Exclusive: Transcript of Phone Conversation Between Trump and Putin [Satire]
A portion of Trump's Two Hour Conversation with Putin
Once again, Ruminato, the world’s greatest news service, has an exclusive. This time, a transcript of today’s phone call between Vlad Putin and Trump. The call was two hours long, most of it involving sex tape discussions, so we’ve only included the parts that might impact foreign policy, since most of the sex tape talk was inaudible, as our crack team was unable to parse Trump’s babble.
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The Phone Call
Trump: Halal, Vlad!
Putin: Umm, hello back to you Donald.
Trump: No, no. I mean, Halal! It’s a new word I learned when I negotiated the world’s greatest peace agreement in history with Hamas. Better than the one they did in World War Two or those terrible Paris Peace Accords.
It’s from the amazing Hamas language. They taught it to me when I led all of the Middle East to the fantastic peace treaty to save those beautiful Gaza beaches for my son-in-law to develop.1
It’s a fantastic language, Vlad. Halal! Lovely word. Fantastic way to say hello. Amazing to think about how it led to the greatest peace agreement in history. Much better than the World War Two peace deal, which left so much money on the table. And so much better than the peace treaty between the North and South in our civil war. What a terrible treaty that was.
Putin: The what? Anyway, well, I believe Halal is a reference to food, Donald.
Trump: Unpossible. I heard it from the mouth of the Hamas negotiator himself. He kept saying, “Halal!” when I tried to serve him Big Macs at the negotiating table. “Halal!” he kept saying. Loudly, too. Very friendly guy. A little rough around the edges, but great guy. So I said, “Well, hello to you, too! Here, have a burger.” And he kept saying, “Halal!”
Who would have thought that such a great but simple word, it’s so basic, isn’t it? Who would have thought that a word like that could lead to a Nobel Peace Prize?
But then they didn’t give it to me, so I had to blow up another speedboat. The presidency of America. It’s a difficult job, Vlad, the most difficult in the world. Nothing comes close. But luckily, nobody does it better than me. And we’re about to sign a great peace treaty with Venezuela because they know Pete. They know his wrath.
No peace prize? Boom! More dead boat people. Non-negotiable, Vlad. This is how peace treaties are signed, sealed, and delivered. The Nobel committee has many fine Nordics. I’m sure they’ll figure out how to properly award their peace award.
The boat people have always been bad, Vlad. You know that, right? We should have never launched those helicopters from the tops of those buildings in Saigon, Vlad, letting in all those awful Viet Cong into our country.
Putin: Umm…
Trump: There was a time that nobody cared. “Let them all in,” people said. “Cuba? Let them in! We don’t care!” But I’ve put a stop to that nonsense. Try boating in the Caribbean now, Vlad. Can’t be done. “Let in all the communists and Viet Cong!” they said. And now we have all these Vietnamese people in our country. So many of them, Vlad.
Kristi’s on it, though. She’s helping make America great again. People are scared of Kristi, Vlad. She kills puppies. True story. Are you scared of Kristi? Did you know we have many, many Tomahawk missiles we can sell to Vladimir Zelenskyy? Millions, I’m told. My generals say, sell them all to Vlad Zeliniskyy, and I just might. I don’t leave money on the table.
Putin: Volodymyr. Volodymyr Zelenskyy, Donald. If you sell missiles that can go deep into Russian territory, we will consider that an act of aggression.
Trump: He’s a good man, Vlad. You should really try to get to know him before you kill him. Did you know he was once a great comedic actor? Like Borat. He was a lot like Borat. You know who Borat is, right? Very talented. Funny, funny man. I’ve met them both, and I honestly don’t know who’s funnier. And then they both became president of their countries. Amazing. What a fantastic career path.
Putin: Borat being the wise guy who got your lawyer, that Ghouliani guy, to admit he wanted to have sexual relations with a…
Trump: She was a little young, yes, but very, very smart. One of the smartest gals out there. Maybe smarter than Karoline Leavitt, but I’m not sure about that. I guess we could give them one of those cog-ignition tests Susie Wiles is always giving me. You know, to see which of them is the sharp one. If you put two women in a room, one of them will always be a little smarter than the other.
Putin: She portrayed herself as very young to trick your lawyer, as I recall.
Trump: I don’t know anything about that, Vlad. Nobody tells me anything these days. Susie Wiles, she’s my chief of staff. She’ll be looking through a binder of top secret stuff and I say to Susie, I say, Susie, what is that stuff? And she says, “Never you mind, Donald, it’s all being handled.”
That’s what’s great about her, Vlad. She handles everything. Nobody knows anything about her, but she does ninety-five percent of the work. Fantastic chief of staff. They’ll write books about her someday. Big books. “We took out more Venezuelan cartel people today,” she’ll say to me. And I just say back to her, “That’s really fantastic.” I don’t know how she does it. All under the radar, too, my people tell me. They call her the boss of everything. It’s a beautiful thing.
Putin: Maybe you should put her on the phone.
Trump: We’re getting along so fantastically, aren’t we, Vlad? If the world was run right, you and me would run everything. You can have Europe. We don’t need it. And we’ll take the rest. Except maybe Chyyna. That’s a tough nut to crack, isn’t it? They may not like it if we try to take their land away, but luckily, I don’t know anything about their land. I’ve still got Greenland to worry about. How do we get Greenland without too much bloodshed? I’ve been asking the generals this. They keep resigning, so then I have to ask another one.
I was told today that Admiral Halsey is resigning. And I asked them. I said, the famous World War Two admiral? Well, it’s about time. How old is he? He must be way too old for that job.
Putin: That’s Admiral Alvin Holsey, the head of your military’s Southern Command, Donald. My spy services tell me he’s very unhappy with blowing up speedboats. Frankly, I like the idea.
Trump: They’re all very afraid of progress, Vlad.
So Chyyna and President Xi don’t need to worry too much about me. I’ve met Xi. We’re very good friends. He might let us have a part of Chyyna. That’s how good a friend he is to me.
But we don’t want it, because they have Chinese people. What would we do with all those people, Vlad? Whenever you go to Chyyna, there they are. All over the place. I’ve never seen so many Asians in one place.
(Whispers) Just between you and me, Vlad, it’s kind of a scary place.
Putin: Now, let me say a few things about Ukraine…
Trump: If you want to make real money, Vlad, Qatar is where to go. There are a bunch of places like that all over the place near there. I’ve seen them on the map. The big, beautiful Arabian peninsula is full of these little places with tall shiny buildings. I can see ten, maybe twenty Trump Towers there someday. And it’s a crypto gold mine. Those people love crypto and soccer. And golf! They love golf. I don’t know how they play it in that hot sun and in all that sand, but they do it. Someday, they’ll have all the best golf players. Just watch. I guarantee it.
Putin: We’d like Crimea. Can you make sure we get Crimea?
Trump: I don’t know what a Crimea is, Vlad, but we can talk to Mario and we’ll see what he can do. Did you know he’s a Florida man, Vlad? They get bad publicity from the fake news media and communists, but if you can say you’re a trueblood Florida man, that’s a big feather in your cap. Not many people can say it. Mario can. He’s a Florida man top to bottom. He gets things done. We’ll talk to him about the Crimea thing. Maybe he says yes. I dunno. We’ll see, but I think probably.
Putin: It’s really pretty much that, or we don’t bother meeting. That, and we want a guarantee that Ukraine won’t join NATO.
Trump: That part is easy. I’m trying to get US out of NATO. Nobody wants to be in that old institution, Vlad. Why is it even there? To stop the Warsaw Pact from attacking us?
Putin: You know what the Warsaw Pact was?
Trump: It’s the one thing I know the most. Better than anyone. I spent many, many years making deals in Russia, and everyone told me, Donald, you must help us get rid of the Warsaw Pact. But I was just a businessman back then. A very good businessman. I think we all know how that worked out. The best businessman the world has ever seen.
But I said to them, “No, I can’t get rid of the Warsaw Pact.” And then they said, “Maybe we give you money to be president someday.” That’s how I met many, many people from Russia, as you know. Many great, amazing people.
Putin: And Epstein.
Trump: No, no, that was another time. Wasn’t it? I think it was. I’ll need to ask Susie Wiles about that. I think she has all the important information about that. She wants me to ask. You still got the tapes? You need to destroy all the tapes.
Putin: Which tapes? The pee tapes or the Epstein tapes?
Trump: Everything. Destroy everything.
Putin: To put it candidly, Donald, this would also erase any leverage I have over you in our discussions about Ukraine. I’m okay with the chest thumping, but be, very, very, careful not to push me.
Trump: (one hour and fifty minutes of incoherent babbling)
Thanks for reading!
Crass humor, but this is EXACTLY how these people think. They have no interest in the 69,000 deaths in Gaza at the hands of the vengeful Netanyahu. Sadly, either do most Americans.
I believe when Putin went to Alaska, he gave Trump his orders, and threats, and Trump is now going fast on dismantling America as he’s under threat.
That’s so tragically funny