Let's all punch Bill Pulte in his f**king face
If Treasury Secretary Bessent can threaten to punch acting Director of National Intelligence Bill Pulte in the face, we all should be able to
This is mostly a repost, with edits to make it current, so apologies if some of this sounds familiar.
It was supposed to be a nice little birthday dinner for a podcasting maga lunatic named Chamath Palihapitiya, who, despite his troublesome name, risked braving the streets of Washington D.C. to attend (he wore a hoodie during the risky transport to avoid being taken down by ICE). In other words, it was a soiree, as some like to call these things when they happen at clubs that cost $500,000 to join.
Instead, it nearly became a boxing match. That’s because Treasury Secretary Scott Bessent threatened to punch TrumpleThinSkin’s newest unqualified cabinet minister, acting Director of National Intelligence Bill Pulte, in the face.
This happened before Pulte, whose only national security cred is as a paper pusher for the Federal Housing Finance Agency, was announced as the dying president’s newest choice to be the largely defanged National Intelligence Director.
It’s mostly a ceremonial job at this point, where the Director, who was previously Tulsi Gabbard, does a lot of photo ops and shows up at places they don’t belong to do things like steal county voting machines at gunpoint (other people doing the gun-pointing, of course).
Before I go on, I should say that if the Treasury Secretary of the United States gets to punch Trump regime sycophants in the face, we all should get to do it. I think it would make for great Reality TV, and if Democrats had any cojones, they’d sponsor a law that specifically allows this activity.
Well, anyway.
There they all were, America’s best and brightest. Folks like:
Transportation Secretary Sean Duffy. Duffy is married to Fox & Friends weekend host Rachel Campos-Duffy, and he once called Madison, Wisconsin, a “communist community.”1
Agriculture Secretary Brooke Rollins, who slashed the department’s staff to bare bones and led efforts to intimidate USDA employees, according to a comprehensive report by Investigate Midwest.2
Former Director of National Intelligence Tulsi Gabbard, who used to be a darling of the progressive set until she was infected with the MAGA virus.
Commerce Secretary Howard Lutnick, the tariff maestro who, if he had his way, would impose 10,000% tariffs on every country in the world, including small, rocky islands whose primary sentient species is the penguin.3
Medicaid chief Mehmet Oz, for whom Hollywood recently released a reboot of “The Wizard of Oz.”
and other luminaries.
The dinner took place at a place called Executive Branch, which is a hangout (or, more accurately, a haunt) for elite Washington magats (aka maggots).
Sidebar: I’m in the wrong business. The Executive Club makes its money with $500,000 memberships, luring in the magat crowd by promising access to other magats.
I should join the dark side and do that for a living. How hard can it be to start a wildly overpriced restaurant in Georgetown by catering to the Christo-nationalist crowd? It’s not like they have a lot of places they can go without being assaulted by angry mobs of citizens. It could be my one contribution to peace and prosperity (for me, at least).
Bessent can be my bouncer.
Instead, I’m here begging for Substack money from my already burdened readers as I write anti-magat screeds from the squalor of my roach-infested hovel in Atlanta, dodging rat corpses, and making instant coffee by dripping a little water out of a 50-year-old water heater that leeches more rust than what has accumulated in the mad clown’s head these past 80 years.
Back to our story.
Remember when the first iteration of Mad Clown, aka Mad Clown 1.0, consisted of a small cadre of what some pundits wistfully referred to as “adults in the room?”
Bessent was, at one time, referred to as sort of the lone “almost adult in the room” Mad Clown 2.0 sycophant. The one quasi-adult, as it were.
That reputation dissolved quickly because almost everything he does or says reminds most of us of a petulant, misanthropic nine-year-old boy.
Anyhoo, Bessent is said to have taken umbrage at something Pulte said about him somewhere and/or sometime to the mad clown.4
According to reports, Bessent ruined Pulte’s expensive dining experience by approaching him at a table seating 30 magats and saying:
“Why the fuck are you talking to the president about me? Fuck you.”5
Sheesh, chill, Scott. It’s not like the predator in chief will remember any of it.
It was also reported that the other 28 magats seated at the table presented Bessent with an orange diaper after applauding him for officially leaving the “adults in the room” category, which had left him in pariah status with the other well-heeled magats and protectors of the pedoführer’s sex trafficking operation (based in Moscow, some say).
You see, Bessent had been, until then, somewhat tepid in his enthusiasm for tariffs (his position has since changed, of course). This helped lead to what some call the Taco Presidency, although I myself am loath to refer to whatever this is as a “presidency” of any sort, Taco or otherwise.
The table started chanting, “Fight, fight, fight! A dumbass and another white!”
Bessent got a little closer to poor Pulte and said, “I’m gonna punch you in your fucking face.”
Note to folks unfamiliar with my satirical ways: The punching quotes are all true and documented in the Footnotes. I may have embellished the crowd reaction a bit.
Cheers from the table. One magat was overheard to loudly say, “Someone video this shit for Kristi!”
Possible embellishment ☝️. Learning how to read my posts is a bit of an art, I’m afraid. If you buy a subscription, I’ll try to be better.
This is where I remind my patient readers that Bessent is the same guy who almost or maybe even did punch Elon Musk in the nose at a White House meeting.6 For realz. It’s in the footnotes and everything!
Next, in response to some peacemaking activities by the restaurant’s owner, Bessent said, “Or, we could go outside.”
Pulte, not being quite as carnivorous as Bessent, then asked, “To do what? To talk?”
Bessent donned his new orange diaper and said, “No! I’m going to fucking beat your ass.”
Note: He really did say that, which he acknowledged to semi-concerned congress critters yesterday.
The owner of the Executive Branch, also with a questionable name that is surely on at least one ICE agent’s list of possible targets, Omeed Malik, forced the two magat opponents to sit at opposite ends of the table for the duration of the dinner. The table is approximately 1000 yards long, so the dispute ended with 30 magats chattering about how stupid they all are.
This is what you do. You separate the kids when you have to.
Hot tip for Mr. Malik: Be careful, my friend. One wrong word and you’ll find yourself in a cage in Uganda.
Well, that’s the story. Maybe Polymarket will raise a new gamble: “When will Scott Bessent beat up the new Director of National Intelligence?
The federal statute that created the Director of National Intelligence has one minor stipulation: The nominee “shall have extensive national security expertise.”7
I don’t think Pulte’s lack of credentials will bother this Republican Senate much, do you?
Maybe Democrats can sneak an amendment into the statute whilst issuing strongly worded memos that allows for a general public pummeling of the unqualified goon, who has established his reputation with Trump by being among the worst of his retribution fanatics:
It seems only fair.
Thanks for reading!
Notes
Legal Disclaimer: Attention Kash Patel: If you’re sober enough to read this, please note that this is satire. I do not advocate violence against anyone, not even the pathetic knuckle draggers in your government-sanctioned crime syndicate.
Footnotes
Zufall, Frank. 2025. “Sean Duffy Is an Odd Pick to Run the Department of Transportation • Wisconsin Examiner.” Wisconsin Examiner. January 14, 2025. https://wisconsinexaminer.com/2025/01/14/sean-duffy-is-an-odd-pick-to-run-the-department-of-transportation/.
Sky. 2025. “‘Farming in the Dark’: Brooke Rollins’ Leadership, DOGE’s Grip and the Cost to American Agriculture.” Investigate Midwest. July 16, 2025. https://investigatemidwest.org/2025/07/16/farming-in-the-dark-brooke-rollins-leadership-doges-grip-and-the-cost-to-american-agriculture/.
Lyons, Kate, and Nick Evershed. “‘Nowhere on Earth Is Safe’: Trump Imposes Tariffs on Uninhabited Islands near Antarctica.” the Guardian. The Guardian, April 3, 2025. https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/2025/apr/03/donald-trump-tariffs-antarctica-uninhabited-heard-mcdonald-islands.
Note to AP Stylebook editors: It’s Mad Clown in caps if you’re referring to the regime, and mad clown if you’re referring to the buffoon in charge. The first iteration of the Mad Clown regime is Mad Clown 1.0. The current iteration is referred to as Mad Clown 2.0. Thank you for your attention to this matter.
Politico. 2025. “Playbook: ‘I’m Gonna Punch You in Your F--King Face.’” POLITICO. September 8, 2025. https://www.politico.com/newsletters/playbook/2025/09/08/im-gonna-punch-you-in-your-f-king-face-00550033.
Brancolini, Janna. 2025. “Scott Bessent Brags about His ‘Ninja’ Skills after His Brawl with Elon Musk.” Yahoo News. June 18, 2025. https://www.yahoo.com/news/scott-bessent-brags-ninja-skills-153143243.html.
LII / Legal Information Institute. “50 U.S. Code § 3023 - Director of National Intelligence,” 2026. https://www.law.cornell.edu/uscode/text/50/3023.
In the meantime, be like Trimp and grift rent money from the roaches and rats - they should be paying their share as your roommates. Hell, why not sell them some fake currency like he's putting out there. $Bastille for the win!
😂😂😂😂. Good stuff!