Background (Updated from previous Letters from the Front): Infighting within MAGA is consuming the world’s only known multibillion-dollar child sex trafficking cult, which features a crime boss posing as a president, protected by his personal lawyer Todd Blanche, the CEO of the Department of Trump Criminality (DTC), once known as the Department of Justice (DOJ). All of this makes the ancient Roman emperor Caligula look like Dolly Parton in comparison.
If you’re not familiar with the Groyper Wars, here’s a quick summary and all you need to know: It’s a war between various MAGA factions over its dead soul. Loyalties are impossible to define. They change daily. Not even the combatants know who their homies or enemies are.
And now, one of its major combatants, Milo Yiannopoulos, has been captured.
Why is the current iteration called Groyper War Three? Nobody really knows, but we think it may have all started when white nationalist Nick Fuentes said he was officially finished with Trump and declared Groyper War Two during the 2024 presidential campaign. The renouncement, of course, was temporary.
Some say many of them are now fighting over Charlie Kirk’s grievingly thriving wife, who has made a fortune off Charlie’s death, but, really, it’s anybody’s guess. Could be anything. What happens in the asylum known as MAGA stays in the asylum.
Meanwhile, the regime is suffering one loss after another. Morale on the “home front” is low, despite the brave face put on by chief Gestapo Rat Stephen Miller, who appears to be the shadow boss of the Department of Homeland Security (DHS).
This letter is from one of the brave fighters of Groyper War Three. As always, it comes with its own musical score you can listen to while reading (under Notes).
You’ll only find this kind of content on Ruminato (Praise the heavens!).
My Eternally Beloved:
Milo has been captured by the enemy.
And the world is again upside down.
I am no longer able to apply my usual positive spin to the battlefront, my darling cherub of hate. Our forces are in disarray. The enemy, which is us, consumes us from all directions.
I know you worshipped Milo from afar and that it is quite likely your affection for him resulted in at least one of the seventy or so Dear John letters you have sent me during these last few months.
To honor your unrelenting affection for the man, the hero, the myth, I’ve created a collage of his various likenesses over the years, which I am forwarding to you as a framed gift under separate cover.
I call the piece, “The Many Looks of Milo.” I am confident that you will appreciate it enough to revoke your most recent collection of restraining orders, which have kept me somewhat on the run of late.
I hope you can understand the fury of the passions involved in this, our movement’s latest civil war.
These days, honestly, who knows whose side anybody is on? Our friends are our enemies, and our enemies are our friends.
Case in point: Longtime warrior Thomas Massie has gone from this…
…to helping our common mortal enemy.
He is attacking the Great Leader from every side these days. He has, in fact, apparently joined the axis of evil that is trying to blacken the soul of this once great, proud, white nation. Has he not lately pondered the tint of his skin? What has become of the man?
The world is upside down, my lovely vixen of venality. We forge ahead anyway, determined that our cause is just, no matter what the rest of the world may say.
The trouble began when the persistently servile and fanatical Laura Loomer reported Milo to ICE, which is supposed to be on our side.1
I don’t know who on the other side put them up to this, but the Department of Homeland Security, which used to be our most reliable ally, dared to write this treasonous babble in reference to our dear friend:
He chose to overstay his welcome in violation of our nation’s laws.
Yiannopoulos was issued a final order of removal by an Immigration Judge on July 22, after failing to show up for his immigration hearing. He will remain in ICE custody pending removal.
Being in detention is a choice. We encourage all illegal aliens to take control of their departure with the CBP Home App. The United States is offering illegal aliens $3,000 and a free flight to self-deport now. We encourage every person here illegally to take advantage of this offer and reserve the chance to come back to the U.S. the right legal way to live the American dream. If not, you will be arrested and deported without a chance to return.
How can an English citizen be in violation of immigration laws in a nation England herself created? How do we prevail against such madness? This grave insult takes place in the wake of the debauchery behind sending and incarcerating the great warrior Andrew Tate, who now faces the possibility of being punished in the authoritarian English kingdom for simply having an enviable lifestyle.
Adding insult to obvious injury, my sweet, fire-breathing fräulein, Milo was on his way to a Kanye concert when he was apprehended.
The ever-vicious (and some say viscous) Laura Loomer, whom Milo heroically outed for her mental illness issues2 (which she has never admitted to), alerted ICE that he could be found arriving at Armstrong International Airport in New Orleans on his way to Kanye’s concert at the New Orleans Superdome.
Such treachery will not go unanswered, I can assure you, my sweet siren of Satan.
I believe their feud goes back as far as his days as a loyal intern to Marjorie Taylor Greene, that blonde bombshell of turncoats, whom he has since, hopefully, disavowed (it can be admittedly difficult to follow Milo’s pattern of well-crafted hate).
Internecine conflict, of course, is the patron saint of our movement, so we cannot be moved by its occasional friendly fire, but when the losses mount as they have during these dark hours, it can be a challenge to stay positive, which is where I find myself today, as I write this letter under the fire of an enemy I no longer understand.
Even the great founder of our movement seems to be in disarray. We’ve long measured his general mood by evaluating the size of what our mortal enemy calls “cankles,” which are now the size of the very buildings he names for himself. He seems to be angry with everyone, and has of late sequestered himself with Natalie, who I’m told by unreliable sources now feeds him through a bottle every night for his only dietary sustenance.
How, you must wonder, is he then nearing 300 pounds, which has become apparent as we watch him lumber through his days? I think, my dear, that his inflammation, grown by anger, has merely expanded his girth to such a degree that he appears to the public as nothing more than a large, orange mass of diseased flesh.
These days, he’s sleeping with strange bedfellows such as Lyndsey’s wife, Darline Graham, who can’t even spell her own first name. Losing Lyndsey was such a devastating loss, but he had a true MAGA patriot waiting in the wings before he turned to Lyndsey’s wife.
As I said. Everything is upside down.
He has seized Venezuelan oil fields, so all is not lost. Word is that he will try to capture Argentine beef next to assuage the anger of ranchers, who were once a proud constituency but who are now more bankrupt than one of our dear leader’s casinos.
But there is a shadow looming over the conquest of Venezuela, my sweet succubus of sadism. The great fighting men of our navies are jumping ship, literally, after achieving their great victory obliterating Iran’s nuclear weapon fields. The nation’s once proud war machines are limping through the Strait of Hormuz, bathroomless and rudderless, the personnel living on peanut butter sandwiches and Captain Crunchberries (if they’re lucky).
We have succeeded, of course, in achieving full autonomy from the rest of the world through our leader’s brilliant policies of isolation and tariffs, but at a cost we’ve yet to fully count.
But these are small matters. We need not worry about our leader’s greatness. He will prevail while we fight on in the trenches of this third Groyper War on his behalf. We can trust him to lead us forward. All we need to do is continue our great march and help the nation understand the need to cast off its colored sheets in favor of white.
Onward, purity!
I pray you find happiness during this, our third Groyper War, and that you stay well as you eagerly await my return. May the farce be with you.
Notes:
My regular readers will recognize this as satire, borrowed from many different iterations of wartime Letters from the Front Lines.3
Hopefully, the rest of you will, too. If you don’t, who can blame you?
They’ve ruined satire, pretty much.
Meanwhile, I, too, will soldier on, as I celebrate the great leopard of fascism:
Background music while reading
Other Groyper War “Letters from the Front”
A Valentine's Day Letter from the Front Lines
Background: Infighting within MAGA is consuming the world’s only known multibillion-dollar child sex trafficking cult, which features a crime boss posing as a president protected by his screaming banshee, Pam Bondi, who uses her position to hide the crimes of a dude who makes Caligula look like Cindy Lou Who from Whoville in comparison.
A Valentine's Day Letter from the Front Lines
Background: Infighting within MAGA is consuming the world’s only known multibillion-dollar child sex trafficking cult, which features a crime boss posing as a president protected by his screaming banshee, Pam Bondi, who uses her position to hide the crimes of a dude who makes Caligula look like Cindy Lou Who from Whoville in comparison.
I can’t explain why there is a Groyper War Four, or even if there really was one. It’s all part of the mystery!
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Footnotes
Dolak, Kevin. “Milo Yiannopoulos in ICE Custody After Feud-Fueled Tip-Off.” The Hollywood Reporter, August 29, 2026. https://www.hollywoodreporter.com/news/general-news/milo-yiannopoulos-ice-custody-tip-off-1236684770/.
Hollywood Reporter, ibid
American Experience. “Letters from the Front.” Pbs.org. American Experience, May 31, 2019. https://www.pbs.org/wgbh/americanexperience/features/dday-letters-front/.
OMG. Hilarious 🤣