Hey, Kids, Apply for the Patriot Games!
Fine print: Thanks to Clarence Thomas and other perverts, you'll need to show us your genitalia
Well, they done and did it.
They made a Hunger Games for Maga children.
The application process is now live:
https://freedom250.org/celebration/the-2026-patriot-games
Before I go any further, can I trouble you to spread the link around as much as possible so we can fill it with fake applicants? Let’s bomb the hell out of this place (no, Kash, not literally, dumbass). This is why God made BlueSky, after all.
Here’s the application portal link:
https://freedom250.org/patriot-games
I’ve included photos of the full form for your review before you risk losing everything you own by visiting the site. Aren’t I wonderful and amazing? Where else on Substack do you get this kind of assistance?
I follow the NPR model, so if you’re in the mood to become a paid subscriber, this is a great time to show your appreciation for this kind of valuable info.
The Patriot Games Pitch
My annotations are in italics. The rest is all them:
As America celebrates its 250th birthday, the 2026 Patriot Games will bring together the nation’s most exceptional young athletes and leaders for an unforgettable competition honoring excellence and the American spirit.
And who among us doesn’t look forward to the idea of exposing our vulnerable youth to even more toxic mayhem, this time up close and personal!
The 2026 Patriot Games is a premier national competition featuring outstanding high school students from across
the nationMAGA.Male and female athletes will be selected to represent their home state or territory on a national stage as they compete in a series of high-intensity challenges designed to test strength, speed, agility, teamwork, resilience, and leadership.
Breaking news: I’ve received word that the agility test will involve a team of Trump regime personnel chosen by Susie Wiles to chase the kids around for a genital check to be sure they are what they say they are.
Over the course of the competition, athletes will face a series of demanding physical and mental challenges, culminating in the crowning of one male and one female Patriot Games champion.
Just being within 10,000 feet of the toxic orange sludge that remains of Donald Trump is enough of a mental challenge to last a lifetime.
Each champion will receive $125,000 in scholarship funding.
Breaking News: Ruminato has learned that the money will be donated to a trust fund in Donald Trump’s name and released if, after examining voter rolls, the winner passes further qualification requirements.
The 2026 Patriot Games will be featured as a nationally televised primetime event in August 2026, showcasing America’s next generation of leaders and athletes to audiences across the country.
The regime has blackmailed ABC, threatening to take away its broadcasting license if it doesn’t cover the games on ESPN and ABC.
Participation includes an all-expense-paid trip for each athlete and one chaperone.
The chaperone will be chosen personally by Donald Trump, and will be him.
Eligibility
Must be between 14 (Dear Leader’s preferred age) and 17 years old. Eligible contestants must be 14 by June 1, 2026, and 17 or younger on December 31, 2026.
Exceptions will be made for exceptional 13-year-old beauties, at the Dear Leader’s discretion.Legal U.S. citizen (we’ll check!)
Resident of a U.S. state, territory, or tribal nation
Student in good academic standing
Additional eligibility details will follow
The additional eligibility details cannot be provided on a public-facing website without violating various federal statutes.
Wait. They’re gonna pick the contestants and expect them to be ready by August 9? They know it’s now July, right? No wonder Barron is already being declared one of the winners.
The application form
Note: I might have added some stuff in the “Video: Introduce Yourself” section. It’s a puzzle! See if you can figure out my minor changes. It will be fun for the whole family.
And there you have it, folks.
The Patriot Games, which will somehow be put together with fully vetted candidates by early August.
This means that the regime will choose candidates and make sure they aren’t loony toons armed with long guns and other weaponry in just over a month.
Something tells me that there will soon be Secret Service openings if that’s your jam, cuz they gotta be going crazy right about now.
Honestly, it’s almost enough to make me watch the damn thing. What a circus.
Thanks for reading!
Apparently they aren't using cookies because I just opened a second application.
Application 1 submitted. A Farty Flatula (guardian Motherfucker Jones) has submitted his application.