Midweek March Madness in the White House
A late night midweek random wrap up because the mad clown snatched valuable TV time
With a drooling, near-dead president looking on, Solicitor General D. John Sauer today tried to extinguish the citizenship of millions of Americans in a poser’s minefield of bizarre arguments to the Supreme Court.
The case in front of the Supreme Court centered around one of Trump’s hairbrained executive orders, Executive Order 14160, which tried to alter the meaning of the Fourteenth Amendment, which states:1
“All persons born or naturalized in the United States, and subject to the jurisdiction thereof, are citizens of the United States and of the State wherein they reside.”
Trump, or more likely one of his Project 2025 legal writers from the Heritage Foundation, tried to redefine what the phrase “subject to the jurisdiction thereof” means.
Rather than the meaning accepted since the Amendment was ratified in 1868, that it simply refers to people who live in the U.S. and are subject to its laws (as opposed to, for example, embassy personnel, who are not), the regime tried some pretzel logic:
But the Fourteenth Amendment has never been interpreted to extend citizenship universally to everyone born within the United States. The Fourteenth Amendment has always excluded from birthright citizenship persons who were born in the United States but not “subject to the jurisdiction thereof.”
Like they usually do when they want to do something either inane or just mean, they made stuff up and wrote this into the Executive Order:
Among the categories of individuals born in the United States and not subject to the jurisdiction thereof, the privilege of United States citizenship does not automatically extend to persons born in the United States:
(1) when that person’s mother was unlawfully present in the United States and the father was not a United States citizen or lawful permanent resident at the time of said person’s birth, or
(2) when that person’s mother’s presence in the United States at the time of said person’s birth was lawful but temporary (such as, but not limited to, visiting the United States under the auspices of the Visa Waiver Program or visiting on a student, work, or tourist visa) and the father was not a United States citizen or lawful permanent resident at the time of said person’s birth.
This pile of made-up nonsense was important enough to the barely mobile Trump that he managed to show up in person at the Supreme Court to listen to his man make up more stuff. This was the first time in history an American president showed up to a Supreme Court hearing to cheer his lawyers on.
Although, to be fair, reporters at the scene noted that he spent most of his time with one hand clasped over the other, damaged hand, listening in silence.
Sauer complained to the justices that current interpretations of the Fourteenth Amendment “demeans the priceless and profound gift of American citizenship.”
Worse, Oh my God! It “operates as a powerful pull factor for illegal immigration.”
Worse, Oh my God! It “has spawned a sprawling industry of birth tourism, as uncounted thousands of foreigners from potentially hostile nations have flocked to give birth in the United States.”
Birth tourism! That justices didn’t all break out into simultaneous laughter is a tribute to just how staid one must become to sit in those seats.
Chief Justice John Roberts, on his way to the kill shot without yet realizing it, asked Sauer if birth tourism is a real problem. Sauer pointed to an estimate, probably made up by Stephen Miller, that China has left one and a half million birth tourist babies in its wake, somehow. Hey, at least they weren’t aborted.
The Roberts kill shot was waiting for Sauer when Sauer next said, “We’re in a new world now where eight billion people are one plane ride away from having a child who’s a U.S. citizen.” 2 Yikes! I’m not ready for eight billion neighbors, either. I barely get along with the one I know.
Roberts went in for the kill: “Well, it’s a new world. It’s the same Constitution.”
Boom! Case closed.
TrumpleSleazeSkin left in a huff shortly after that to prepare for his big prime time speech about Iran and get himself injected with whatever chemicals his team of taxidermists uses to keep him upright.
TrumpleSleazeSkin’s Big Prime Time Speech
In a clear crime against humanity, President Trump Krasnov demanded, and received, network airtime tonight in a bizarre bid to get people to listen to him talk. A few did, but he didn’t say anything new.
He said the Strait of Hormuz, where 20 percent of the world’s oil supply passes when idiot presidents aren’t bombing Iran, would “open naturally,” like it’s a mouth to feed.
Iran, for its part, said before the speech that it held no enmity towards the American people. Whether that’s true or not, that’s the impression their Lego movies are presenting, too. It’s clear they think the enemy is Trump.
On that, my misogynist, authoritarian friends who slaughter protesters for sport, we are in agreement.
NASA’s Artemis II Mission Heads to the Moon
Whatever alien race sent Trump to us must be alarmed at the news that we silly humans seem to be venturing out again. Today, NASA’s Artemis II rocket lifted off with three Americans and one brave Canadian (!). Elbows 🇨🇦 Up!
Wait. Aren’t we at war with Canada? As Tucker Carlson (SNL version) would say, “What’s going on here?”
The mission should be considered a failure in advance since Trump is not on the craft as payload to be dumped off on the far side of the moon on the mission’s return trip.
From NASA:
Let’s close with some music:
Footnotes
https://public-inspection.federalregister.gov/2025-02007.pdf (PDF)
Liptak, Adam, Ann E Marimow, Miriam Jordan, Zach Montague, Zolan Kanno-Youngs, Amy Qin, Aishvarya Kavi, et al. “Supreme Court Updates: Key Justices Appear Skeptical of Limiting Birthright Citizenship.” Nytimes.com. The New York Times, April 2026. https://www.nytimes.com/live/2026/04/01/us/supreme-court-birthright-citizenship
Thanks for reading this random late night post!
Great piece....we watched the take off from a hospital room (yes, we're back for another thing) and were disappointed they didnt strap the felon to the front of the rocket. Oh well, maybe next time. 🤞