Exclusive but Possibly Satirical Look Into the Musk v. Scott Bessent Fight
Ruminato was there
As some of you know, Ruminato, the greatest news service ever, is one of the few media outlets with access to the Oval Office. Our most recent report was a scoop on a key Oval Office meeting:
This morning, Ruminato was invited to sit in on another Oval Office meeting in the wake of the physical altercation between a doped-up Elon Musk and a dope named Scott Bessant, who, for unknown reasons, has been given permission by Congress to run the Treasury Department into the ground.
As reported by the always reliable Daily Mail,1 Musk shoved Bessant over Musk’s promise to use his TraitorBots to cut $1 trillion from federal spending. All without Congressional involvement! A lofty promise indeed.
According to the esteemed Daily Mail:
Former Chief Strategist Steve Bannon told DailyMail.com that Musk's turbulent time in the White House was marred when he physically 'shoved' 62-year-old Treasury Secretary Scott Bessent after he was confronted over wild promises to save the administration 'a trillion dollars'.
'Scott Bessent called him out and said, 'You promised us a trillion dollars (in cuts), and now you're at like $100 billion,2 and nobody can find anything, what are you doing?'' the prominent MAGA figure revealed.
'And that's when Elon got physical. It's a sore subject with him.
'It wasn't an argument, it was a physical confrontation. Elon basically shoved him.'
Bannon said the physical altercation came as the two billionaires moved from the Oval Office to outside Chief of Staff Susie Wiles' office, and then outside the office of the then National Security Advisor, Mike Waltz.
Normally, I would never believe anything the Daily Mail or Steve Bannon says. It’s not much different than listening to a Flat Earther.
But I digress.
Here’s a transcript of the subsequent meeting concerning the fallout of this confrontation, along with other issues.
The meeting, as usual, was led by lead henchman Susie Wiles.
Trigger warning: Lots of F bombs and raw language. It’s the Trump White House. You expected Paddington Bear?
The Meeting
Wiles: Okay, everyone, sit the fuck down. Lil X, stop punching Donald. Elon, for fuck’s sake, put the crack pipe away.
RFK Jr.: When did Elon start smoking crack? (extends palm) Let me just check that out for you to make sure it’s safe for human consumption.
Wiles: Fuck’s sake. Alright, everyone, we have a lot on this morning’s agenda. Lil X, the fuck? Stop poking Donald in the eye with that pen.
Pete Hegseth: I have an announcement to make.
Wiles: Shut the fuck up, Pete, you’ll be called after you’ve had some time to sober up.
Kristi Noem: It’s 9 am.
Wiles: Oh, goody, the ding dong from Homeland speaks. How did you even get into this meeting without your badge?
Stephen Miller: The restaurant theft was several weeks ago, Ms. Wiles, your honor, your grace, your most magnificent malevolence. We got her set up a few days ago.
Wiles (purring, puts hand on Miller’s hand and strokes a finger): The way you talk just sings to me, my pet. Let’s start today’s report with you. Who have you sent to their death today?
Stephen Miller: Well, as Kristi said…
Kristi Noem: Pervert!
Stephen Miller: … it’s only 9 am. So I don’t have a formal report on that yet.
Wiles: Homeland, do you have something you’d like to add to your outburst?
Kristi Noem: It’s nothing, ma’am. Stephen visited my office the other day, and it’s just usually a somewhat traumatic event. Nothing I can’t handle.
Wiles: Good. Well, the hell with it. Let’s just jump right into the dust up. Scott?
Scott Bessent: Well, it’s simple. Elon thought it was a good idea to shove a 62 year old man who dared to ask about his claim that he’d cut the budget by one trillion dollars.
Wiles: Elon? What do you have to say for yourself?
Elon: The Daily Mail got the story wrong. It was my adorable little powder keg over there who shoved Scott.
Wiles: Little X?
Elon: Yeah. He was feeling feisty. We gave him access to the nuclear codes and told him he could smoke Greenland if he needed to let off a little extra steam, so everything is kosher now.
Donald: We did?
Pete Hegseth: By the way, quick report: I just moved Greenland over to the Northern Command to piss off the Dutch.
Wiles: What part of “When you are called on” do you not understand, you wet-brained imbecile? I’ll let you know when you can speak.
Lil X (crawling across desk, slams empty bottle of Tito’s over Hegesth’s head): Yeah, dummy!
Donald (a small amount of spittle drooling down lower lip): We need to talk about the Biden robot clone.
Wiles: And then what happened?
Donald: I don’t know. I’ll need to check my sources. The last I heard, Hillary created an army of pedo Lil X clones.
Wiles: No, sorry sir, I was talking to Scott. (scribbles down notes)
Donald: I’m very happy with this meeting. Maybe we should do a round of praise.
At this juncture, all the meeting participants, one by one, praise Donald in one short sentence.
Donald: That’s fantastic. Just fantastic. I love all of you. Except for Little Mario. Is he here? Mario? Where are you? (silence) Okay, now, can we get to work on finding who created the Biden clone? Have we excavated his body yet after the execution?
Lil X (hurriedly crawling across desk): You’re not the fucking president, stupid. (Hits Donald over the head with Hegseth’s full bottle of Tito’s.)
Pete Hegseth: Somebody get that away from him.
Wiles (on a desk phone): We’re going to need the Defense Secretary detained again for a few hours. Yup. Thanks. Okay, back to the fight. So, Elon, you are claiming that Lil X started it?
Elon: Well, nothing is black and white. There’s a severance here we need to look at, a severance between a perception that might be given off by meritless and prejudiced observation, and truth. Insert emoji. We need to create an observable link between Scott’s inappropriate claims about the budget and Lil X’s shove. I don’t believe a connection can necessarily be made.
Wiles: Understood. Okay, on to the next topic of the day.
Scott Bessent: Wait. Don’t we need to resolve the discrepancy?
Wiles (fuming): The Soros guy interrupts me? Fuck this shit. You! In the corner! You know what to do.
At this juncture, a man in a medieval executioner’s hood approaches with a large sabre and beheads Bessent.
Wiles: Lil X, clean that shit up! Homeland dumbass? Unleash the clone!
Kristi Noem (tapping her phone): Yes, ma’am.
At this juncture, a cloned copy of Scott Bessent takes a seat on the opposite end of the table from where the original was.3
JD Vance: Ewww, he’s drinking it.
Wiles: Shut up, JD, or you’re next. Look, y’all know we are fuck behind on the president’’s agenda. Stop the Ukraine war on day one? Nope. Mario? What the fuck, little man? That pest Zelenenskyy just wasted half the Russian fuckin’ strategic bomber fleet and today took out the Kerch Bridge to Crimea again.4
Mario Rubio: I’ll give him a call, Ma’am.
Wiles: Fucks sake. Ask him when the fuck he’s gonna take Moscow while you’re at it. Eggs cheaper? I don’t even know or give a shit. But we probably should say something about it. Where’s Barbie?
Karoline Leavitt: Right here, ma’am.
Wiles: Good. Tell the idiots out there that eggs are cheaper. And wear a bigger cross.
Karoline Leavitt (pulling out necklace with larger crucifix from a tiny purse): Yes, ma’am.
At this juncture, upon seeing the Leavitt crucifix, Stephen Miller emits a blood-curdling scream.
Wiles: Another problem is that the Big Beautiful Bill Elon generated for us… wait. Elon, why are you here? I thought you left.
Elon (pulling out his phone): Email dated yesterday. (squints) Yes, you asked me to be here to discuss the situation with the Treasury guy.
Wiles: Well, he’s no longer with us, is he, genius? Besides, you look like a pile of walking cordyceps. Go home and get some sleep and stop taking so much Ketamine if you want to fucking live.
Elon (tipping black MAGA hat): Will do, Ma’am.” (Begins to gather Lil X)
Wiles: No, he stays. He’s fairly useful around here.
At this juncture, Elon shrugs and heads for the exit, jumping in the air as he nears the door. He turns around, gives a Heil Hitler sign, pirouettes, and walks out the door, followed closely behind by the hooded beheader guy. Lil X crawls over to Donald and jumps around his neck and begins to pummel Donald in the face.
Donald: Any news on the Biden clone? I have a golfing session with a sheik in an hour. I need answers, people.
Wiles: Okay, so another problem is the Big Beautiful Bill.
Donald: Not a problem, Susie. It took Elon about five minutes to generate that bill with his AI machine. That’s why I call it a big beautiful bill. Nobody will ever read it all.
Stephen Miller: With respect, sir, another AI system can easily parse the bill and pull out key points.
Donald: Well, that’s one of the things that makes it so incredibly beautiful. Look. Even the lamestream liberal commy press is calling it the Big Beautiful Bill.
Wiles: But there’s a problem. We promised not to tax Social Security, overtime, or tips.
Bessent clone: You dumbasses. What the hell is wrong with you?
At this juncture, Lil X crawls over and bites the Bessent clone on the neck.
Karoline Leavitt: This is not a problem, ma’am. I’ll just tell everyone that the tax cuts are in there.
Wiles: Fine. What about the way the bill guts Medicaid?
Trump: It’s a beautiful thing, but damn, where the hell is the Biden clone? Hegseth? Can someone wake up Hegseth?
Karoline Leavitt: I’ve already informed the American people that there are no Medicaid cuts.
Wiles: Fine. There’s also the matter of the idiots at the Congressional Budget Office saying that the bill will add $3.8 trillion to the deficit.
Karoline Leavitt: I’ve addressed this, ma’am: I said, and I quote myself here: “The largest deficit reduction in nearly 30 years with $1.6 trillion in mandatory savings.” 5
Donald: And Biden’s clone. Did you mention anything about that?
Karoline Leavitt: No, sir (looks at Susie Wiles). Should I have?
Wiles: Forget about the fucking clone. I think we need to work on our optics a bit. Yesterday, a bunch of lunatics in San Diego forced our loyal ICE officers into their vans and wouldn’t let them snatch more people off the street after they handcuffed an entire restaurant crew as ordered.6 Stephen, my dear, is there a way we can manage the optics on this a bit?
Stephen Miller (eyes rolling to the back of his head): Moarte tuturor. Moarte tuturor. Moarte tuturor. Moarte tuturor.
Wiles: Shit. We need plasma! Stat!
RFK Jr. (finger-punching keypad on phone): I’m on it.
At this juncture, two men in white hazmat suits burst into the room and administer an IV to Stephen Miller, who quickly comes back to life.
Wiles: Well, that was a close one. Stephen, have you not been feeding like you’re supposed to?
RFK Jr: That’s my fault ma’am. I've been warning him to stay away from vaxxed people.
Wiles: You idiot. That’s almost everybody.
RFK Jr: That’s why we’re flying him down to Kennett, Missouri tonight.7 Voted 80% for Donald. Bound to be some purebloods there.
Wiles: Is that where that woman who keeps going on about the Canary Islands lives?
Kash Patel: We do know everything about everyone in America now, thanks to Peter Thiel’s Palantir integration with the federal computer systems, ma’am. I can find out.
Wiles: You’ve been quiet, Kash. You playing with yourself over there or something?
Kash Patel: No ma’am. Would you like me to?
Wiles: Fucks sake.
Donald: Kash, the Biden clone. Where the hell is it now? Is it coming after me?
Karoline Leavitt: Sir, I believe your golf match is coming up.
Donald: It hasn’t been an hour, has it?
Karoline Leavitt: Yes, sir, it has. In fact, I think you’re late.
At this juncture, Donald leaves.
Wiles: Holy shit, he’s painful. HHS, how long before he’s in a completely vegetative state? I can’t take much more of this.
RFK Jr.: The official estimate during the last nine years has been nine hours, ma’am.
Wiles: What the fuck is sustaining this idiot?
RFK Jr.: Power, ma’am.
Thanks for reading!
Footnotes
Potter, Will. 2025. “Insane Moment Elon Musk ‘SHOVED’ Trump’s Treasury Secretary Scott Bessent during Screaming Match.” Mail Online. Daily Mail. May 30, 2025. https://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-14765129/Elon-Musk-Scott-Bessent-shove-White-House-DOGE-Trump.html.
I’ve read that it’s closer to $9 billion, Scott, but apparently you lost your math skills when you left Soros Fund Management, became infected with a brain worm (the only explanation for your current career choices), and decided to help Mister Bigly with tariffs.
Hopefully, this will help the reader understand why Trump thinks there are clones of Biden. Another FREE service from Ruminato. Feel free to become a paid subscriber now that you understand the true value of our services.
Cole, Brendan, and Shane Croucher. 2025. “Crimea Bridge Hit by Explosion.” Newsweek. June 3, 2025. https://www.newsweek.com/crimea-bridge-hit-explosion-2080254.
Heather Cox Richardson. 2025. “June 2, 2025.” Substack.com. 2025. https://substack.com/home/post/p-165073977
“San Diego Community Stands Up: South Park’s Fierce Response to ICE Raid Reverberates across the Nation.” 2025. Sandiegoville.com. 2025. https://www.sandiegoville.com/2025/06/san-diego-community-stands-up-south.html.
Lil X, the fuck? 😂
You make Wiles likable. I wish you had Oval Office access!