Exclusive Look into Today's White House Epstein Files Strategy Meeting

A possibly satirical look into how the White House is dealing with the newest Epstein fallout.

Nov 12, 2025

Ruminato, the greatest news service ever, has obtained an exclusive transcript of today’s Oval Office meeting to discuss how to deflect today’s news that Trump knew everything Epstein ever did, like, ever. No edits were made.

Trigger warning: F bombs, raw language, violence, talk about child trafficking, dead animals, inappropriate language, slurs, and SATIRE. In other words, just another day in today’s Washington, D.C.

Meeting minutes by JD Vance

November 11, 2025

Meeting attendees: Chief of Staff Susie Wiles, Deputy Chief of Staff Stephen Miller, War(!) Secretary Pete Hegseth, Speaker of the House Mike Johnson, Secretary of the Department of Homeland Security Kristi Noem and her pet dog (deceased), Oberführer Gregory Bovino, JD Vance (that’s me!), and His Highness and Great Leader and (recovering!) stroke victim Donald J. Trump.

Evil clowns sitting around a table. A portrait of Trump is in the background, with his mouth drooping post-stroke — Image of clowns licensed from Adobe Stock; image of Trump found everywhere, attribution unknown, public domain claim; image of demolished East Wing public domain

Susie Wiles: Hey, fuckfaces, thanks for coming.

Mike Johnson (looking at Stephen Miller): Asshole here threatened to unredact my name from the Epstein Files if I didn’t show up.

Susie Wiles (looking at Stephen Miller, eyeing him coyly): Sit a little closer to me, you tasty Transylvanian trollop, you.

At this juncture, Stephen Miller looks away from the meeting for about half a minute.

Susie Wiles: Now!!!!!!

Stephen Miller (scooting chair closer to Ms. Wiles): Yes, my queen.

Susie Wiles: I called this meeting of you morons so that we could discuss Democratic House members illegally releasing details of our great leader spending what the lying Democrats are saying were hours with underage girls, who should have known better anyway, at Epstein’s house. Johnson, how did you let this happen?

Mike Johnson: I’m sorry, I don’t know what you’re referring to.

Susie Wiles: Fuck’s sake.

At this juncture, Ms. Wiles hands him a phone with a New York Times news story.

Susie Wiles: Care to read this out loud to the class, dipshit?

Mike Johnson (reading from phone): Epstein Alleged in Emails That Trump Knew of His Conduct.1 In a message obtained by Congress, the convicted sex offender Jeffrey Epstein wrote that Donald J. Trump spent hours at his house with one of Mr. Epstein’s victims.

House Democrats on Wednesday released emails in which Jeffrey Epstein wrote that President Trump had “spent hours at my house” with one of Mr. Epstein’s victims, among other messages that suggested that the convicted sex offender believed Mr. Trump knew more about his abuse than he has acknowledged.

“These latest emails and correspondence raise glaring questions about what else the White House is hiding and the nature of the relationship between Epstein and the president,” Representative Robert Garcia of California, the top Democrat on the Oversight Committee, said in a statement.

The three separate email exchanges released on Wednesday were all from after Mr. Epstein’s 2008 plea deal in Florida on state charges of soliciting prostitution, in which federal prosecutors agreed not to pursue charges.

Susie Wiles: Enough! We get it. How did you let this happen, you wormy little cock puppet?

Mike Johnson: I’m not aware of this at all. I don’t think the Democrats released anything—probably fake news. I wouldn’t trust anything the New York Times says. I’ll issue a denial.

Susie Wiles: A denial? Have you seen all the videos of Mister MRI in the Epstein files? This is an unmitigated disaster. We were hoping we could keep this from public view at least until he dies, which should be any day now.

At this juncture, everyone looks at our dear leader, who is sound asleep and slouched in the other chair next to Ms. Wiles. Ms. Wiles kicks his leg, with no reaction from the President.

Mike Johnson: What are Epstein files?

At this juncture, Ms. Wiles spins around on her chair and punches Mike Johnson in the face. Pete Hegesth trips and falls face-first on the floor attempting to retrieve Mike Johnson’s broken glasses.

Treasury Secretary Scott Bessent enters the room, jumps on top of Secretary Hegseth, and pummels him in the temple.

Susie Wiles: Order! What we need is more distraction. We tried demolishing one quarter of the White House. That didn’t work. We’ve tried mass murder in the Caribbean. That hasn’t worked. We’ve tried creating an infinite loop out of tariffs. Nope, didn’t work. We tried shutting down the government. We’ve gone the extra mile to starve stupid poor people. Shit, we even let the Democrats sweep an election. Nothing is working! Nada.

At this juncture, an alarm goes off, and 15 men dressed in special forces uniforms, night vision helmets, and right-wing balaclavas storm into the office and point HK416 weapons at Ms. Wiles.

Susie Wiles: The fuck?

Kristi Noem: You said a Spanish word, which set off security alarms. Good job, gentlemen, but you're free to leave now.

One of the armed men: Do you want us to take that dead dog with us?

Kristi Noem (looking at doggy corpse in front of her on conference table): This is the proud symbol of a renewed America. It stays. It’s a reminder that we are earnest and strong warriors for the cause.

Another of the armed men: No, no, he means the sleeping dude.

Susie Wiles (looking at the armed men): You heard her. Get the fuck out of here.

People, listen up. Everyone is still talking about our dear leader’s behavior like there’s something wrong with a little bit of happy hormones or something. I need answers, people.

Starting with you, Johnson. I need you to find a way to keep Adelita Grijalva from taking that goddamn seat in the House.

Mike Johnson: I’m sorry, I don’t know who Adelita Grijalva is.

Susie Wiles: Hegseth, get off the floor and clean yourself up. Bessent, why do you think we had a boxing ring installed in your office? Get out of here.

Scott Bessent: I ran out of Cabinet officials who were willing to fight me there.

Susie Wiles (seductively rubbing Stephen Miller’s index finger): Hold on a minute. (taps phone). Yeah, Lindsey? Bessent needs you for an urgent meeting in his office. Bring a pair of padded mittens. No, now, you twerp. Get over there. Happy now, Scott?

Scott Bessent: Oh my God, I’ve always wanted to smack Lindsey Graham around. Thank you!

Susie Wiles: Ideas, people, now!

Hegseth (wiping blood from eyebrow): Let’s nuke Greece.

Susie Wiles: You’re an idiot, but okay, fuck it. Why Greece?

Oberführer Bovino: Have you ever seen a Greek?

Susie Wiles: Obviously, I have, Cosplayer in Chief. What about them?

Oberführer Bovino: In Chicago, we accidentally profiled a lot of them. My men thought they were Latino.

Stephen Miller: They are darker than I’d like.

Susie Wiles (cooing): Oh, my pet, it excites me so when you proudly proclaim your whiteness. Hegseth, can we nuke Greece without damaging the surrounding area?

Hegseth: Probably not. But we can give it our best shot.

Susie Wiles: Okay, fine. What did they do to deserve a nuke? We need to give the one-quarter of Americans who aren’t yet reading or watching our propaganda networks a reason for this.

JD Vance (that’s me!): Probably less than one-quarter now that we own CBS.

Susie Wiles: If you ever speak out of turn again, I’ll have you shipped off to a Libyan work camp. Okay, Hegesth, reasons for nuking Greece?

Stephen Miller: Besides their propensity for darker skin?

Susie Wiles: Yes, besides that, my vampiric cherub.

Kristi Noem: If we’re nuking countries for having dark skinned people, why not just nuke Africa?

Susie Wiles: Americans won’t notice if we nuke Africa, dumb ass.

Kristi Noem: Good point.

Susie Wiles: Fuck off. I don’t need your approval. Get out of here and work on your extensions. Your hair looks like someone purloined a kid’s Barbie doll from an overfilled diaper pail.

Kristi without her extensions: Instagram; Glam isn’t happy

Stephen Miller: Can’t we just say because it’s a punishment for its debt loads to the IMF?

Scott Bessent: They’ve paid most of those off.

Stephen Miller: They did? When?

Scott Bessent (balling his hand into a fist): Goddammit.

Susie Wiles: Don’t even think about it, Bessent, or I’ll have you worked over like you’re the East Wing.

At this juncture, Scott Bessent storms out of the room, slamming the door behind him. One can hear the muffled sound of screaming and the thud of bodies through the closed door.

JD Vance (that’s me!): Shouldn’t we wake up the boss and check with him on this?

Susie Wiles: Are you fucking deaf? I said, speak when you’re spoken to. And then, keep it as short as possible. Can somebody call Musk and have Little X write a quick Truth Social for the president to post?

Stephen Miller (tapping his phone): I’m on it.

Susie Wiles (rubbing the top of Miller’s bald head): Of course you are, my savvy, sadistic sex pistol.

A few moments later, everyone’s phone alert goes off. We all look at our phones to see Little X’s Truth Social Post, which reads:

For thousands of years, GREECE HAS HAD ITS WAY WITH THE WORLD, PRETENDING. To be the greatest democracy in history. IT IS NOT! THAT IS FAKE HISTORY! As of this morning, I am ordering a nuclear strike on Athens to destroy the VERY FAKE architecture of that Phony, phony part of the history that NOBODY should have ever followed. Our proud army, navy, marines, and air force will deliver THE ULTIMATE MESSAGE: we are the writers of history! No more classical history! Make America Great Again!! Thank you for your attention to this matter.

Susie Wiles: I gotta hand it to the kid, his closing line, “Thank you for your attention to this matter,” was gold when he first came up with it, and it’s still gold today.

Thanks for reading!

Notes

If it seems cruel that I’m mocking stroke patients, let it be known that I’m currently recovering from a stroke. I reserve the right to make fun of it all I want as a coping mechanism. But especially when it involves the fact that I recognize a stroke protocol (MRIs and animal identification tests) when I see one. Covering up the president’s obvious stroke should be and probably is a crime, in a long list of other crimes by his minions.