Pam Bondi Duct Tapes Her Mouth and Neck and Other News of the Week
Kushner and Company add a $300 million Iranian slush fund as the Trump/Esptein protection racket toys with Congress critters
The Trump regime is boring a hole for itself so deep that it doesn’t seem to be aware that they’re buried under about a thousand miles of steamy magma poo.
Let’s take a look at each crazy morsel for this week, with the caveat being that I’m only picking either the wildest stuff or the stuff that interested me the most.
Pam Bondi Duct Tapes Her Mouth and Neck
Normally, I’d be reluctant to make fun of someone with a recent cancer diagnosis. I had a hemorrhagic stroke not so long ago, so I suppose I wouldn’t like it if someone made fun of me for appearing at a hearing with a big bloody bandage attached to the back of my head as some kind of bizarre showpiece.
Or maybe I’d ask RFK Jr. if he knows someone who can drill a hole in the back of my head in such a way as it shows off my suffering but doesn’t kill me or let earworms enter through my new brain orifice.
(To be fair, I say “Just kill me now,” almost every morning when I see my first news headline).
But here we are, with Bondi showing up at her congressional “deposition” hearing prominently displaying a bandage on the front of her neck for all to see. I can sort of hear her mumbling to herself as she gets ready for the non-event: “One more button? Sure. One more,” as she loosens her blouse. But then someone talks her into rebuttoning it on the way into the hearing, so we peons miss out on that thrill.
After duct-taping her tracheotomy hole, or whatever the hell that was, she then duct-taped her mouth in the hearing and refused to even take an oath to answer questions honestly. And, really, who can blame her? If I had devoted my entire term as Attorney General to hiding the pedo president’s long, sordid relationship with Jeffrey Epstein, I’d avoid taking oaths, too.
Just for grins, she decided to say that TrumpleThinSkin’s personal attorney, Todd Blanche, who replaced her as Attorney General, was responsible for handling the redactions and the very limited release of the Epstein Files. (Note: She did not say this under oath.) So, you know, nothing to see here, but if there is, there’s your guy, the boss’s lawyer.
The only Republican at the closed-door congressional hearing was House Oversight Committee Chairman James Comer, who had to be there because, well, he’s the chairman, and because he’s needed to thwart any attempts by Democrats to find a semblance of accountability.
When the final reckoning for all this comes due, the Democratic Party should buy a fleet of buses for all these goons to run each other over with. They can use the Jan 6 slush fund to pay for them.
Disclaimer: Actually, Democrats cannot use the slush fund, as you’ll see later.
Aaron Parnas also reported that Bondi threw Kash Patel under the bus, presumably because everybody else in the regime is doing that these days, so why not?1 “About what?” You might ask. Who knows?
What matters is that the survivors remain without answers. They keep showing up for these hearings and keep getting treated like the Trump regime treats women more generally.
Women like E. Jeanne Carroll.
Is E. Jeanne Carroll under formal harassment protocol? Or not?
Somebody leaked to CNN that E. Jeanne Carroll was under a formal harassment protocol by the Department of Justice as this week’s installment of TrumpleThinSkin’s hate, grievance, and retribution campaign.
The harassment protocol was deemed an “investigation” by the mainstream media, which knows better but doesn’t care. When the man who was said by whoever leaked the story to CNN to be heading the “inquiry,” U.S. Attorney Andrew Boutros, of Illinois’ Northern District, found out he was outed as the lead harasser, he quickly released a statement saying the leak was untrue.
Most likely, TrumpleThinSkin’s personal attorney, Todd Blanche, cut open that leak as part of the predator-in-chief’s never-ending harassment campaign against women, and E. Jeanne Carroll in particular.
Ms. Carroll is one of the few people who have trounced the mad clown in court. If the walking malignancy wasn’t able to let go of one short statement by Texas Senator John Cornyn about the clown’s electability, you can just imagine how much his grievance against Ms. Carroll has spread throughout his body. Might explain the cankles.
Likely story length: One day.
Ongoing harassment: Forever.
Broadview Six in Chicago released by… Andrew Boutros!
Speaking of Andrew Boutros, he had to let a bunch of ICE protesters go because his office completely fumbled its case. Apparently, members of his crack team engaged in a bit of (grand) jury tampering while seeking an indictment.
Grand jury members were contacted outside of the courtroom, where it was politely suggested that they vote for an indictment. When this was discovered, the judge in the case became furious, and Boutros crawled into the courtroom on his hands and knees, apologized, and then said his office was dismissing the charges.
One of those protesters was Kat Abughazaleh, a local journalist who should have won the U.S. House of Representatives Democratic primary seat she ran for but hasn’t yet figured out how to drain oil sludge out of Chicago’s machine politics, where Democrats are almost as dirty as Republicans. She’ll figure it out next time.
Ms. Abughazaleh has been at the forefront of Chicago protests against ICE. She’s also got a lot of guts and is frequently in the face of ICE goons and regime stormtroopers.
January 6 Insurrectionist Slush Fund put on hold
You’ve probably heard of the $1.8 billion the Insurrectionist-in-Chief wants to distribute to his fellow Benedict Arnolds on the January 6 insurrectionist team. This slush fund is supposedly to pay off people the regime claims were harmed by legitimate Biden-era criminal complaints and convictions, most of which were wiped out by grifter pardons.
You might not have been paying attention to how he got there. This was “accomplished” by withdrawing a lawsuit against himself.
I know, wacky. There’s no way for normal people to really grasp all this, so it’s best to leave the details to folks like U.S. District Judge Kathleen Williams, who on Friday said, in effect, “Look. You manage the IRS (the government entity he and his family sued). You can’t have an adversarial relationship with your own government agency, since you’re the chief executive.” So she said that he had to reopen the case.
Wait, the inrepid reader wonders. Why reopen a case without an adversarial relationship? Ah, that’s the beauty of it. The case will get thrown out of court, and the slush fund will go poof in the night.
As an added bit of icing to this cake, U.S. District Judge for the Eastern District of Virginia, Leonie M. Brinkema, ordered a halt to the slush fund because, almost as soon as the slush fund was announced, people who have been harmed by the Trump regime put in their claims for some of the cash, which means that the government can’t be a fair arbiter of who gets the money.
I sometimes think the regime’s lawyers sit around in a room and play a shot-drinking game before coming up with their various grifting strategies.
When I was in college, we played a cool one. We called it, “Roll that hot pencil.”
The gameplay went like this:
A player rolls the pencil on a table. If the label comes up at the very top, you do a shot. Very simple.
This kind of game is why college kids sometimes die from alcohol poisoning. I strongly recommend this to any of my MAGA friends out there. Play it every night for a few months. It’s fun for the whole family. Hide the guns.
New $300 billion slush fund proposed for Iran War
The clown-in-chief continues to try to slither out of the on-again/off-again Strait of Hormuz War he started, while the crime family and friends get rich off market fluctuations from various pronouncements.
“Boss,” Invanka-husband and real estate magnet Jared Kushner must have said in the wake of the halt to the insurrectionist slush fund. “I got an idea.”
Sidebar: I spelled it that way on purpose — he’s a grift magnet, not a real estate magnate.
Why not, Kushner must have mused, create a $300 billion slush fund to develop a real estate empire in Iran, hopefully with lots and lots of taxpayer dollars?
I can imagine the brochures now: “Come to Qom, where you can meet real-life Iranian clerics and share the age-old chant, ‘Death to America’ with locals while haggling prices for Persian rugs.”
The boss, feeble-minded and barely able to utter basic vocabulary words like “that’s” and “stupid,” must have nodded his head whilst half asleep and pursing a bubble out of his lips.
Somehow, that’s the latest “idea” coming out of the negotiations involving Kushner and wealthy real estate dude and developer Steve Witkoff (net worth $2.3 billion), they of the highly successful Gaza tourist attractions that are popping up all over Gaza while Israel continues to strip the land of Palestinians.
You might recall that the Witkoff/Kushner tandem declared that the Gaza Strip could be turned into a glistening beachfront tourist mecca to help people forget about the killing fields of Netanyahu.
That’s working out so well that the pair has proposed a similar deal for Iran, which you can imagine is desperately eager for a commercial alliance with the Trump regime.
Earlier in the week, Trump threatened to blow up Oman, a small sheikhdom on the Arabian peninsula, because it indicated a willingness to pay tolls to access the Strait of Hormuz. On Friday, Treasury Secretary Scott Bessent, who keeps sticking his nose in foreign affairs, reduced the threat to sanctions, then punched a Cabinet member in a restaurant in Georgetown (I might have made that last part up).
President Cankles is in perfect health
According to Navy physician Captain Sean Barbabella, seen here posing for Trump in the newly installed cage-fighting arena on the White House Lawn (under construction), President Cankles is in perfect health.2
Barbabella released a three-page medical report late Friday night stating that this perfection demonstrated a lower level of leg swelling than last year’s report, which reported “normal blood flow and no leg swelling.”3 I guess that means negative leg swelling?
Using AI, the good doctor discovered that the Cankles’ cardiovascular system is so pristine that it is 14 years younger than his chronological age. This is where most Substackers refute such nonsense by including photos of his bruised hands and swollen canckles, but I respect my readers too much to display parts of Donald Trump’s body, especially on a Saturday morning when they may be nursing a slight hangover and already feeling a bit nauseous.
No mention of chronic venous insufficiency (CVI), which occurs when leg veins struggle to return blood to the heart. Apparently, the doctor considers this a normal condition, along with whatever blockages are preventing the kind of brain function that allows normal speech patterns and prevents people from sleeping on the job every day.
My favorite part of the report was, “Circulation to the extremities remains intact.”
This doesn’t quite convince me that one of these days we won’t see one of his legs dangling by itself from the middle of the steps of Air Force One as he stumbles his way to the top, but sure, okay, whatever you say, doc. (Future book title about the life and times of Cankle Trump: No Leg Left Behind), with the movie version by David Cronenberg.4
Overall, the report raises the question: What are the criminal penalties for lying about a president’s health, especially one whose cognitive decline is noticed by every American not named Hannity?
Meanwhile, the healthiest president in history paid his third recent visit to Walter Reed hospital. Rumors are all over the place with this one, but one thing most medical experts agree on is that presidents don’t go to Walter Reed for checkups. Something serious is going on, and Dr. Barbabella will face a day of reckoning for hiding it.
Cornyn strikes back with a tale about scorpions
Republican Senator John Cornyn, who was defeated in the Texas U.S. Senate primary by an insufferable, corrupt Texas Taliban criminal named Ken Paxton,5 shot back at the grifter in chief for endorsing Paxton by telling a folk tale.6
As reported by Heather Cox Richardson, Cornyn posted this:
“A scorpion wants to cross a river but cannot swim, so it asks a frog to carry it across.
The frog hesitates, afraid that the scorpion might sting it, but the scorpion promises not to, pointing out that it would drown if it killed the frog in the middle of the river.
The frog considers this argument sensible and agrees to transport the scorpion.
Midway across the river, the scorpion stings the frog anyway, dooming them both.
The dying frog asks the scorpion why it stung despite knowing the consequence, to which the scorpion replies: ‘I am sorry, but I couldn’t help myself. It’s my character.’”
I’m excited about the next phase in their relationship.
According to Ms. Richardson, there now appears to be six Republican senators willing to not abide by every foul move he makes. I want to believe this, but I’ll believe it when I see it. We don’t yet know the true source of their cowardice.
Celebrating 250 years with a Trump $250 bill
Treasury Secretary Scott Bessent took another break from restaurant fighting by proudly displaying a new $250 bill with the serial rapist’s mugshot at a news conference. This kind of thing requires Congressional approval, but, as usual, that appears to be a hurdle the regime isn’t interested in.
However, a federal court has blocked the effort anyway, since it’s illegal to put the image of a current president on U.S. currency.
This set off the toddler-in-chief on an epic tantrum on True Sociopath, his private social media site.
Maybe Bessent can get Peter Thiel to print some $250 bills on a private currency printer and hope Americans don’t collect them with the express intent to burn them. I know plenty of people who’d spend $250 to burn Cankles in effigy, especially if he deposited his mugshot on U.S. currency.
Peter Thiel moves to Argentina
Speaking of. He’s moving to Argentina. Or so he is promising us. A guy like that doesn’t really “move” anywhere like you and I might. When we move, we hire movers and swear a lot. Someone like Thiel buys massive properties in foreign countries and calls the place home for a few months.
That’s what he’s done now that he’s discovered the joys of hanging out with Argentine President Javier Milei, a libertarian who views the state as the ultimate “enemy,” considers government a criminal organization, and who proposed a “chainsaw plan” (sound familiar?) to eliminate the Central Bank and government agencies, including entire ministries for education, health, and women’s affairs.
So, of course, Thiel moved his family there. At least until he gets bored.
We can hope he stays there, but the chances aren’t great, despite his conviction that the U.S. is on the verge of some kind of collapse and somehow doesn’t think that collapse, were it to happen, isn’t his fault and the fault of the moron he helped put into power.
Judge throws out Kennedy Center name change
Remember when President Misfit added his name to the Kennedy Center and triggered such an exodus of performers that he decided to shut the place down for two years under the excuse that it would be another one of his construction projects?
Well, Judge Christopher Cooper of the U.S. District Court for the District of Columbia said this week, “WTF, simpleton? Only an act of Congress can change the name.” The judge also ordered him to reopen the damn thing, even though he’ll be lucky to get a bigger audience than JD Vance and his Frankenstein-bride-to-be, Erika Kirk, to attend.
Kenya says no to US Ebola victims
The regime’s plan to punish Americans who contracted Ebola in Africa by sending them to a quarantined location in Kenya was shot down by a Kenyan court, citing obvious health concerns.7
It’s fitting that the regime would want to punish these people, since they’re likely people who are in Africa to help other people. If President Cankles could put the entirety of the Doctors Without Borders group in a room to gas them, he probably would.
No word yet on the next country the regime will try. Presumably, Susie Wiles will use her AI machine using the prompt, “Name the most dysfunctional nation on the planet, preferably one without a functioning judicial system.”
Ozempic is changing the brain
What’s left of the Washington Post is reporting that Ozempic, the wildly popular weight loss drug, appears to change the salient network of the brain. The salient network governs such things as decision making and the interpretation of outside stimuli.8
An assistant university professor who made the discovery, Allison Shapiro of the University of Colorado Anschutz, was engaged in a different study when she discovered that the drug was making extensive changes to the brain:
“We didn’t expect to see this effect, and we really don’t know what it means,” Shapiro said.
So the next time someone surprises you by coming at you with a meat cleaver after years of mellow behavior, ask yourself if they’ve lost some noticeable weight over the last year.
“We stole Iran’s Crypto!”
Speaking of someone I can imagine coming at you with a meat cleaver…
…Treasury Secretary Scott Bessent, who is known to enjoy fighting in Georgetown restaurants with other members of the regime, took a moment out of his busy day of picking fights to show an audience at the Reagan National Economic Forum the side of the hand he uses when one of them tries to challenge the Trump regime’s absolute abandonment of Reaganism.
“Just a forceful palm slap, as opposed to a backhanded slap,” he said.
I may have made that up, but he did crow during the forum about the Trump regime stealing cryptocurrency from the Iranian regime. “Just outright grabbed the wallets,” he boasted like the small child he is. Oh, and guess what???!!! “Some of them may be typing in right now and might not realize their wallet had been grabbed.”9
Oh, you clever devil, you.
Meanwhile, the phone alert watch continues, as we wait for that one final medical report we all yearn for.
Have a great weekend!
Notes
Please forgive any typos, etc. I’m dealing with a lot of eye strain today. On an unrelated note, I intend to reward myself with ice cream later today.
I’ll leave you with this video of RFK Jr playing with Republican interns, via Jeff Tiedrich:
Footnotes
Parnas, Aaron. “Major Epstein Update as Bondi Throws Patel Under the Bus and Shifts Blame Onto Blanche--I Have the Inside Scoop and More Big News.” Substack.com. The Parnas Perspective, May 29, 2026. https://aaronparnas.substack.com/p/major-epstein-update-as-bondi-throws.
The White House released this official report:
Page One:
Page Two:
Page Three:
Ralph, Olivia. “White House Finally Releases Trump’s Medical Report—With Major Omissions.” The Daily Beast, May 30, 2026. https://www.thedailybeast.com/white-house-finally-releases-donald-trumps-medical-reportwith-major-omissions/
Prediction for you Polymarket enthusiasts: The first movie about Cankles after he enters the big chronic venous insufficiency in the sky will be a body horror movie.
Richardson, Heather Cox. “May 29, 2026.” Substack.com. Letters from an American, May 30, 2026. https://heathercoxrichardson.substack.com/p/may-29-2026
Humphrey Malalo. “Kenyan Court Orders Suspension of US Plan for Ebola Quarantine Facility.” Reuters, May 29, 2026. https://www.reuters.com/business/healthcare-pharmaceuticals/kenyan-high-court-suspends-plan-us-ebola-quarantine-facility-kenya-2026-05-29/.
Cha, Ariana Eunjung. “Ozempic May Be Reshaping the Brain, Scientists Say.” The Washington Post, May 28, 2026. https://www.washingtonpost.com/health/2026/05/28/ozempic-may-be-reshaping-brain-scientists-say/ (paywall).
I don’t have a subscription. I received the news from one of their newsletters, and this is their link to the story.
Haberman, Maggie, Jonathan Swan, Tyler Pager, David E Sanger, Hari Raj, Ward, Euan Ward, et al. “Iran War Live Updates: U.S. Says It Is Close to Agreement But Still No Word From Trump.” The New York Times, May 29, 2026. https://www.nytimes.com/live/2026/05/29/world/iran-war-us-trump-deal.
I’m glad you recovered, Charles. Getting old is not for the faint of heart and the older I get the more I believe that youth is wasted on the young. Agree about RFK Jr. that he needs this like another hole in the head.