How to Meet Women in the Age of Trump
A two-step guide for the lonely hetero MAGA male
No intro needed for this one, folks. If you’re a lonely hetero MAGA male, you know who you are, so let’s get right to it, shall we?
Step one is so obvious that I can’t believe you haven’t thought of it. How do I know you haven’t? Because if you had, you wouldn’t be reading this. You’d be safely tucked away in the arms of your beloved.
The first step in meeting a woman in the age of Trump is simple. Ready?
Go to a No Kings protest. Or better yet, a smaller, more localized protest that opposes, say, child kidnappings.
Wait, me? A MAGA male? Attend a protest?
Shut up and listen.
Almost any form of protest will do. The approximate ratio of women to men will be approximately 10,000 to one. If you can’t meet a woman there, you can’t meet one anywhere.
You’re not alone. Exit polls say that the majority of men voted for Trump. Not just older men. All men. Young men, middle-aged men, men. Women are pissed, so tread carefully, but attending a protest is your best hope for meeting a woman who can help free humanity from the idiocracy.
So be smarter than your peers.
If you voted for Trump, repent. You know you want to. You know that you’re beyond embarrassed. On the list of stupid things you’ve done, and let’s face it, you’re a man, so it’s a long one, this is at the very top.
“Wait,” the lonely MAGA hetero says. “Speak for yourself, you cuck, I don’t do stupid things. Maybe you do, but I don’t.”
There are certain tests we must pass if we’re to succeed with women. One of them is demonstrating at least limited awareness that although doing stupid things may be a human trait, we men are the masters of that universe. If you don’t believe me, check out the things you did yesterday. If you get past lunch, you’re a better man than I.
Back to the stupidest thing you’ve ever done: Don’t even think about going to a protest event and trying to mansplain why you voted for him. This can be our little secret for now. You can only hide your true self for so long, but for now, yeah. Hide it.
If you must reveal the truth, repent immediately.
The modern woman is too smart to waste her time with men who vote for Trump (see footnote1 for exceptions). This is a fact. It is science. There isn’t a world where you can hide under a rock and pretend you didn’t vote for him if you did. The modern woman is, generally, smarter than we men are.
I wish it weren’t true. Well, no, actually, I don’t give a damn. It’s fine with me. For your sake, though, I wish it weren’t true. Because unless you get your shit together and repent, you’ll only be able to partner up with a woman who also voted for Trump.
Can you imagine that horror? I know I can’t.
Even if you don’t agree with me that women are smarter than men (I have no real empirical evidence to support my claim — it’s mostly just personal experience), you can’t argue with the fact that they have a more finely tuned moral compass.
I’ll give you a specific example.
During the 2024 presidential campaign, we learned that a journalist for New York Magazine named Olivia Nuzzi had a romantic relationship with Robert Kennedy Jr., who she was covering for the magazine in a series of articles about the presidential campaign. I can imagine a lot of men pointing a finger and saying, “Moral compass my ass, my man.” Bear with me.
While she was covering Kennedy Jr., she wrote some salty screeds about Biden’s age. Some additional fine print on the relationship is that she was 31 and RFK Jr. was 70. I find nothing wrong here, but I’m in my 60s, so why would I? In fact, I heartily endorse this kind of behavior.
But I can see why some people may get the willies. That said, her moral compass is still not damaged in the way that men’s moral compass can run askew.
I suspect that what went wrong in their relationship wasn’t the awkwardness or even the hypocrisy. People get over that all the time. Most likely, RFK Jr. did something that made Nuzzi barf through the night.
For example, perhaps she discovered that he lopped off a whale’s head.2 Upon hearing this news, most of us men would say something like, “So?” What’s the problem here?
Women don’t think like this.
And if we try to make up an excuse for behavior they find morally objectionable, they are generally too smart to buy into it. “But I have a brain worm,” isn’t going to work with the type of lady you want to spend eternity with.
This may not seem obvious if you don’t hang out with the type of women who attend protests against dudes with long sexual assault histories. But these rallies are jam-packed full of the kind of woman any dude with a brain more productive than a pool of bat guano would want in his life.
So the next step, and my apologies for taking so long to get to it, is this: Accommodate.
As men, our moral center of gravity is almost always somewhat askew. Women are typically going to object to something stupid you have in mind or that you’ve already done. Voting for Trump is one of those things, so why even go there? If you did go there, repent. Oh, and sell all your crypto while you still can.
You see, it’s not about policy. This is why it is impossible to mansplain your way into “making” a woman understand your voting inclinations. Sure, she hates that Dodd snatched away the rights to manage her own body, and sure, too, that’s fired up a lot of our lady friends. And sure, she hates that kids in Chicago are getting kidnapped by masked goons wearing baklavas, or whatever they’re called, on the way to school.
But what really stops them in their tracks is Trump’s morality. He simply has none. Zero. We’re not talking about a few fitful nights with Trump, like it is for most of us. This is a 24/7 situation. This is about waking up at three in the morning and shit posting for five hours to start your day, then spending the rest of your day in frenzied determination to find things to hate and complain about.
And then doing things like bulldozing half the White House.
Most women, by necessity, are not as picky as you think they are. Most women can handle the moral lapses of men. Sure, our moral gravity tells us it’s okay to cut off a whale’s head or bulldoze historical national treasures. Truth is, most women will tolerate a little bit of that here and there.
But there’s a line in the sand. If you voted for Trump, you crossed it.
He has no morality whatsoever. Zip. Nothing there. This is a guy who blows fishermen to pieces off the Venezuelan coast for kicks while calling them drug dealers. Then, a minute later, he’s pardoning the dude who built a crypto empire that laundered money for Hamas and Al Qaeda,3 just after pardoning the dude who built the Silk Road, the world’s biggest online drug marketplace, like, ever.4
Have I mentioned Epstein?
Consider this scenario: You take a job with the Trump regime on a contract basis.
Your female partner (assuming you met her at a protest) in this hypothetical scenario would stop you from working for him in advance if you had just been smart enough to tell her, “Honey, guess what! I’m gonna bill some easy hours and do some work for Trump! Isn’t that exciting?”
She’d call you a moron if you did that. That’s why you wouldn’t tell her. First off, she’d warn you that your chances of getting paid are nil. Secondly, well, you know.
And that’s the thing. You know all of this. I’ve explained nothing you don’t know. I’ve revealed no new facts. It’s all been public information for ten years. In your heart, you know all about the moral depravity of the man in orange.
We often know the things that will make the women in our lives want to bang us in the head with a big black iron skillet, but we do them anyway.
This might be one of those times to reexamine that tendency.
What to do at protests once you’re there
So go to a protest event, grab a sign (but don’t be a dick about it), and shout your support with genuine enthusiasm. Luckily, this is easier than you might think, because if you can go to a protest event and not get worked into a joyous frenzy, you have no soul.
Going to a protest event can be a bit of a minefield. It can be difficult for the newly initiated to strike up a conversation with a new lady friend.
Mingle, but don’t be a dick (I wouldn’t say this so often if you weren’t MAGA, but it bears repeating since you are). If you need instructions on how not to be a dick in a place full of women, perhaps step one is not for you. But if you can manage it, it’s time for step two.
If you’re asked why you didn’t vote for Trump or why you have repented if you were stupid enough to admit you did, begin with this: “Because I’m not a racist and I’m not sexist. I’m not a transphobe, a homophobe, a bigot, or an extreme misogynist. I don’t want to be governed by someone who is a criminal, or is mentally disturbed, or who has been found in a court of law to be a rapist, and was best friends with Jeffrey Epstein. I don’t like being lied to all day, from morning until night. It’s exhausting.”
No need to talk about policy at all.
And the best thing is that it’s all true, right?
Right??????????????????
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Footnotes
Nobody has developed an explanation for the female enablers within the Trump regime. You might consider it an option to meet a MAGA woman, but bear in mind that a MAGA event has a statistically proven proportion of 50,000,000 men to every one woman, and she’s insane, or awash in worthless crypto.
It may not actually be true, or it may be true. Who knows? Certainly not the Internet.
McCarron, Heather. 2024. “‘Unfounded.’ NOAA Closes Investigation into RFK Jr. Whale Head Claims.” Cape Cod Times. October 26, 2024. https://www.capecodtimes.com/story/news/environment/2024/10/26/noaa-robert-f-kennedy-jr-whale-head-allegations-cape-cod-hyannisport/75842534007/.
Hayes, Christal. 2025. “Trump Pardons Silk Road Creator Ross Ulbricht.” Bbc.com. BBC News. January 22, 2025. https://www.bbc.com/news/articles/cz7e0jve875o.
"Mingle, but don’t be a dick (I wouldn’t say this so often if you weren’t MAGA, but it bears repeating since you are)." 😂
👏👏👏👏👏👏 Great piece.
Bullseye on so many levels!