Hiding in a Catering Container Is the Ultimate Cowardly Iran War Story
The Coward-in-Chief stowed away in a food container and used the crew and press pool of Air Force One as a decoy to get splattered by Iranian missiles.
The Secret Service shoving the Orange Orifice of Malfeasance into a food container is hugely symbolic, is it not?
In case you missed this latest news from the Hormuz Insider Trading War, we learned yesterday that the U.S. Secret Service, acting on credible reports that Iran might try to shoot down Air Force One as it left the NATO summit in Turkiye a month ago, stuffed Trump and his entourage into a catering container and onto a C-32A, which is a military transport plane based on the Boeing 757 that is sometimes used to disappear U.S. immigrants to concentration camps outside the country.
You can’t make this stuff up.
Here’s the sickly macabre part of this story: Air Force One took off from Turkiye as if the bloated one was still on it, thus serving as a decoy for the Iranians to shoot down.
This means that the Secret Service is now in full deviance mode, thus becoming yet another U.S. security agency that will need to be cleansed once this nightmare is over.
As usual, I have my ideas on what should have transpired, and am sad that it did not. My fantasy news report, as written by a New York Times reporter, on how the catering trip ends:
What I envision, and this might be one reason I would never be considered for a Secret Service job, is His Oafishness trussed like a turkey, an apple stuffed into his mouth, then dropped by a parachute into one of those hedonistic Monaco parties where petrostate sheiks get so obliterated on Monaco booze they won’t know they’re eating the president instead of fine, imported meats.
“Tastes like chicken,” one of the more alert members of the tribe exclaims in between pinching the butts of passing waitresses dressed in tiny skirts.
Sigh. As I said, there are reasons I’m not given important jobs.
Did I ever tell you the story about the time I drank so many vodka martinis at a Christmas party whilst chatting with the CTO of the big tech company I worked for that I was called into his office the following week? The key bit of information you need here is that I had never spoken to him before that party.
Yeah, well, so I arrive at work and see in my inbox that a meeting has been scheduled with him by one of his underlings. I arrive for the meeting; he invites me to have a seat, and he rubs his head, which was probably still smarting after the party, and asks, “Do you have any idea what this meeting is about?”
I told him I did not. We spent the next hour chit-chatting about whatever came to mind, occasionally trying to guess what one of us might have thought during our conversation was important enough for a meeting.
It was a beautiful moment between two lost souls, and a reminder that alcohol can be powerful stuff that should be treated maybe with a bit more respect than people tend to give it.
I don’t know why dropping Trump into a party full of Monaco sheikhs reminded me of one of my finer tech career highlights, but it did, and now you had to suffer with me for a few moments, and for this, I apologize.
Moving on.
It’s pretty craven to let Air Force One take off, full of, you know, actual humans, knowing that it might be smoked by an Iranian missile or three.
Squirrelling away a president to prevent him being shot out of the sky? Yeah, sure, that makes sense. But then keeping the Air Force One entourage in the dark about it, where the only warning is, during the flight, some Secret Service goon telling everyone to shut their airplane window shades, is pretty much Hannibal Lecter-level darkness.
The orange puffaroon reconnected with his brand new Qatari version of Air Force One shortly afterward, telling the reporters he had used as decoys:1
“I’m number one on their list, before you. But if I go, you go. Right? Perhaps someday you want to change professions.”
Remember now that most of his press entourage consists of allies from the right-wing media, because he kicked out a large number of mainstream media reporters from the White House press pool early in the regime. So these are mostly his people he’s exposing to the wonders of Iran’s latest missile technology improvements.
I’m beginning to think that one explanation for the regime’s behavior is that there is one hellacious amount of drinking going on at all hours of the day, and not just by Kegsbreath and Patel. I sense, perhaps, too, more than a wee bit of other drug substances are flying around the West Wing.
The claim is that Trump himself is a teetotaler, and I suppose that must be true since there are no reports otherwise, but you can’t tell me he’s not on something.
One look at his Truth Social posts will provide enough evidence of that.
Much of the stuff he writes is undecipherable. It’s like a toddler’s nine-year-old brother hits the keypad to relay the toddler’s latest pontifications on things like the National Guard:2
Chandler Hall, representing, on Television, the foolish Center for American Lack of Progress, stated that adding the National Guard to Cities, including our now Great Again, Washington, D.C., had “NO impact on Crime.” How crazy is that. Hall was met with furious dissent. The report is just another Radical Left SCAM, as are the people who fund this gaggle of Lunatics, including George Soros, Bill and Melinda Gates, Google, Apple, Visa, Goldman Sachs, Citigroup, WellsFargo, Bank of America, Walmart, Toyota, T-Mobile, and NBC Universal. Foreign support includes the Embassy of Japan, the Korea Foundation, Taipei Economic and Cultural Representative Office (Taiwan), and the Embassy of the United Arab Emirates. The Dumocrats love it, and are against anything “TRUMP.” These people, and others like them, are so bad for our Country. Their stated course is anything to hate or demean “TRUMP.” This will be met with a lawsuit, which is being drawn now. I am also strongly considering adding some of the contributors to this Fake Organization. Crime is way down since I took Office, and they know it. Liars, at this level, must be held accountable! President DONALD J. TRUMP
I have no idea what’s going on there.
Yesterday, when he somehow learned that Iran is asking for war reparations, he demanded the same from Iran, acting as though he was blindsided by their demand.
This is odd, because it’s right there in the so-called Memorandum of Understanding, which he signed on June 17. The memorandum proclaimed a $300 billion fund for Iran’s reconstruction. The memorandum was developed by Steve Witkoff and Jared Kushner, two real estate developers hoping to cash in on war and death.
For some reason, these two clowns are hopping around the Middle East acting as U.S. envoys that the rest of the world is forced to politely react to, even though everyone would be happier seeing both of them floating face down in the heavily mined Strait of Hormuz.
Kushner, especially, has his fantasies about Gaza, another place he and Witkoff have stuck their noses into.
Trump’s reparation demands were spelled out on his Truth Social app, presumably with an assist from Natalie (for the history-related stuff):3
I see that Representatives of the Islamic Republic of Iran are asking for compensation for the damage done to them during the last five month Military Conflict (started because, THEY WILL NOT HAVE A NUCLEAR WEAPON), even though it was never mentioned in any of our negotiations or meetings! But it is an interesting idea because now I am likewise demanding compensation from Iran, for all of the people that they have killed and gravely wounded with their roadside bombs and many conflicts, for which they are famous, as led initially by General Soleimani, including the families of those killed on the USS Cole, and thousands of others killed in combat. Additionally, compensation should be paid to the families of the hundreds of thousands of innocent protestors that Iran has killed over the last 50 years, not to mention the 52,000 that have been killed in the last five months. I have instructed my representatives to put this firmly into any, and all, future negotiations. Thank you for your attention to this matter! President DONALD J. TRUMP
I have a mental picture of First Clown Natalie and Trump sitting together collaborating on that post, but since this is a family-oriented Substack that never goes deeply into R-rated material, much less X, I will not divulge what my imagination has conjured.
As funny as all this would be if it were part of a slapstick comedy, the seriousness of it all couldn’t be more real.
Trump’s idiotic war has depleted American missile reserves down to almost nothing. He has essentially handed the Strait of Hormuz to Iran. There is no way to get it back.
Technically, the strait is now being co-managed by Iran and Oman. Before the Hormuz Insider Trading War, the strait was an open sea lane.
I call it the Hormuz Insider Trading War because every few days, there’s a new agreement, the markets react, then there isn’t, and the market reacts again. Somebody is getting really rich.
All I know is that it isn’t me.
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Footnotes
Haberman, Maggie, and Eric Schmitt. “An Elaborate Ruse: Trump Secretly Used Military Jet to Leave Turkey Amid Threats.” The New York Times, August 11, 2026. https://www.nytimes.com/2026/08/10/us/politics/trump-plane-ruse.html.
Trump’s Truth. “Donald J. Trump: ‘Chandler Hall, Representing, on Television, the Foolish Center for American ...,” 2026. https://trumpstruth.org/statuses/40727.
Trump’s Truth is a service that reproduces the ramblings the lunatic-in-chief splutters during his late-night rants so that you can read them, if you’re so inclined, without visiting his True Sociopath Truth Social website.
Trump’s Truth. “Donald J. Trump: ‘I See That Representatives of the Islamic Republic of Iran Are Asking for Co...,” 2026. https://trumpstruth.org/statuses/40702.