Friday's Insanity Roundup for the week
Pam Bondi goes to Disney World, Laura Loomer nails an Army General, a big Kit Kat heist, and more
It’s impossible to capture everything, but here are some of the things that got my attention this week in the midst of the horror show that is the United States these days.
Pam Bondi sent to Florida
You just knew the women would be first to go, right? Following in the legendary footsteps of DHS head Kristi Noem and her fetishy husband is Pam Bondi, who did such a poor job redacting documents that school children the world over now know that a little girl tried to bite off the Predator in Chief’s elusive manhood.
“What did you learn in school today, hun?”
“That we’ll need years of psychotherapy after reading our history lessons. Duh! Can I have some ice cream?”
This proved to be too much for the orange malevolence, so he fired Bondi for letting the truth out by mistake.
When he told everyone on Wednesday that Bondi was doing a great job, you can be pretty sure she started packing her bags for Florida that night. Sure enough, she was gone on Thursday. Poof!
Who knows what kind of fresh hell she’ll conjure in Florida, but hopefully she’ll take a few weeks off before infesting the local political scene there. Personally, I’d like to see how that dyed hair looks after a swim in Florida’s red algae swamps along the coast.
Meanwhile, the Epstein survivors continue to wonder when they will ever see justice. How many are there? Thousands? Where are their voices?
I won’t rehash all the awful things she’s done, so I’ll just finish this Bondi update (BondiDate?) with a bulleted list of her accomplishments:
So, who is Lee Zeldin, her likely replacement?
He’s now running what is left of the EPA after dismantling most of it. As a congress critter, he voted against certifying Biden’s election victory. He suffers from Trump Derangement Syndrome more than most, which is scary given all we now know about the world’s most famous sexual predator and how crazy his remaining protectors are.
Needless to say, the DOJ is still in the hands of the enemy. Until Zeldin’s inevitable confirmation by the government branch we used to call Congress but now is just another part of the Epstein sex trafficking ring, the DOJ is being run by the grifter in chief’s personal attorney, Todd Blanche.
If you don’t know who Blanche is, he’s featured prominently in this article I wrote for the Medium platform this week (free link, no paywall or sign-up required):
Ruminato GIFT LINK 🎁 The People vs. Donald J. Trump 🎁
As Tiny Tim might say, “God bless help us all.”
Or did he say, “Tip-toe through the tulips?” I’m going crazy here and can’t keep anything straight anymore. How are you doing?
Laura Loomer nails an Army general
No, she didn’t nail him that way. Y’all are so naughty. No, instead, she and KegsBreath plotted to remove one of the nation’s most highly respected generals, a guy named Randy George, the Army’s Chief of Staff. So they did.
If you’re wondering if I’m just crazy when I say that Laura Loomer really has influence over who runs the Armed Forces, I respectfully submit you haven’t been following the events of the Iran War very closely. This is not a bad thing. You’ve got things to do.
But word in D.C. is that she’s as close to an unpaid advisor to the White House and KegsBreath as you can be (although you can be sure she’s taking plenty of money under the various Trump family grifter tables).
The New York Times is reporting that Keggsy dumped the respected general after a kerfuffle over KegsBreath’s removal of four qualified personnel from a promotions list that would have turned them into generals.
Two were Black, and two were women.1 So, empowered by some new liquids that make his nazi tattoos glow in the dark, KegsBreath did something that no other Defense secretary has done before, and overruled Army protocol (and generals) by striking their names from the promotions list.
General George asked for a little chit chat over the matter because they were, in his expert opinion, highly qualified and deserving of their promotions. KegsBreath belched out, “No way, Jose” in his best DTF St. Louis imitation, then made a beeline for the bar.
Laura Loomer said, “Fire his ass,” and boom, out General George went.
General George was also pushing for a more thorough build-out of drones and other mobile weaponry, but the heavy-drinking Hegseth likes big guns that blow things up, like a lot of children do. The new $1.5 trillion defense budget the regime is asking for reflects this.
Much of the mad respect George has in the Army is said to be related to a high level of competence and a successful recruiting effort that helped rebuild the Army’s ranks.
No doubt his replacement will be a Christo-nationalist, bomb loving lunatic, as former Fox News host Hegseth continues to transform the Army into a Bible-thumping loony farm.
Trump’s embarrassment in Iran is also our embarrassment
78 million people voted for this clown. 78 million.
We own it, whether we like it or not.
Here are a few of this week’s Iran lowlights from the stooge in chief.
Iranian’s state media is claiming that they’ve captured U.S. fighter pilots
The Tasnim News Agency, which is the official government press agency, is making the claim. No jokes here. We can only hope at this point that it’s not true.
[UPDATE] The New York Times is reporting that one pilot has been rescued. You can track the situation here (no paywall):
🎁 Ruminato GIFT Link Iran War Live Updates 🎁
The Butcher of Saudi Arabia becomes an ass kisser
Dean Blundell has an interesting report about the mad clown’s bizarre love affair with the Butcher of Saudi Arabia, sheikh in chief Mohammed bin Salman (known affectionately by the oil-loving mainstream media as MBS):2
On March 27, 2026, Donald Trump stood at a podium in Miami — at a conference bankrolled by Saudi Arabia’s sovereign wealth fund, in front of 1,500 of the kingdom’s investors and partners — and announced to the room that Mohammed bin Salman was “kissing my ass.”
In a room full of MBS’s allies and friends, the maniac called him an ass kisser.
In case you’ve forgotten, MBS is the Saudi prince (and now supreme leader) who, in 2018, got away with butchering a Washington Post journalist, Jamal Khashoggi, in the Saudi Arabian consulate in Istanbul, Turkiye, and chopping him up into little bitty pieces with a bone saw.3 Then he saw to it that his body bits were deposited into trash bags covered with big letters saying, “Not for human consumption” in case RFK Jr., Kristi Noem, or one of their ilk happened to be lurking nearby.
Anyhoo, like it or not, the U.S. has had a nifty security deal with the Saudis since the FDR days. They sell us oil at whatever price they can gouge us with, and we protect them for the right to do so.
But TrumpleSleazeSkin must be a climate change activist in disguise, because he shot that 80-year agreement to pieces with three words. MBS quickly pivoted to Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelenskyy, who excitedly agreed to help protect Saudi skies from Iranian drones.
Zelenskyy, of course, needs all the friends he can get, so I don’t blame him. He finagled a multi-million dollar protection deal out of MBS, in MBS’s first move to end the “special relationship” with the United States.
Want to insure a Strait of Hormuz oil tanker?
My readers are the smartest readers on Substack (according to my sources), so of course you don’t.
Fancy insurance company Lloyds of London isn’t eager to, either, even though they love to make high-priced insurance gambles. These guys would probably insure Tiger Woods’ Ferrari collection. They’d insure Kristi Noem’s next dog or JD Vance’s twelve-million-dollar silk-upholstered couch. You get the idea.
Welp, they’ve jacked up the price for insuring an oil tanker that wants to squeeze through the 25-mile-wide strait that 20% of the world’s oil ships through when blusterfuck presidents are bombing the snot out of randomly targeted dots on the Middle East map.
Before the war, an insurance contract cost 0.25% of an oil tanker’s value. Now, it’s up to six percent of a ship’s value. To put this in real dollars, a tanker that was costing $250,000 to insure now costs $10 million.4
Guess who pays? Hey, what’s in your wallet?
Additional indicators point to higher fuel prices soon, including a simple one: The number of oil tankers transiting the Strait of Hormuz, a number that is critically low.
Nakul Sarda, Founder & Partner of ProfitGate Capital Services LLP, has built a Hormuz tracker for his clients so they can see how bad things are in real time:
https://hormuzdash-hlu8cshd.manus.space/
It’s all bad.
Before the war, for example, more than 100 ships were chugging through the strait every day. Now it’s between six and twelve.
All because the madman had an itch to scratch. Or, more likely, insider trades to make.
The price of gas is going to seriously outmatch the egg price debacle that took down Biden, who was accused of having more dementia through a childhood stammer than the man who told us to inject Lysol into our arms to fight Covid and said Haitians were eating our pets.
Here’s the thing. The egg price spikes were caused by a natural, probably unavoidable chicken plague that required a mass culling.
The oil and gas spikes are manufactured crises that 30% of the U.S. is still cheering on with a positive approval rating for the man who creates a new crisis every morning.
Lots of drama queens in America, eh?
Mike Johnson puts up the “Congress is NOT in" sign again.
Speaking of drama queens, the New York Times reported that it took Mike Johnson two minutes to decide to do nothing:5 I know. Nothing new here:
The Senate on Thursday sent a bipartisan funding deal to reopen the Department of Homeland Security back to the House, which convened for a two-minute session and took no action to pass it.
Johnson had previously agreed to send a new bill that funded the Department of Homeland Security (DHS) for everything, including TSA, except for ICE and other immigration enforcement goons.
But the usual crowd of anti-immigrant Christo-fascists that Johnson is beholden to, when he’s not cleaning the bottom of the mad clown’s Florsheims with his tongue, threw a hissy fit, so he chickened out and sent everyone home for two weeks.
Mike says: “Enjoy your Easter travels, suckers!”
You can be sure that Republicans will spend their Holy Week doing Republican family values stuff, such as dressing up like inflatable dolls and skanking around on weird fetish websites like Kristi Noem’s hubby.6
Not that I’m judging! Every man should be able to dress up like an inflatable doll if they want to. Doing it while wagging the Jesus finger at everyone else, though, exposes you (no pun intended) to mockery.
Captain StinkyPants asks for $1.5 trillion in defense spending
The New York Times is reporting that this is a forty percent increase. That doesn’t seem right, but it’s still a cray-cray amount.
Fun fact: You can buy 33 million Teslas for $1.5 trillion. That’s close to enough for everyone who wants one.
The Trump regime will instead use it to buy more destructive toys and replenish its bomb and missile supply in the wake of its absurd war of choice against Iran.7
Most of that $1.5 trillion will be put on the government credit card, which, combined with the Big Barf Bill of 2024 that ripped away government spending from Americans needing medical care and other life-affirming help, will add trillions to the deficit.
He’s also asking for still MORE money for border and immigration enforcement.
To offset some of that, the regime has helpfully suggested that more domestic spending be axed. The regime has targeted even more climate, housing, and education programs for additional ruin.
I’ve asked before. I’ll ask it again: Is President Krasnov trying to destroy the United States?
The little tech bro tractor that couldn’t
It’s bad enough that War Daddy TrumpIckStein is blocking fertilizer sales to farmers through his aerial bombardment of Iranian schools and young female volleyball teams.8
Now, a tech bro tractor company has stalled out because it burned through $240 million in startup funds in less than three years.9
Whew wee. I’m in the wrong business. Turns out, so are American farmers.
The tech bro tractor company, called Monarch, is calling it quits after generating a lot of tech bro buzz for a self-driving tractor with supposedly mad AI skills.
SFGATE has the story:
Monarch Tractor raised over $240 million for its self-driving, electric tractors guided by artificial intelligence that debuted in 2023. That year, Time called the vehicle one of the year’s greatest inventions, and Forbes predicted that the company would become the world’s next billion-dollar startup. The company was later valued at $518 million. Now, the company has abandoned its Livermore headquarters after laying off its entire staff last year and warning it may “shut down.”
The idea was to hit a button on your phone and send the driverless tractor off to do its thing. Instead, as one customer described it, “It totally failed.”
The duped customer tried to use it for three years, so it’s not like he played around with it a few times and threw up his hands the first time he ran into a glitch. Nope, our intrepid wine farmer said that the machine couldn’t do anything at all and that it tore up his grapevines when he tried to run it, even when he drove the thing.
“I wouldn’t let anyone else around it.”
You can be sure that the tech bros behind the project found a way to pocket a sizable sum before they fired everyone and shuttered the company. Like I said. I’m in the wrong business.
Iranian crypto bros are cryptoless
One of the biggest challenges the Islamic government in Iran has faced throughout its 47 years of existence has been how to cope with U.S. sanctions that have pretty much cut the nation off from the international banking system.
So when cryptocurrency began to find its way into the virtual wallets of millions of people, Iran began using it in earnest, too. It’s a tough way to run things when your government relies on the whims of a lot of dark money with no backing other than the word of questionable underworld figures, but that’s life when your government is also run like one big terrorist cell.
But the crypto bros who have emerged in Iran to try to hustle for crypto cash found themselves in a bit of a crypto pickle when the Iranian government shut down the internet to punish its citizens for protesting insane inflation. Iranians had to deal with a currency, the Iranian Rial, which had fallen to 1.3 million Iranian rial for every dollar.10
Many Iranians consider that kind of exchange rate rather worthless. Of course, it might help if the face on their currency didn’t look like he wanted to smack you in the head with a massive bamboo cane.
Imagine going to the grocery store and the clerk asking, “Can you use Telegram to pay me in crypto?” It would be like going on an online catfish date. But now the people who live there can’t even do that.
Because of the war, the mullahs have kept the internet switch in the off position, making it almost impossible to do any kind of business.
I wouldn’t put it past the Trumpanzees to trash the U.S. economy to that extent. All they really need is time.
Cool family watches Artemis II
This is probably the only time you’ll see me post something from Apartheid Twitter, but it’s must-see TV from the coolest family in Florida. I snagged the video for you so you don’t have to give Apartheid Elon clicks. Watch this video past the part where they dash away from the TV set when they realize the rocket will be visible from their yard:11
Don’t you just love it when people look happy? And how about the added musical score? These people deserve an Oscar for best short film.
I might be unsure about the necessity of another moonshot, but happy is happy, so I’ll take it during these dark times.
If we find out the video was made by AI (the airplane is a hint), well, I still kind of like it.
Who wants to wash some feet?
One of the consistent truths about most migrants from south of the border is that they’re usually religious. This is because of the massive Roman Catholic influence in Mexico and Central and South America.
Many people have asked, “Why on earth did so many Latinos vote for Donald 666?” The main reason is that the twisted minds of many religious leaders led them there.
But not the faith leaders in Chicago who washed the feet of 14 prisoners of war in the Chicago area’s Broadview ICE facility on Thursday.
The Chicago Tribune reports:12
Amid an ongoing court battle over clergy access to the west suburban ICE facility, Catholic ministers entered the building and, in the traditional Holy Thursday ritual, washed the feet of 14 detainees. The access comes after a federal judge earlier this week allowed clergy members from the Chicago area to minister to migrants in the facility during Holy Week and Easter.
“This was a moment of light in a time of so much darkness,” the Rev. David Inczauskis, a priest with the Society of Jesus at Loyola University Chicago and one of the four ministers who provided pastoral care to detainees on Thursday, said to reporters after entering the facility.
For those not in the know, this tradition stems from an episode when Jesus washed the feet of his startled disciples, including Trump Judas Iscariot, the dude who reported Jesus to the authorities for some coin. Mary of Bethany also washed Jesus’s feet with her tears, according to Biblical legend.
My friend Karen Marie Shelton did a nice story on the (painfully) slow transition of the Catholic church towards immigration after years of its political focus being almost exclusively on abortion. Read it here.
In Chicago and many other sanctuary cities, this activism has been very strong. These folks are proving it with the kind of love that is unknown to the people who are ruining the country in Jesus’s name.
Jasmine Crockett discovers her long-lost ancestor: Davy Crockett
Sometimes, we learn things about our family lineage from the strangest places. Yesterday, Jasmine Crockett, one of our liveliest Congress Critters and generally a thorn in the side of Herr TrumpEpshTeen, discovered she’s related to Davy Crockett through a True Sociopath post from America’s most hated criminal. Yes, he really did write this:13
“Davy Crockett, obviously a distant relative of Jasmine Crockett, and a very High IQ Frontiersman, would be proud of the legacy that he began long ago, and especially Jasmine’s Great Success as a Politician from the Great State of Texas! President DONALD J. TRUMP”
For those of you building a 25th Amendment case, file that one away.
Jasmine was amused, but went easy on the poor guy. When they are in their final stages of dementia, sometimes kindness is the way to go. This helps them transition to the other side, which, in his case, is probably an eternal walk amongst the lava flows of Hades.
Report your stolen Kit Kat Bar
Was your Kit Kat bar stolen in the recent European Kit Kat heist of the century?
If so, Nestlé, which produces the product in Europe, has created a website where you can track your candy bar to see if it was part of the heist:
https://nestletest.qualifioapp.com/quiz/1776232_2455/CDCG-KITKAT-STOLEN-FORM.html
As you can imagine, I have a theory. My guess, based on reports from Ruminato’s crack team of journalists on the Italian crime beat, is that the thieves who broke into the Magnani-Rocca museum outside Parma, Italy and stole Renoir, Cézanne and Matisse paintings in what has to be a record three minutes, also snagged twelve tons of Kit Kat bars on their way home.14
It all tracks.
Word is, the thieves stole the Kit Kat bars from a truck as it left an Italian distribution center.
Interestingly, the Hershey Company, not Nestlé, is licensed to manufacture Kit Kat in the United States. How does this impact any of this?
Nobody knows.
Let’s finish with a song…
Notes
Apologies for typos or grammatical snafus. This is a long one, and my editor is a figment of my active imagination. Besides, he’s an unreliable vampire.
Thanks for reading!
Footnotes
Jaffe, Greg, Helene Cooper, and Eric Schmitt. “Hegseth Fires Army Chief amid Battle with Its Leaders.” Nytimes.com. The New York Times, April 2, 2026. https://www.nytimes.com/2026/04/02/us/politics/hegseth-fires-general-randy-george.html.
Contributors. “Saudi Journalist (1958–2018).” Wikipedia.org. Wikimedia Foundation, Inc., July 9, 2006. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jamal_Khashoggi#Assassination.
Hulse, Carl, and Michael Gold. “House Punts on Homeland Security Funding, Prolonging Shutdown.” Nytimes.com. The New York Times, April 2, 2026. https://www.nytimes.com/2026/04/02/us/politics/house-dhs-funding-shutdown.html.
Nesi, Chris. “Kristi Noem Weighs in on Report Husband Lives Cross-Dressing Double Life: ‘the Family Was Blindsided by This.’” New York Post, March 31, 2026. https://nypost.com/2026/03/31/us-news/kristi-noem-weighs-in-on-report-husband-bryon-lives-cross-dressing-double-life/.
Romm, Tony. “Trump Requests $1.5 Trillion for Military Spending.” Nytimes.com. The New York Times, April 3, 2026. https://www.nytimes.com/2026/04/03/us/politics/white-house-defense-budget.html
Goldmansachs.com. “How the Conflict in the Strait of Hormuz Could Affect Global Agriculture Prices,” April 2026. https://www.goldmansachs.com/insights/articles/how-the-conflict-in-the-strait-of-hormuz-could-affect-global-agriculture-prices.
Black, Lester. “Failed AI Tractor Company Lays off All Employees, Abandons Bay Area HQ.” SFGATE, April 2, 2026. https://www.sfgate.com/tech/article/monarch-ai-tractor-failure-22183476.php.
Howcroft, Elizabeth, and Tommy Wilkes. “Exclusive: Iran’s Surging Crypto Activity Draws US Scrutiny.” Reuters, February 3, 2026. https://www.reuters.com/business/finance/irans-surging-crypto-activity-draws-us-scrutiny-2026-02-03/.
The original link, if you want to see it on Apartheid Twitter:
Ruminato GIFT LINK 🎁 Kenny, Tess. “Faith Leaders Wash the Feet of 14 Detainees inside Broadview ICE Facility for Holy Thursday.” Chicago Tribune, April 3, 2026. 🎁
Richardson, Heather Cox. “April 2, 2026.” Substack.com. Letters from an American, April 3, 2026. https://heathercoxrichardson.substack.com/p/april-2-2026?utm_source=ruminato.
Watkins, Ali, and Josephine. “Renoir, Cézanne and Matisse Artworks Are Stolen in 3-Minute Museum Heist, Police Say.” Nytimes.com. The New York Times, March 30, 2026. https://www.nytimes.com/2026/03/30/world/europe/parma-art-heist-renoir-matisse-cezanne-italy.html.
“Big Barf Bill”. That’s a good one. I’ll have to remember it.