"I’m gonna punch you in your f**king face"
A U.S. Treasury Secretary goes ballistic because someone may have said something bad about him to the mad clown
It was supposed to be a nice little birthday dinner for a podcasting maga lunatic named Chamath Palihapitiya, who, despite his troublesome name, risked braving the streets of Washington D.C. to attend (he wore a hoodie): AKA, a soiree, as some like to call these things when they happen at clubs that cost $500,000 to join.
There they all were, America’s best and brightest. Folks like:
Transportation Secretary Sean Duffy. Duffy is married to Fox & Friends weekend host Rachel Campos-Duffy, and he once called Madison, Wisconsin, a “communist community.”1
Agriculture Secretary Brooke Rollins, who has slashed the department’s staff to bare bones and is leading efforts to intimidate USDA employees, according to a comprehensive report by Investigate Midwest.2
Director of National Intelligence Tulsi Gabbard, who used to be a darling of the progressive set until she was infected with the MAGA virus (some say this occurred during a chance meeting with RFK Jr. when they were both vacationing in the Hamptons).
Commerce Secretary Howard Lutnick, the tariff maestro who, if he had his way, would impose 10,000% tariffs on every country in the world, including small, rocky islands whose primary sentient species is the penguin.
Medicaid chief Mehmet Oz, for whom Hollywood recently released a reboot of “The Wizard of Oz.”
and other luminaries.
The dinner took place at a place called Executive Branch, which is a hangout (or, more appropriately, a haunt) for elite Washington magats (aka maggots).
Can I interrupt now and just remind y’all that I’m in the wrong business? The Executive Club makes its money with $500,000 memberships, luring in the magat crowd by promising access to other magats.
I should join the dark side and do that for a living. How hard can it be to start a wildly overpriced restaurant in Georgetown by catering to the Gab crowd? It’s not like they have a lot of places they can go without being assaulted by angry mobs of citizens. It could be my one contribution to peace and prosperity (for me, at least).
Instead, I’m here begging for money as I write anti-magat screeds from the squalor of my roach-infested hovel in Atlanta, skipping over rat corpses and making instant coffee by dripping a little water out of a 50-year-old water heater that leeches more rust than what has accumulated in the mad clown’s head these past 79 years.
Speaking of which, today is the last day for this:
That’s right, 50% off for a year’s supply of Bastille rants, raves, fiction, satire, occasional comedy, and the best and mostest well-researched articles you can find this side of Lake Chaubunagungamaug.
Oh my. Here I am begging for money, and I left off the most important characters of our little story: Treasury Secretary Scott Bessent and a housing finance official who apparently has found a way to pocket enough money on his road to government service to afford this soiree, Bill Pulte.
Remember when the first iteration of Mad Clown, aka Mad Clown 1.0, consisted of a small cadre of what some pundits wistfully referred to as “adults in the room?”
Bessent has been referred to as sort of the lone “almost adult in the room” Mad Clown 2.0 employee. The one quasi-adult, as it were.
Anyhoo, Bessent is said to have taken umbrage at something Pulte said about him somewhere and/or sometime to the mad clown.3
According to reports, Bessent ruined Pulte’s expensive dining experience by approaching him at a table sitting 30 magats and saying:
“Why the fuck are you talking to the president about me? Fuck you.”4
It has also been reported that the other 28 magats seated at the table, who were all wearing diapers, immediately presented Bessent with an orange diaper after applauding him for officially leaving the “adults in the room” category, which had left him in pariah status with the other well-heeled magats and protectors of the pedoführer’s sex trafficking operation (based in Moscow, some say).
You see, Bessent has been somewhat tepid in his enthusiasm for tariffs. This has helped lead to what some call the Taco Presidency, although I myself am loath to refer to whatever this is as a “presidency” of any sort, Taco or otherwise.
The table started chanting, “Fight, fight, fight! A dumbass and another white!”
Bessent got a little closer to poor Pulte and said, “I’m gonna punch you in your fucking face.”
Note to folks familiar with my satirical ways: The punching quotes are all true and documented in the Footnotes. I may have embellished the crowd reaction some.
Cheers from the table. One magat was overheard to loudly say, “Someone video this shit for Kristi!”
Possible embellishment ☝️. Learning how to read my posts is a bit of an art, I’m afraid. If you buy a subscription, I’ll try to be better.
This is where I remind my patient readers that Bessent is the same guy who almost or maybe even did punch Elon Musk in the nose at a White House meeting.5 For realz.
Next, in response to some peacemaking activities by the restaurant’s owner, Bessent said, “Or, we could go outside.”
Pulte, not being quite as carnivorous as Bessent, then asked, “To do what? To talk?”
Bessent donned his new orange diaper and said, “No! I’m going to fucking beat your ass.”
Note: He really did say that, but reports about the orange diaper may not be accurate (or real).
The owner of the Executive Branch, also with a questionable name that is surely on at least one ICE agent’s list of possible targets, Omeed Malik, forced the two magat opponents to sit at opposite ends of the table for the duration of the dinner. The table is approximately 1000 yards long, so the dispute ended with 30 magats chattering about how stupid they all are.
This is what you do. You separate the kids when you have to.
Hot tip for Mr. Malik: Be careful, my friend. One wrong word and you’ll find yourself in a cage in Uganda.
Thanks for reading!
Footnotes
Zufall, Frank. 2025. “Sean Duffy Is an Odd Pick to Run the Department of Transportation • Wisconsin Examiner.” Wisconsin Examiner. January 14, 2025. https://wisconsinexaminer.com/2025/01/14/sean-duffy-is-an-odd-pick-to-run-the-department-of-transportation/.
Sky. 2025. “‘Farming in the Dark’: Brooke Rollins’ Leadership, DOGE’s Grip and the Cost to American Agriculture.” Investigate Midwest. July 16, 2025. https://investigatemidwest.org/2025/07/16/farming-in-the-dark-brooke-rollins-leadership-doges-grip-and-the-cost-to-american-agriculture/.
Note to AP Stylebook editors: It’s Mad Clown in caps if you’re referring to the regime, and mad clown if you’re referring to the buffoon in charge. The first iteration of the Mad Clown regime is Mad Clown 1.0. The current iteration is referred to as Mad Clown 2.0. Thank you for your attention to this matter.
Politico. 2025. “Playbook: ‘I’m Gonna Punch You in Your F--King Face.’” POLITICO. September 8, 2025. https://www.politico.com/newsletters/playbook/2025/09/08/im-gonna-punch-you-in-your-f-king-face-00550033.
Brancolini, Janna. 2025. “Scott Bessent Brags about His ‘Ninja’ Skills after His Brawl with Elon Musk.” Yahoo News. June 18, 2025. https://www.yahoo.com/news/scott-bessent-brags-ninja-skills-153143243.html.
In the meantime, be like Trimp and grift rent money from the roaches and rats - they should be paying their share as your roommates. Hell, why not sell them some fake currency like he's putting out there. $Bastille for the win!
😂😂😂😂. Good stuff!