hit “Send.”
PRIC: That’s okay, we can watch it together (snuggles close).
Natalie (scrunching up nose): Ummm.
PRIC: We may need to make a few more like this so that the American people understand how powerful I am. Maybe a video of me nuking a Democratic city, like Savannah.
Natalie: Why Savannah?
PRIC: Why not? It’s full of communists and transvestites. But it’s not so big that people will care. I think I could improve our Midterm chances a lot in Georgia that way.
Natalie: I like the approach. You’re good cop and bad cop. $5,000 to those who vote for you, nukes to those who don’t.
PRIC: It’s time to really show these dirtbags who’s in charge. And Hegseth has fired all the Biden LGQwhatever DEI generals who would lie to me and try to tell me it’s a bad idea. Bunch of whiners.
Natalie: This is so exciting. And after that, you can declare martial law!
PRIC: Yep. All the losers and communists will be upset. Even some of the globalist pinkos at Fox will be. But a man’s gotta do what a man’s gotta do.
Natalie: If we nuke Savannah, it will be safe to go to the beach again, right? Susie Wiles told me that the beaches aren’t safe there because of all the Gullah Geechee people that are there.
PRIC: The what? What’s that?
Natalie: I dunno, pumpkin, but it sounds scary.
PRIC: I don’t know anything about beaches and nukes. I’ll ask Hegseth. But maybe we can just deport all these Gullah Geechee people you’re talking about instead. You know. Make beaches safe again. What color are they?
Natalie (shrugs): Dark, I think?
PRIC: God in heaven, where the hell do all these people come from?
Natalie: I asked Stephen that just the other day.
PRIC: He knows a lot about this stuff. He’s our immigration expert, you know. What did he say?
Natalie: Uh, huh. He says there’s a big hole in the ground in China, and they let them in through there, from hell, and ship them to us in the middle of the night on big container ships when nobody is watching.
PRIC: That’s terrifying. Does he have video?
Natalie: I think so. But if he doesn’t, can’t I just use AI? They all voted for you in Ohio because they believed the eating cats and dogs thing.
PRIC (sounding angry): They believed it because it’s true.
Natalie: I know bumpkin. But Kamala didn’t believe it.
PRIC: That’s because she’s a globalist Californian from the People’s Republic of San Francisco pretending to be Black. And I beat her in a landslide. The biggest landslide in history, but the fake news media pretended it was a close election because they stole all the votes from the Dominic machines.
Natalie: Dominion?
PRIC: I dunno. Whatever. The machines that Starlink wasn’t able to hack.
Natalie: Oh. I’m so confused.
PRIC: There’s nothing wrong with being confused. The fake media wants you to think it’s not okay, but it’s okay. Trust me. It’s okay. Everything is okay. As long as I’m president.
Natalie: But if Kamala’s not Black, who is?
PRIC: You can’t worry about that. Whoever we say is Black, is Black. It’s really that simple. And there’s good Black and bad Black. Clarence, he’s good. Stephen A. Smith, not so much. But sometimes he is. But I decide. So whenever I say he’s good, we use our media platform to let everyone know.
Natalie: What about Black FBI agents? Are they good?
PRIC: Probably not. Kash is working on that. That’s why he’s been recruiting new agents from cow brothels.1
Natalie: White agents, right?
PRIC: Of course.
Natalie: Should I make a cow brothel recruitment video?
PRIC: Sure, why not? But not now. We’ve got work to do. (snuggles up closer)
Natalie (scrunching up nose): Okay, do you want to see the video I made, pumpkin?
PRIC: Let’s see it.
Natalie: It’s still a little raw.
PRIC: That’s okay, Nat, so are you, and I love you, don’t I?
Natalie: Awww, you’re always so sweet to me. I will love you until the end of time. I will do anything for you. I will march through forest fires to reach you. I will captain a ship full of fools. I will…
PRIC: Damn, turn off Elon’s AI generated-conversation microchip and play the damn video.
Natalie (hitting the play button on her phone and handing it to him): Okay, my love.
PRIC: I look fantastic, don’t I?
Natalie: The word that comes to mind for me is “majestic.”
PRIC: Majestic. I like that. Yes, Your Majesty. I like that, too. Print out an Executive Order: I hereby declare that all Cabinet members from here on out refer to Donald J. Trump, chief executive and president of the United States, Canada, Cuba, Greenland, Venezuela, and the Strait of Trump, formerly known as the Strait of Hormuz, as Your Majesty. (printer whirring next to Natalie in the bed). This directive takes effect immediately. No exceptions, not even Miller.
Natalie: Yes, pumpkin, I love it!
PRIC: Call me “Your Majesty,” or you’re fired.
Thanks for reading!
Notes
Hey, this is a good time to plug my short story about AI microchips that help people generate conversations. Not a humorous story, but not overly dark, either, and with a happy ending! Yay! We need stories with happy endings these days.
Hijacked
It is fair to say that my wife has finally found her way back to me, returned to me as a man by the conversational AI that snatched her, wearing a skin that’s not hers.
Thanks for reading!
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He sounds too coherent to be himself.
Except for all of the “big words” this could have been a real conversation. His obsession with staying in office is probably not going to happen, because his dementia is getting worse by the day.