[Satire] Here’s the Original Draft Meta Layoff Email to Employees
Zuckerberg wanted a more "honest" approach, according to our crack investigative team
Mark Zuckerberg’s Meta yesterday began emailing 10% of its employees that they were fired, thus officially joining the ranks of early AI casualties.
Ruminato has obtained an exclusive look at a draft version of the email before it was sent to employees. The draft version features Mark Zuckerberg’s notes in
callouts like this
and with suggested edits via callouts, strikethroughs, and italics. Word is, he wanted a more honest approach. Good for him, I say!
Frantic human resources staffers scrambled to release the email without Zuck’s proposed changes.
Trigger warnings:
A bit of raw language, mention of suicide.
Satire: The “draft” version of the email is fake. The real version and the fact that Meta fired 10% of its staff is quite real.
Also, if you’ve been laid off by a big tech firm, this may bring really bad vibes.
I went through several rounds of layoffs with several big tech companies, so I feel your pain. One of them told everyone they had twenty minutes to leave. That was fun. I was freelancing for them, so I hung around a bit longer, but I had to absorb such a big workload that I found a new gig a week or so later.
This was also back in the day when you could find a new job in tech if you could walk a few paces without falling.
The only other time I was affected by “layoffs” (firings), they offered voluntary layoffs, which I snagged because the severance package was irresistible.
The original draft email
Dear _____
As previously shared, we have decided to reduce headcount as part of our continued effort to run the company more efficiently and to allow us to offset the other investments we’re making.
Unfortunately, your role has been eliminated as part of today’s reorganization.
Rewrite to this:
Time to see what you’re made of. We have decided to cut off the lifeblood of your family’s support system as part of our continued effort to invest in more AI slop and to allow us to offset the cost of replacing every last one of you dirtbags with AI.
Unfortunately, as my new friend and business mentor Donald Trump would say, “You’re fired.”
~ mz
Before sharing additional details, we want to thank you for all you’ve contributed to Meta. We appreciate the important role you’ve played in the company’s journey.
Why are we thanking them if they aren’t good enough to keep? Also, the important role they’ve played in the company’s journey? I’m the only role that matters in my company’s journey, you worthless automatons.
~ mz
We understand you will have questions as you process this news.
What’s to process? They suck, they’re fired. End of story. They will be food for the next generation of AI robots anyway. Might want to start helping these poor slobs get used to the idea.
~ mz
Please read below to learn more.
Oh, FFS
~ mz
We also encourage you to view the Alumni Portal (Meta.com/alumni), which you can access within an hour of losing system access and has additional information and resources to assist you. More information about the Alumni Portal is below.
Can’t we create a “Loser Portal” separate from the Alumni Portal? I consider the Alumni Portal to be something used by those few employees who have left in good standing.
I suppose you dumbasses are still letting the Winklevoss brothers into this damn portal.
Fix this.
FFS.
~ mz
Non-working notice period
From today through [redacted] (your “Termination Date”), you are in a “non-working notice period.” During this time, your internal access will be removed and you do not need to do any additional work for Meta.
Rewrite the second sentence:
We’re locking you the fuck out, and any attempt to do any further work on Meta’s behalf will lead to your arrest.
~ mz
You will continue to accrue PTO until your Termination Date, and your remaining PTO will be paid out in your final paycheck at the end of this period. During the notice period, you will be paid “Notice Pay,” which you will see on your payslips and is the same amount as your salary.
What’s the point of paid time off for employees who no longer work with us? Please clarify.
~ mz
Leave of absence (if applicable): Your employment will end on your Termination Date that was communicated to you. Any leaves of absence will end on your Termination Date. Please note that to the extent applicable, you may still continue to receive disability benefits after your separation date if your disability meets the disability plan requirements.
My add:
But, we’d prefer you just die. Consider using our new AI models to achieve this in a way that won’t embarrass you or your family.
Also, doesn’t the government provide disability through the Social Security Admin? This looks like overkill to me.
~ mz
Your benefits and compensation will continue through your Termination Date.
Let’s take a look at the legal ramifications of making some adjustments to the compensation package of everyone in the company who has not been terminated.
~ mz
You will continue to receive your full salary and benefits through your Termination Date, as well as any RSU grants that have vested on or before your Termination Date as provided in the Equity Incentive Plan.
Let’s review this. Please ask the legal team to reevaluate the structure of our restricted stock units vis-à-vis terminated employees. In other words, get rid of them.
~ mz
To support you in your job search, you will also have access to three complimentary months of external job search assistance through Lee Hecht Harrison (”LHH”), as further detailed in the enclosed LHH Outplacement Services flyer.1
I just spoke with John Morgan on the phone, and he’s indicated to me that this outplacement service will be restricted to an AI-based resume blast using one Meta profile template that will accurately represent every employee who has been fired. So we’re good to go here. It’s just a matter of the employee figuring out how to insert their name into the template, which admittedly might be problematic for some.
~ mz
Severance details
Attached is a non-signable version of a Separation Agreement with full details of your individual package (do not sign this version).
Not sure I understand the point of a “separation agreement.” I realize I say this every time we fire a bunch of these dumb asses, so at the risk of repeating myself, what’s the point here? They’re gone. Fired. End of story. What do you want from these morons? To nod their heads happily while they’re crying in their chardonnay? Which, btw, comes courtesy of our overly generous severance package.
~ mz
A signable Separation Agreement will be sent to your personal email address from [redacted] later today with full details of your individual package. You must sign your Separation Agreement to receive your severance payout.
Be sure to include a clause in the Separation Agreement requiring them to invest all their severance funds in $Trump crypto. No need to tell them that Don gets a small cut. Please contact legal for wording.
~ mz
If you do not receive an electronic signable Separation Agreement by the end of the day tomorrow on your personal email, please check your spam folder. If you still haven’t received the agreement, please submit a case via the Alumni Loser Portal.
(Note: If you apply for and accept a different position at Meta no later than one week prior to your Termination Date, you will remain a Meta employee and therefore this Separation Agreement will be void and you would not be eligible for severance under the terms of the Severance Plan.)
Fire any hiring manager who tries to hire one of these losers.
~ mz
As a Regular Employee (FTE), you’re eligible for the following severance offer:
Severance payment of 16 weeks plus two weeks for every year of completed services, minus your notice period. Please see the cover sheet of the attached Separation Agreement for more details on this calculation.
Payment of COBRA (health insurance) premiums for you and your family (if they are dependents on your current plan) for 18 months.
This is far too generous. Whoever came up with this, I invite them to a cage match. Also, you’re fired.
~ mz
Immigration (if applicable)
We know this is especially difficult for those whose visa and work authorization is sponsored by Meta.
I guess it would be bad form to simply give them a number to call so they can turn themselves in to ICE?
~ mz
The Alumni Portal has general immigration guidance to help address your immediate questions. The guidance also contains the contact information for your assigned law firm.
Like a law firm is gonna help, Lolz!
~ mz
You can also open a case via the Alumni Portal if you have specific questions about your case.
Please make sure I am cc’d on any of these, so I can forward them to Stephen Miller’s new Meta Immigrant Acquisitions Department in the White House. He’s been kind enough to set up a group at DHS dedicated solely to ex-Meta employees.
~ mz
System access and office information
Since you have entered a paid non-working notice period, your badge has been deactivated and your access to internal Meta systems will be removed this morning.
This is where it could get fun. Please have security do a sweep of all the cams in the office to make sure they are functioning properly. If we’re particularly lucky, we’ll get a police action from DHS and a snuff film out of the deal that I can send to Elon, who enjoys that kind of stuff.
~ mz
If you are already in the office, we ask that you please gather any personal items at your desk and head home. If you have personal items that need to be retrieved, instructions are available on the Alumni Portal.
Please include a warning that shoot to kill orders are in effect. Word it however you want. Also, don’t let them bring home any plants.
~ mz
Getting more information
We know this is a lot to process, so we’ve compiled resources about pay, benefits and other considerations for you in the Alumni Loser Portal. You can access the Alumni Loser Portal within an hour of losing system access today as mentioned above. You will need your employee ID, which is provided at the top of this email, to access the site.
The more I think about this, the more I think access to any Meta systems is unnecessary. This is all a good character building exercise. The best of them, if there is such a thing in this case, will meet the moment.
~ mz
Finally, we want to say again that we’re grateful for your contributions. Your impact at Meta has been an important part of our story.
Reword:
Finally, please exit post-haste. Your part of the story, such as it was, is over.
~ mz
Sincerely Good luck, sucker
Meta Leadership
Please add a PS that even though I’m a feared cage fighter, I do have personal bodyguards.
~ mz
Notes
The original Meta Layoff statement can be found here, via Business Insider:
https://www.businessinsider.com/read-meta-layoff-email-employees-2026-5 (paywall)
In the Good News Department
In a separate matter, in Chicago, Block Club is reporting:
Charges Against Broadview Protesters Dropped After Feds Admit To Grand Jury ‘Errors’
The Broadview protesters are Chicago area protesters fighting ICE who were arrested by ICE stormtroopers during the ICE siege of Chicago. More here:
https://blockclubchicago.org/2026/05/21/trial-date-for-broadview-protesters-vacated-just-days-ahead-of-expected-start/ (free, no paywall)
This story was getting interesting already, but I refrained from writing about it because it was developing and changing so quickly. This news just came in as I finished this silly but also important commentary on our current condition.
Thanks for reading!
Footnotes
I’ll be honest here. I have a soft spot for one of the legacy companies LLH is derived from, a freelance outplacement firm called Paladin, which placed me in a couple of cool graphic design jobs back before most of Meta’s employees were born.