Exclusive but Possibly Satirical Transcript of Friday Oval Office Status Meeting
I might claim this as satire, but it probably is not
Ruminato, the greatest news service ever, has obtained an exclusive transcript of today’s Oval Office meeting. No edits were made. Trigger warning: F bombs, raw language from important people.
Meeting minutes by JD Vance
Friday, April 18, 2025
Meeting attendees: Chief of Staff Susie Wiles, Deputy Chief of Staff Stephen Miller, Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth, Elon and Little X, Attorney General Pam Bondi, Secretary of the Department of Homeland Security Kristi Noem and her pet dog (deceased), White House Senior Director for Counterterrorism Sebastian Gorka, President in Waiting, JD Vance, and His Highness and Great Leader and Future Emperor of ALL mankind, Donald J. Trump. And a mystery guest.
Susie Wiles: Thanks for coming, everyone. But who the fuck invited the Atlantic Monthly guy?
Pete Hegseth (raising a glass of scotch in the air): Possibly me.
Elon (Little X sitting on his shoulders): Let me just start off by saying…
Susie Wiles: Fuck off, Elon.
Elon: By saying that we had an opportunity to blow Gayle King and Katy Perry out of the sky when they were in that Blue Origin piece of shit, and we dropped the ball. (Raises his gas-powered chainsaw.)
At this point of the meeting, Pam Bondi hits Elon on the back of his head with a black iron skillet, sending Little X flying onto the conference tabletop and knocking over Hegseth’s three bottles of scotch.
Pete Hegseth: The fuck?
His Highness: Hurry this up. I have a meeting with Bob Manfred coming up soon. Wonderful man. Really knows baseball more than anyone I know. Terrific knowledge. You know, I met Jackie Robinson once, before baseball did that horrible DEI thing. Terrible what they did there. Or maybe it was Jackie’s dad. Somebody named Robinson. I’m very sure of this. Had to evict him when I found out he was Black. I said to them, I said — Robinson? You know that’s a very white name. Why have so many Blacks stolen our good family names from us? Susie, what are we doing to fix this?
Personal Note: Remind Donald about the outrage of the DEI TV Show, Mr. Robinson’s Neighborhood, a clear ripoff of the wonderful children’s classic, Mister Rogers’ Neighborhood.
Susie Wiles: Okay, everyone, let’s get started. To effectuate and facilitate a more streamlined meeting process, I’ve developed a PowerPoint with the help of Akash Bobba, one of Elon’s tech wizards.
Stephen Miller: Excuse me. A what?
Susie Wiles: Akash Bobba
Stephen Miller: Well, fuck me. Kristi, how long until you can get him out of the country?
Kristi Noem: I can send an ICE team now and have him in El Salvador in a few hours.
Stephen Miller: Make it so.
Gorka: He’s a terrorist.
Little X (crawling on the table to His Highness): You’re not the president, asswipe.
Elon: Wait wait wait wait wait. Akash is one of mine.
Sebastian Gorka: You’re a terrorist, too.
Stephen Miller: Who’s a terrorist, Sebastian? The little kid? Kristi, will they let Elon’s guy have a laptop in CECOT?
Pam Bondi: I can look into the legalities of sending a four-year-old to CECOT.
Susie Wiles: Not Little X, you idiot. Ali Bobba or whatever his name is.
Elon: Akash Bobba, and he stays.
His Highness: Anyway, I said to the Robinson family, you’re far away from home. I’ll even buy you a bus ticket to help get you back there. Back home. Because I’m a generous guy. Ask anybody. I said to him: You want to be at home, right? (Stands up to sing) Home is where I wanna beeeeeheee. Everywhere I go-hoh, I get slandered, LIBELED! I hear words I never heard in the Bible!
Susie Wiles (slamming gavel): Order!
His Highness collapses into his chair and falls asleep.
Susie Wiles: If y’all look at this first slide, I’ve set next week’s objectives with the neatly named and easy-to-remember title: Bloodletting: Week 14
Stephen Miller: I like that. I like that a lot.
Susie Wiles (winking): I knew you would, tiger.
JD Vance (that’s me): Isn’t that more a headline than a title? It looks bold like a headline to me. Conveying, perhaps…
Susie Wiles: Open your mouth out of turn again, and I’ll have you beheaded on Fox and Friends, you twit.
Personal note: She’s kind of mean.
Pete Hegseth (hiccuping): So what we got planned for next week? This week will be hard to top.
Susie Wiles: The fuck is wrong with you and that liquified brain of yours? I opened the slideshow just now. I’m getting to it.
His Highness (waking up, slaps Pete on the back, producing a small amount of spittle from Pete’s lips): They’re all hard to top. That’s the idea. The greatest presidency the world has ever seen. (falls back to sleep)
Susie Wiles: Akash Bobba fed some parameters into the AI system this morning. We thought some foreign policy stuff would be fun for this coming week. We’ve been neglecting foreign policy lately. So I’ll be announcing some AI-driven initiatives after the meeting.
Pam Bondi: Why this afternoon?
Susie Wiles: Gotta be after this meeting so you dipshits don’t fuck things up during this meeting somehow.
Pete Hegseth: We haven’t completely neglected foreign policy. We did send all those B-1 bombers to Diego Garcia last week to scare Iran with.
Susie Wiles: You left them outside of the their hangars, you dumb ass. Out in the open. Just take a drink and shut the fuck up. Holy Christ on a hot cross.
His Highness: I really hate Jackie Robinson.
Stephen Miller: I hate everybody.
Susie Wiles (winking): Oh, Stephen, you excite me so.
Sebastian Gorka: I estimate that approximately 78% of the American voting public are terrorists.
Kristi Noem: Can we get back to the bloodletting, please?
Susie Wiles: What’s your fucking hurry, Fargo?
Kristi Noem (lunging at Susie Wiles and wrapping her hands around her throat): Tired of you making it sound like I’m from North Dakota all the time, you bitch. I was governor of South Dakota, SOUTH!
At this juncture in the meeting, Stephen Miller plays the sound of a dog screaming in pain from his phone. Ms. Noem removes her hands from Susie Wiles’ neck and looks around the room.
Stephen Miller: Ha! Made you look!
Susie Wiles: Blondie, get her out of here.
Pam Bondi: It’s Bondi. Pam Bondi. I can’t make her leave without due process.
Everyone in the room laughs.
His highness: Ah, good. A little levity. Pam, can we do something about this Jackie Robinson guy? I can draw up an executive order. Elon. Have your AI folks draw me up an executive order. Pam, I’ll need you to execute it.
Susie Wiles: Where are we on the SAVE Act? It’s essential we cut one-third of the women out of the voting process if we’re gonna survive the midterms. JD? Any updates?
JD Vance (that’s me): It passed the House. We may need to kill a few Democratic senators to get it out of the Senate chamber.
Susie Wiles: You mean kill their filibusters?
JD Vance (that’s me): I mean, yeah, sure. That.
Susie Wiles: Great job, JD. Your book Hillbilly Elegy, is a deeply personal memoir, chronicling your upbringing in a working-class family with Appalachian roots in Middletown, Ohio. The book explores the social, cultural, and economic challenges faced by white, working-class Americans, particularly those from the Rust Belt and Appalachian regions.
JD recounts his tumultuous childhood, marked by instability, poverty, and his mother’s struggle with addiction. He was raised primarily by his tough and loving grandmother, Mamaw, who played a pivotal role in keeping him on a path toward eventual success, and…
…Elon! What the fuck is happening?!
Elon: Must be a glitch in your Neuralink chip. The new White House physician, Dr. Bornstein, can make some adjustments.
Susie Wiles: He’s dead, you fucking idiot.
Elon: He lives on somewhere. We live multiple lives in this quantum universe. We are all Schrödinger's cat, hacking, clawing away at the various ministries, removing the chaff from our bloated bureacracy, saying every step of the way, damn their lies, damn their phony five bullet points, they all must go!
Susie Wiles: You know where I’d like you to go, you idiot?
Pam Bondi: Wherever it is, I can help with that.
Susie Wiles: Shuttup, Blondie
His Highness: Is my Jackie Robinson Executive Order done yet?
Little X: You’re NOT THE FUCKING PRESIDENT!
At this point in the meeting, Little X punches the Exalted One in the nose. The Exalted One laughs.
His Highness: He’s adorable, Elon. Just adorable. Can you make one for me with one of your lady friends? Barron got too tall, and now I may have to have him executed.
Susie Wiles: Back to the PowerPoint. So, you can see that we have some milestones for the remainder of Project 2025. Now that we’re about fifty percent done implementing it, it’s time to reinvigorate, reinitiate, renew, and reengage.
Little X: And effectuate!!!!
At this juncture of the meeting, Little X drops his pants and poops on the table, where he still resides.
Sebastian Gorka: Little terrorist.
At this point in the meeting, Jared Kushner enters the room with Ivanka.
His Highness: Wow, that dress is scandalous, hon. Love it.
Jared Kushner: Sorry to barge in, boss, but thought you’d like to know I just sold out the last condo on Kushner Shores in Gaza. All that’s left now is bulldozing everyone off-site and dropping a little cement down, and boom! All done!
His Highness: Whatever you do, do not, under any circumstances, sell a condo to Jackie Robinson. I never liked that prick.
Little X: You’re not the president! (looks at Ivanka) You’re hot.
Susie Wiles: Get the fuck out of here, you two clowns. And fucking hell, Ivanka, you couldn’t wear a higher hemline if you lifted your skirt up to your chin with your teeth.
This part of the meeting is highlighted by Ivanka kissing Our God Emperor on the bald spot before pushing Jared out the door. Susie Wiles stands up, walks to the door, shoves Ivanka out the door, too, and slams the door with great authority.
Susie Wiles (sitting at her seat): I really hate those two.
Stephen Miller: As do I.
Susie Wiles offers Stephen Miller a loving smile and appears to be doing something to him under the table.
Sebastian Gorka: Kushner is a terrorist.
Susie Wiles: Is that Atlantic guy still here?
Jeffrey Goldberg: Right here, ma’am.
Susie Wiles: You can stay if you rename the magazine Trump Monthly.
Goldberg leaves the room.
Susie Wiles: Pussy. Okay, next item. Blondie, how are our court cases going?
Pam Bondi: It’s Pam. Pam Bondi.
Susie Wiles: Fuck if I care. Status report, then shut the fuck up.
Pam Bondi: So far, the opposition is winning 172-1.
JD Vance (that’s me): Is that good?
Susie Wiles: Anybody here have any problem disregarding any court orders? Or, all of them, for that matter? Everyone with an objection, raise their hand.
No hands are raised.
His Highness: I’ll sue Jackie Robinson for stealing a good white family name.
Pam Bondi: 173-1. Also, an update on the university blackmail program. We’ve blackmailed 150 more universities this week.
Susie Wiles: I hear Harvard is being a little bitch. Do something to fuck them over. Do you need Elon’s AI machine to help with that?
Pam Bondi: Since we have about three people left in the Justice Department, that would help.
Susie Wiles: Donnie, hon, have you heard from Vlad today? Any specific orders?
His Highness (looking puzzled): I’ve always said that the great American game was baseball, not football. But then Jackie Robinson ruined it. Susie, what are we doing to fix this?
Stephen Miller: We’ve determined that almost half of all MLB players are eligible for the new classification being drawn up by Elon’s AI program.
Susie Wiles (scooting her chair closer to Stephen Miller): Oooh, sounds delicious. Tell me more.
Sebastian Gorka: Long story short, they’re all terrorists.
Susie Wiles: I didn’t ask you, you Hungarian pork head. Stephen, dear, some detail, please?
Stephen Miller: How about we take this offline?
Susie Wiles: That’s the best idea I’ve heard all day. What a delightful way to spend Good Friday.
Stephen Miller: We can spend the weekend hunting for some additional prison space specifically for Dominican baseball players. Offshore, of course.
Susie Wiles (breathing heavily): Is it getting hot in here? (unbuttons top two buttons on blouse) I am going to need to adjourn this meeting immediately.
Kristi Noem: Do you want any help with that?
Susie Wiles: Stay away, you freak.
Kristi Noem issues forth an audible hiss.
His Highness: Where the hell is my Jackie Robinson lawsuit!?
Susie Wiles: I’m adjourning this clusterfuck of a meeting.
Notes
I’m convinced that Susie Wiles, the mad king’s chief of staff, is the brains of the first AI presidency. It certainly isn’t the mad king, who can barely formulate a single paragraph at the first-grade level these days. When Susie Wiles was originally named chief of staff, the fawning press, out of mad desperation, claimed she’d be the adult in the room.
This may be true. But she is also the mad king’s former campaign manager and separately almost single-handedly transformed Florida into a red state, resulting in this:
When the American Nuremberg happens, she should be near the top of the list.
Thanks for reading!
Thanks for the ruthless, biting satire, couldn't be aimed at more deserving targets. Only amusement I got out of this week's free fall.
When are Trump and his idiots involved, it’s very hard to tell whether something written about him is ruthlessly satirical or just an accurate account of something idiotic or or evil (or both) that he’s said or done.