[Satire] Paramount Skydance to Reboot "The Chosen"
Newly Trumpified movie studio to take over all rights to the original
In a move that surprises no one, Trump movie studio hack David Ellison today announced that Paramount Skydance has sued the makers of the crowdfunded hit TV show about Jesus Christ, “The Chosen,” to obtain full rights to the TV show’s content and reboot the wildly successful Christian franchise.
The reboot will be written and directed by Taylor Sheridan, who called me yesterday to tell me his plans to make it grittier and more realistic: “Think Jesus with F bombs.”
The first season of “The Chosen,” a popular dramatization about the life of Jesus and his apostles, was crowdfunded entirely by voluntary donations from the public. As the show gained popularity, its ending credits became longer because they include the names of all of the show’s donors.
The original show, developed by Dallas Jenkins, is revered in Christian circles for its portrayal of apostolic life and the portrayal of Jesus by actor Jonathan Roumie. It has been viewed by an estimated 280 million people.
Ellison says that the world has changed, and so will the show.
“We have been blessed by a new God,” he said in a statement.
Alleged President Donald Trump congratulated Ellison in a Truth Social post, saying, “The first thing we’ll be doing is removing all the names of the losers who donated to the creation of this show from the show’s ending credits. That part of the show was a disgrace. We’ll replace that sickening part of the show with my many accomplishments from over the last year.
“MAKE GOD GREAT AGAIN! MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN!!!!!! Thank you for your attention to this matter.”
Ruminato’s crack team of investigative journalists has obtained exclusive first looks at one of the graphics that will be used for the reboot (at the top of this post).
We are also the only publication to have received a sneak peek at part of the script for the season premiere, which a Skydance spokesperson told me they hope to release before the end of the world.
Ready? I didn’t think so. But here it is, anyway:
The Script
TrumpJesus to be played by himself
EXT. A dusty trail somewhere in Texas.
TRUMPJESUS encounters a leper.
TRUMPJESUS: How did this happen to you, my son?
LEPER: No healthcare, amigo.
TRUMPJESUS: What kind of loser has no healthcare? Where the hell is Stephen Miller? Stephen!!! Send this dirtbag across the border!
STEPHEN MILLER: At once, your Lordship.
Twenty armored vehicles appear, then screech to a halt. A cloud of dust billows in front of everyone. GREG BOVINO pops out of one of the vehicles and directs thirty heavily armed border agents to carry the man across the border.
Agent: We have to carry him, sir? We have vehicles.
Bovino: You need the exercise. Now, git!
TRUMPJESUS (looking at STEPHEN MILLER): I thought I fired him.
TRUMPJESUS (punching numbers into his phone): Leo. That you? Yeah, you loser, who did you think it was? Listen, there’s been a regime change in heaven. You’re out as Pope. If you don’t leave the Vatican this instant, I’ll blockade the Vatican and send in my special forces. We are on a mission from God to make the Vatican great again.
Waits A beat.
TRUMPJESUS: Whaddya mean you aren’t afraid of me?
Waits a beat.
TRUMPJESUS: Also, we are rethinking this whole laying on of hands thing. We think the phrase should be used literally. So that’s the new policy. How’s the woman supply there in the Vat? Listen, I have some ideas about nuns. Better clothes, Leo, better clothes. Are you familiar with garter belts? How about thongs? You like thongs, right Leo? Everybody likes thongs. Except maybe the people who wear them. How does anyone wear those things? Miller here, he sticks his fingers in… never mind, Leo, TMI, I think. Anyway, I don’t like foreign objects in my bumski. Get it?
TRUMPJESUS (continuing): We need to discuss the rest of Italy, too. Probably needs regime change. I’ll send in some A-10s and fighter jets and see what we can do, okay? Tell the kids, no school tomorrow! Why do these losers attend school when we are about to launch an amazing air attack? Terrific shows. Have you seen any of our air shows? Hold on, I’ll send you a vid.
TRUMPJESUS (tapping his phone): Did you get it? Incredible, isn’t it? Look at that fireball! Have you ever seen anything like it? What do you mean by that? I’m not the anti-Christ, you weakling. I’m the real deal. Ask anyone. Hold on.
TRUMPJESUS (points phone at STEPHEN MILLER): Stephen, you’ve been with me all these years. Am I the real deal, Stephen?
STEPHEN MILLER hisses and nods.
TRUMPJESUS: See, you heathen? I’m the real deal. Heavenly regime change. We’re making Heaven great again, Leo. Listen, Leo. I like you. I think your journey from Chicago has been terrific. Hard not to like a man who wants to get out of that shithole bad enough he’ll run for the Pope office to do it. Great job there, too. I should borrow some of your election people for when I run again in 2028. It will be a beautiful thing, Leo. How many times have people been able to vote for God as president, Leo? I know you can answer that question. Wait, hold on. Hegseth is here.
PETE HEGSETH appears in the scene, stumbling out of a black van covered with crucifixes. He takes his shirt off and tries to start doing pushups, but collapses into a pool of his own vomit.
TRUMPJESUS: Never mind, Leo, he’s working on something. Anyway, good chat. Find me a good room there, will you? Melania and I will be spending a few nights there soon. I think I’ll put her in charge of nun fashion. What? No, no, she doesn’t hate me. Where did you get that idea? Listen to me, Leo, we are going to pardon everybody. Very soon. We’re looking into it. Bondi, Miller, Bovino, even Kristi, rest her soul. What? No, no, we haven’t shot her yet. Yes, Leo, I agree, that was very funny what her husband did. He’s a hoot.
TRUMPJESUS (after a beat): Wait, what? Oh, the Iran thing. It’s going fine, Leo, stop meddling. We are all making a lot of money. When I rebuild St. Peter’s Basila, you’ll see. I’ll put a lot of the money I made in Iran into redoing that church. Basila is a very Italian name. Great name for a church.
TRUMPJESUS (continuing): My own money, Leo. I’ll use my own money to rebuild it in my image. We need to make that church right, Leo. What? Basilica, you say? St. Peter’s Basilica? Oh, right, yes, that one, too, Leo. We’re going to rebuild it. It’s going to be terrific. Nobody will believe how great it is. We’ll make Vatican tourism great again. Do you need an arch? You probably need an arch somewhere.
TRUMPJESUS (continuing): But first we need to replace you, Leo. You’re not good for the country. We can’t have all these immigrants.
SFX. The leper curses until a volley of bullets dominates the background.
TRUMPJESUS (after waiting a beat): Where did you get that idea? Melania was never an immigrant. I got her from the Epstein list… I mean, Don’t worry about it, Leo, it’s all taken care of. We’re going to fix your little nun problem, okay, Leo? It’s a terrible situation they are in. I’ll put Melania in charge of nun social life. They’ll be very, very happy with the changes. And the new uniforms. What do you think?
TRUMPJESUS (after waiting a beat): Leo, did you just say, “Fuck you?”
Notes
I’m old enough to remember Bob Newhart’s phone bits. I wish he was still around to do something like this.
For one of my more serious assessments of Christianity, take a look at this article I wrote in August 2025:
Thanks for reading!
Great job 👏. Just one problem. It seems to have become almost impossible to do satire about Trump. The man has become his own joke, although it’s not the kind of joke that makes people laugh. It just makes them very uneasy.
If he survives until the midterms, they have to get him to a rubber room. He’s beyond insane.
You’re right, some people would read this and believe it to be true.