Trigger warnings: Satire! Raw subject matter, and real “poetry” by RFK Jr that will leave your jaw on the floor and your gag reflexes in overdrive.
Ruminato, in yet another exclusive, has learned that the befuddled MRI patient in the White House Oval Office is planning to launch an online bookstore called Trumpazon.
We’re learning from sources close to him (specifically, his McDonald’s DoorDash driver) that the store will at first feature books written by his regime’s Cabinet officials and other people who have a vested interest in keeping him upright a little longer.
The excerpt is a collection of book listings.
You can only find this kind of content on Ruminato.
Luckily.
What follows is an excerpt from the online catalog, written by the Grifter-in-Chief himself (with some help, I’m sure).
Trumpazon Book Listings
Welcome to the greatest bookstore in the world. Soon, everyone will come here, to Trumpazon, so Bezos better hope his Blue Origin rockets don’t blow up all to hell because if they do, he’ll be looking for work in one of our warehouses.
Thank you for showing interest in our debut collection! Buy them all!
RFK Jr.
The Collected Love Poems of RFK Jr
This 600-page collection will delight the whole family with the beautiful words of RFK Jr., whom I have just recently named America’s Poet Laureate. This removes our current fake Poet Laureate, Arthur Sze, who was appointed by the Librarian of Congress, a DEI loser if I ever saw one.
This collection includes RFK Jr’s famous poem, “Squeezy Squeaky Cheeks,” in its previous unpublished entirety. For those of you not lucky enough to have read this beautiful poetry, here is an excerpt:1
“I mean to squeeze your cheeks to force open your mouth... I am a river. You are my canyon. I mean to flow through you. I mean to subdue and tame you. My Love,”
I’ve asked my poetry expert if that comma is supposed to be there, but she only speaks Slovene fluently, so she wasn’t able to answer me other than saying, “I don’t care, do you?”
I’m sure you’re going to love this poetry collection. You’ll love it more in a special edition gold-plated “Trump!” binding, complete with the words, “I love Trump!”
Juan Orlando Hernández
The Snows of Honduras
My new poet laureate, RFK Jr., tells me that this beautiful travelogue of the great nation of Honduras is full of metaphor. Juan should know metaphors by now. He’s had lots of time to learn about them in prison. As the former president of Honduras, he’s a man who understands snow. He built the greatest business empire in Central American history, and now he’s telling his incredible and terrific story.
Juan takes you through the streets of TaligulusCaligulaCigalpa, the capital of Honduras, as he describes how he created 400 tons of beautiful snow almost out of nothing and gave it all to the United States with some big, beautiful transactions, but was punished for it by the corrupt Biden administration.
I’ve released him from custody, and he has written a great American tribute to Honduras.
Before Hernández came along, nobody even knew it was possible to distribute 400 tons of snow. What an amazing accomplishment. And now, you’ll get to find out how he did it.
This must-have book should be in everyone’s stocking this Christmas. Let’s celebrate the great beauty of snow as we make America great again!
Pete Hegseth
Snuff Films for Dummies
Killing fishermen and women on the high seas doesn’t need to be a secret any longer. In this step-by-step and easy-to-understand tutorial, Department of War Crimes Pete Kegsbreath guides you through the process of attacking defenseless boats when they least expect it so that you can do your part in preventing drug dealers and other criminals from entering the United States.
Pete then teaches you the tricks for creating snuff films you can distribute to the great social networks of our day, like 4Chan, Gab, and Truth Social. As a special bonus, Truth Social now happily accepts these filmed treasures for a small fee of 20 million in $TRUMP coin.
You can help make America great again by learning from the masters! Great job, Pete!
Kristi Noem
Lassie Come Home (So I Can Kill You)
In this endearing children’s novel of revenge and spite, updated for a new and great America, young Timmy tries to teach his loyal pooch, Lassie, new tricks, such as biting the ankles of loser postal carriers. But Timmy is forced to impose drastic disciplinary measures when he catches Lassie licking the blood off of one of Timmy’s parents’ murder victims.
Lassie, a cowardly dog unable to bear sustained disciplinary shock treatments, flees the household. In this novel of suspense and thrills, Lassie is pursued by helicopters and finally meets her deserved ending in an Iowa cornfield.
Mehmet Oz
How I Got Younger by Just Thinking About It
This marvelous book captures the essence of the most amazing presidential administration the world has ever seen. Dr. Oz walks our great senior citizens through the process of freeing themselves from the chains of the communism created by their dependence on Medicare.
This step-by-step approach teaches mind over matter and will actually help you not just feel younger, but be younger. Free yourself from vaccines and other medications!
Soon, Medicare will be a forgotten legacy of the Biden Administration. And the people who have forced it on senior citizens will be in jail!
Thank you, Dr. Oz!!!!
Kash Patel
My Sweet Obsession
This book is so fantastic, I don’t have words. Also, thank you, Jeff Bezos, for giving America audiobooks, because I wouldn’t have read any of these without the help of my amazing audiobook readers. Here at Trumpazon, we have the best audiobook readers you’ll ever find anywhere. Bezos asked me, “Where do you get those audiobook readers?” I told him he’d find out when the Epstein files get released. But trust me, those voices are sexy for a reason. My chief of staff said to me just the other day, “Boss, those voices are sultry, smoky, and enough to get me to…” Well, I stopped her there. She gets a little too excited sometimes, even though she doesn’t look it. But she’s really great. A great chief of staff. I couldn’t ask for a better one.
But hey, it’s all worth it. All such great and amazing things happening all around us. Kash’s book will appeal to a wide audience because not only is he morbidly obsessed with his fancy country girlfriend, but he’s ready to tell you all about that. But it gets better, America! He has included a two-hundred-page chapter on how to stalk without anyone noticing. You won’t want to miss it!
Well, that’s it for now. Thank you, Susie Wiles, for helping me write this.
We have a lot more books in the pipeline, including one from me that I’m still working on called “Drawing Giraffes and Clocks for Dummies.” I don’t know if that means I’m supposed to teach you how to draw giraffes and clocks so that dummies will like it, or what. I’ll have to ask Susie, who assigns me all my work.
Goodbye for now, America, and thank you for your attention to this matter.
Notes
Sometimes, when researching stuff (yes, I even researched for this silliness), one can find interesting nuggets when falling into maga rabbit holes. In this case, I found a still-living National Institutes of Health (NIH) document titled, “What’s Wrong With Dr. Oz?”2
Dr. Oz, as you may or may not know (I forget plenty of the awfulness, which I believe is a process my body does for protective reasons), was Trump’s pick, confirmed by the U.S. Senate, to become the Administrator for the Centers for Medicare and Medicaid Services.
So it’s kind of fun to see the NIH ripping on him by cleverly reproducing an article from another source. The NIH, as you also may know, has endured large funding cuts3 4 at the hands of Russell Vought and his fellow Project 2025 lunatics who are now in charge of government budget operations.
There are a lot of fun, subversive postings littered throughout government agency websites. So far, Susie Wiles’ AI machines have not discovered them all so that they can stamp them out.
Image credits
RFK Jr book: Image of RFK Jr: Democratizemedia, CC0, via Wikimedia Commons; Main book image licensed from Adobe Stock; image smashup/book design by author.
Hernández book: Images of cocaine pile and guns licensed from Adobe Stock; image smashup/book design by author.
Hegseth book: Dummies template by comic-master at Deviant Art; Image smashup by author;
Kristi Noem book: Images of Lassie and helicopters licensed from Adobe Stock; image smashup/book design by author.
Dr. Oz book: image of Oz public domain via NIH; image smashup/book design by author.
Kash Patel book: Image of Kash Patel public domain; Image of Alexis Wilkins from Facebook page; image smashup/book design by author.
Thanks for reading!
Footnotes
Sadly, the “poetry” is real.
Dell, Steven J. 2015. “What’s Wrong with Dr. Oz? Oscar Zoroaster Phadrig Isaac Norman Henkle Emmannuel Ambroise Diggs IS the Wizard of Oz.” Missouri Medicine 112 (5): 332. https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC6167233/.
Bastille, Charles. 2025. “American Apocalypse: The Trump Regime’s Destruction of American Healthcare.” Ruminato.com. Ruminato. August 21, 2025. https://www.ruminato.com/i/171559599/national-institutes-of-health-nih.
I enjoyed reading this BIGLY! THANK YOU FOR BRINGING MY ATTENTION TO THIS MATTER.
Department of War Crimes, hahaha. Wish I’d thought of that. So true