If that headline didn’t get your attention, nothing will, which means I’ll need to find something else to do with my time.
And yet, believe it or not, it’s not clickbait.
Settle in with your favorite morning alcoholic beverage, and I’ll explain why. You may need the whole bottle. Or two.
Our story begins in California, where conservatives are outraged over a Republican gubernatorial candidate’s ad that they say is suggestive of (whispers quietly) lesbian acts.
Not just lesbian acts, but (whispers more quietly), the groomer kind, the kind where the innocent hetero female is about to be sucked into a world of depravity and sin.
Wait, my always-alert readership says between sips of their early morning cucumber martini. “Did you say the Republican guy has conservates all in a tither?”
I did indeed.
The super duper, ultra-right-wing Trump thumper?
Yeppers.
Steve Hilton, the Gubernatorial candidate in question, released an ad so stunning in its creepiness that both sides in the election are searching for words to describe it. Democrats have settled pretty much on “ick,” “creepy,” “depraved,” and “borderline pedo” because of the grooming portrayed in the ad. Hey, at least we can all agree on something. Obama’s dream of a purple America lives on!
It would be normal to think at this point that Hilton’s ad must be a too-real portrayal of grooming that is making people uncomfortable as he rails against the Epstein class.
Nope. That ain’t it. The opposite is happening. Hilton’s ad loves the grooming. He loves the Epstein class. That is pretty clear after watching this thing.
There is no way to prepare you for this ad’s video, so if you’re feeling a bit beat up by all the craziness going on around us, I’ll understand if you sit the rest of this one out. Also, trigger warning:
Trigger warning: The video in this post portrays a disturbing grooming scene that will creep you out.
The ad, which appeared last week, opens with two young, attractive hipster women sitting face to face on a bed. Their lips are pierced, and everything! Hipstermania! The kind of people who would never vote for Steve Hilton. Right?
Romantic music is playing in the background.
One of the women is urging the other to try something for the first time, using the most suggestive tones imaginable for an AI ad. The two women are sitting in front of a Pride flag, too. Oh, one more thing. One of them (I’ll call her the groomee) is wearing a shirt that says, “Resist.” This ad redefines the concept: “You can’t make this stuff up.”
As the romantic, soft porn music slithers forth, one of the women (the groomee) says in a halting, almost trembling voice, “I’ve just never done anything like this before. What if my dad finds out?”
Oh, honey, if your dad is a Republican, he’s got this shiz on an autoplay loop.
Anyhoo, her friend’s response? “Just try it. Look,” continues the groomer. “Give me your hand. [More soft porn music] Close your eyes.”
The groomee closes her eyes with a mild tremble, but with curious anticipation.
The groomer purrs, “And I’ll do all the work,” as her eyes point downward.
The groomer then guides her friend’s hand to a mail-in ballot and fills in the circle next to Steve Hilton’s name.
“I think… I think I liked it,” says the groomee. Both gals giggle.
Then comes the headline to this post.
The groomer says, “Now lick it.”
End of commercial.
Feeling strong? Here is the full video. I decided I'd better grab the raw video in case Hilton feels the heat enough to pull the ad from YouTube or X (where it first appeared).
Steve Hilton’s “Lick it” Ad
It’s amazing that someone approved this ad, much less produced it. It insults so many people on so many levels that it’s hard to know where to begin.
I was even reluctant to report it to you. It’s that insulting. But, sadly, I am easily amused by incompetence, especially at these earth-shattering decibels.
Let’s review some of the comments on the YouTube page that carries the ad, just for grins:
Hijo_del_Oso
When your commercial is so creepy that even MAGAs are running from you….
stevechristian1693
I’m going to scissor Steve Hilton right off of my ballot.
SamInNY315
This Hilton dude has some unaddressed issues.
QuincyAlexander-f3r
Congratulations Governor Becerra LOL.
Ma660t5andw1ch
Topic: missed opportunity to use Radiohead’s “Creep” as background music.
Those were just the first few comments I saw. I didn’t need to scroll down for more to get the overall tone of YouTube viewer response.
The normies were creeped out, but the conservatives were outraged because they felt like the ad promoted “lesbianism.”1
Pastor Jack Hibbs, a Christian Nationalist out of Calvary Chapel in Chino Hills, huffed that word out as he claimed that it’s a “pandemic” among high school and college students. As outraged as he is, though, Jack says he’s still voting for Hilton.
And that only makes sense, because half his congregation will probably squirrel away a copy of the ad and use it for future “reference,” because there’s nothing more titillating to closeted, frustrated Christian fundamentalists than the forbidden fruit.
Just ask evangelical hypocrite Jerry Falwell Jr., who somehow let this photo slip into his Instagram feed and found himself hightailing it out of his lofty positions as president and chancellor of Christo-nationalist Liberty University in Virginia after vigorous objections were raised:
Don’t worry about Jerry, though. After Liberty University asked him to please exit the premises, he sued the pants off them (I’m deeply sorry for this pun). He scored a clean $15.5 million settlement from his getaway.
I swear, I am in the wrong business.
Who the hell is Steve Hilton, anyway?
The guy responsible for the ad wants to be the next governor of California.
The good news is that if it turns out that Californians defy gravity by voting for him over his Democratic opponent, former California Attorney General and former U.S. Secretary of Health and Human Services under Biden, Xavier Becerra, he won’t be able to run for president later. He’s British.
He’s yet another former Fox News loudmouth who was once Director of Strategy to the Prime Minister of the United Kingdom. Why the hell is he here making creepy, weird ads? Is this not a deportable offense? Ask Stephen Miller. Maybe he knows.
I think that’s really all you need to know about him. He’s running against a well-qualified guy in Becerra (Gavin Newsom is term-limited), and when he debated said well-qualified guy, the LA Times had a field day:2
Steve Hilton came in with next to no chance of becoming the next California governor, but maybe if he focused on touting the feel-good messages he’s been spouting since launching his campaign in front of the Huntington Beach Pier earlier this year — Make California Gold Again! Califordable! I’m a Legal Immigrant with a British Accent! — he might’ve convinced at least a few voters to go with him.
Instead, Hilton debated like someone already preparing to launch a podcast or beg for his old Fox News job back after he gets walloped. When your solution for solving California’s housing crisis is building 10 new cities, you’re not running for California governor — you’re angling for an influencer job with the Irvine Co.
He whined and grumbled and grinned and quoted someone calling Becerra a “bitch ass,” which would’ve been a funny dig if he wasn’t running to run the greatest state on Earth.
The only reason this kind of thing matters is that this is the type of stuff we will be seeing more of now that the Republican Party has been Trumpified. Especially now that you can create an ad like this without an advertising production budget.
I doubt this ad was produced in the classic sense of the word. Most likely, those are AI girls in the video (and even then, I’m worried that they’ll be subjected to improper treatment by the ad’s producers). Hilton’s ad team probably found some young ladies somewhere to dub in the voices.
If this was a traditional ad shot on a set, Hilton should probably be detained by the Los Angeles County Sheriff’s Department.
Musical interlude
I’ll end this creepy but mercifully short visit to Republiciana with this classic work of musical artistry:
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Footnotes
Sosa, Anabel. “Steve Hilton’s New Ad Is Being Called ‘Creepy.’” SFGATE, October 5, 2026. https://www.sfgate.com/politics/article/steve-hilton-ad-lgbtq-22463246.php.
Arellano, Gustavo, Mark Z. Barabak, and Anita Chabria. “Here’s Who Won the Hilton-Becerra Debate for California Governor.” Los Angeles Times, October 2026. https://www.latimes.com/politics/story/2026-09-30/heres-who-won-hilton-becerra-debate-for-california-governor.
“Settle in with your favorite morning alcoholic beverage, and I’ll explain why. You may need the whole bottle. Or two.”
What! Are you watching me in my kitchen!?😂😂🍾