[Satire] Ruminato Interviews Trump on the Way to China

The greatest interview in history

In a stunning attack of bad luck, I was contacted by Trump himself for a personal interview on the eve of his trip to China, which he derisively calls “ChYna” because he respects nobody.

He was joined by Susie Wiles and a small team of stormtroopers in my very cozy attic apartment in Atlanta.

Unfortunately, there is no video of the interview, because I don’t have enough paid subscribers to pay for someone to hold the phone while we chat.

The transcript follows. Grab yourself a gallon or so of 90+ proof liquid comfort, and have a gander.

Q: Thanks for stopping by. I hope you don’t mind all the electric fans in the room. I’m told you stink like the dickens.

Well, Charles, you’re a loser, but Susie here tells me I need to see how the other half lives sometimes.

(Susie Wiles nods her head, lights a cigar)

Screen grab of Susie Wiles from the interwebs

Q: Let’s start with this: What are your goals for the China summit?

Well, the goalposts keep moving because President Xi keeps moving them. He’s a very smart man, knows the goalposts, knows how to move them very expertly. So we need to be ready for that. Very ready. And we will be because this will be the greatest world meeting between two leaders in world history.

Very historic. I expect the stock market to do very well. Even better than during Operation Epstein Fury, which has had a tremendous impact on the stock market.

(Susie Wiles rolls eyes, blows out a cloud of smoke)

Q. What about Chinese threats regarding Taiwan?

Well, that’s very simple. When I talk to President Xi, I’ll have a very simple ask. Or suggestion. Is it a suggestion? I don’t know. That’s what everyone tells me. That it’s a suggestion. Here’s what I’m going to propose. I’m going to suggest to the President, who I am on very good terms with, very friendly terms, that Taiwan become the 51st state.

Q. I thought Venezuela was the 51st state

Well, whichever country is lucky enough to be the first 51st state will be. And then other countries, like Canada. And Greenland, which is already part of the United States. They’ll be number 52. And so on. Our flag makers will be very busy. Everyone tells me that I’m the best thing to ever happen to the flag-making industry. Many great flags. Fantastic flags, new ones, new stars. It’s like nothing you’ve ever seen.

Q. Dude. Stay focused. Taiwan

Well, Taiwan has much more in common with the United States than it does with ChYna. Taiwan has many microprocessors. It’s the land of microprocessors, I’m told. It has so many microprocessors you wouldn’t believe it. But they all come from the United States.

These amazing microchips come from places like Texas, which is a very good state, a very big state. Almost as big as ChYna. And it’s tremendous because Texas is the first Christian government. So we like that and we need more of that. And we send our best people from Texas to Taiwan to show them how to create these big, beautiful microprocessors. It’s incredible, really. Lots of skill involved. You wouldn’t believe it.

People come from all over just to look at these amazing things. Prefabbed, I think. Then the people in Taiwan, they fix them up a little and send them back to us. So we want to take these big amazing microchip factories in Taiwan and maybe, I dunno…

…Can we put them on big container ships? Susie? Can we do that? And just bring them to the United States.

(Suzie Wiles is unresponsive as she sits in her chair with a cigar in her mouth sharpening a large kitchen knife — I have no idea where she got that thing)

Q. They’ll send the entire factory to the U.S.?

That’s right. Very exciting. On container ships. You put the microchip factories on container ships, send them all to the United States. Tariff-free. I’ll let President Xi know we can do this one thing without any tariffs at all.

These big beautiful container ships won’t have to go through the Strait of Hormuz because, as I understand it, they can cross the Pacific Ocean directly from Taiwan. And I think we can do that and solve so many problems that way.

You know, in ChYna, they have these very big, very large, very strong bulldozers and earth movers. And maybe they can help us with that if we lower tariffs just a little for them. We can make a deal I think for that.

Image licensed from Adobe Stock

Q. Monday night and early Tuesday morning, you posted on True Sociopath fifty-five times. This included a graphic of Venezuela as the 51st state. Two questions. When do you sleep? And what the hell is wrong with you?

Everyone tells me that I am like a comic superbook hero. I don’t know anything about that. I’ve never read a comic. Susie, what do you think?

(Susie Wiles continues to look down as she sharpens the large knife in her hand)

So I think that must be it. Just a tremendous amount of power in these hands (raises two tiny bruised hands with skin falling off). And in here (points to orange head). When you’re the most powerful person on earth, you can stay up late giving the truth out. If I don’t do that, the fake media will make up all their lies about me and that’s all anyone will hear. Trump did this, Trump did that. It’s a travesty. Even Fox News has started lying about the economy.

Which is growing tremendously, as you know. It’s the most powerful economy in history.

(Susie Wiles spits her cigar out of her mouth after a sudden laugh)

Q. Yesterday, you told reporters that the economy doesn’t matter and that the only thing that matters is Iran not getting nukes. Dare I ask you to expand on that?

Only losers worry about the economy, Carl. We can’t make America great again if everyone is whining about gas prices. Man up, fill the tank, go to work, come home, and quit complaining. That’s how you make America great again.

I have this great, big pulpit in the sky, given to me by God himself, and I can use this to encourage people, don’t you think? I’m a great motivator. Did you see me on The Apprentice? So many amazing people there. They got that way because I am very motivating. It’s amazing what people will do to avoid being fired. Just ask Dan Craine.

Q. Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff Dan Caine? The guy who’s bombing Iran?

That’s what I said. Dan Craine. Tremendous guy. Great military mind. One of the best ever, almost as good as me. I was in the war room just the other day, and that’s what everyone said to me. We all sat in a big circle at this tremendous, big, beautiful oval conference table. It was a conference table, right, Susie?

And we went one by one. Each armed services person. And we went one by one, and they all told me the same thing. “Sir, you are the greatest military mind in history. What you’re doing in Iran is mind-boggling.” That’s what they all said. Mind-boggling. What a great word. It says so much. It’s historic. What is happening in Iran. That’s historic. The Strait of Hormuz. Never been so important. Everyone knows about it now.

This is how we teach geography to kids, don’t you think, Susie?

(Susie Wiles glares at him, returns to sharpening the knife)

Nobody heard of the Strait of Hormuz until I came along. Now everyone knows all about it. People tell me all the time whenever they call me. They say, “We knew nothing about this vital waterway until you got it closed down. Thank you,” they say. “Thank you”

And all I can do is just say, “You’re welcome.” I’m here to be served. That’s very much what I’m about. Can you order a Doordash, Chad?

(At this point of the interview, an aide slides over and wipes his mouth with a hanky)

But we’re opening it up again. President Xi is asking us to open it up again, so we will. We may need to bomb Iran’s bridges and oil refineries to get that done. I’ll talk to President Xi about that. I think he’ll agree that’s probably necessary.

We’ll work that a little smarter this time. Maybe drop leaflets on top of school buildings to warn the kids. What do you think, Susie?

(Susie Wiles shrugs)

The Europeans are a problem. The Canadians are a problem. We might need to bomb their infrastructure, too, just to get them to do the right thing. They need to help us open the great Strait of Hormuz.

It’s such a big problem because they lost Orbán. There’s only socialists and communists there. The king of Spain. A communist. All of them. Losing Orbán was a tough blow for us. Very surprising, but Elon’s not helping us rig elections anymore.

(Susie Wiles speaks up: “Shut the fuck up, dumb ass.”)

A rigged election just means fixed in a very good way. We bring in this amazing technology and fix a few voting machines on election night. But without Elon’s help in Hungary, we weren’t able to do this. Very sad day for Hungary.

But we might be able to bring Orbán to the U.S. I’ve told my very ambitious but not so smart vice president, I’ve said, JD, maybe we replace you with Orbán for the third term. He seems open to that. It’s never too early to think about the next election.

You know, Sebastian Gorka is from Hungary. He works for me in counter terrorism. So many left-wing terrorists these days, like AOC. He has a great role. Great role. He’s a great American. What’s his title, Susie?

(Susie Wiles: “Senior Director for Counterterrorism on the National Security Council, dipshit.”)

Q. Didn’t he live in Hungary for a couple of decades before becoming a naturalized citizen in the US in 2012? Seems like he’d be on Stephen Miller’s hit list

I don’t think you understand how that works.

Q. Oh, I understand.

Q. Let’s move on. Yesterday you posted an image of Obama, Biden, and Nancy Pelosi swimming in a filthy version of the Lincoln Memorial reflecting pool and a headline that said, “Dumacrats Love Sewage.” I guess that was AI. Why are you obsessed with the Lincoln Memorial reflecting pool?

Well, the memorial needs to change. I should be sitting there. Abe Lincoln, a great president for his time in many ways, but not a Confederate soldier, so that’s one problem. But he was from a long time ago. The middle of the 1800s, I’m told. I don’t know if that’s true or not. His photographs look fake. I’ll be honest with you.

Q. That’s a first for you. I’ll post “Breaking News” in my Substack headline for this interview

That’s fine. So I’ll be honest. I think it may be that Abe Lincoln never existed. It was all a distraction because the North knew it was losing the war, so they created this great myth. It’s a great myth, isn’t it? A man. A big marble man. Very white. Very strong. Very tall. Fantastic hat. The only part of him that was black was his hat. Like it should be.

And he became this bigger than life hero. Everybody loved this big, white, marble man.

But that was a century ago or something like that. A long time ago, I know that. I don’t know exactly. But it was a long time ago. And he was completely made up. A legend out of nothing. Amazing accomplishment, really, since they had no social media as far as I know. And so, the North is losing this horrible war they started, all because they objected to the perfect solution to labor shortages, which were tremendous, by the way. Massive labor shortages everywhere.

And they said, “Hey, let’s create the perfect president.” And since I was not around yet, they came up with Abe. Awww, look at that. Grew up in a log cabin! Was a humble lawyer from a communist state, Illinois. What a vile country that is. JB Pritzker runs that place. A big fat rich guy, but a communist. Terrible person. Did you know he got rid of bail? Can he do that, Susie?

(Susie Wiles shrugs)

Illinois used to be a fantastic place. Chicago, too. Wonderful city. Capone was there. Very underrated. Great leader of men. Michael Madigan was there. Great American. Should have been a Republican, but you have to be a Democrat in Illinois for some reason. And another great American, Governor Rod Blagojevich, who should still be governor. Tremendous hair. Another guy who should have been a Republican.

United States Marshals Service, Public domain, via Wikimedia Commons

You know he was just borrowing that Senate seat, right? But the fake news media crucified him. So I pardoned him. Just like I’ll pardon Bondi and all the rest of the people persecuted by the fake news media.

I’ll pardon in advance. I’ll pardon everybody. I can do that. The Supreme Court will let me. John Roberts, he’s a very close friend of mine. His golf game needs a little work, but he’s a very close friend.

As soon as I get back from ChYna, I’ll pardon everyone. Making America great again means we need a stable government. You can’t just go around arresting everyone. It shouldn’t matter what they do. I have complete immunity. This means everyone who works for me does, too. I’m sure Roberts agrees. If he doesn’t, he’ll need to face the consequences for that.

Q. Can you give us an estimate on when the Iran War will end?

You mean Operation Sledgehammer. That’s what we are calling the current operation there. We expect great things from that. Many great things, many oil supply ships. Many great new oil refineries. Some of them rebuilt from scratch.

We have done such a fantastic job there. Did you know that many, many of the oil refineries and other infrastructure there are outdated? So Pete, he had a great idea. And I love our Secretary of War, don’t you? A creative genius. He’s the first Secretary of War that we can call a creative genius.

And he said to me, “We can help update these refineries with our missiles.” Just like that, half the work is done. But here’s the clever part, Carlos. We can use Iranian missiles to knock down these old, outdated refineries, too. So we did. We tricked the Iranians into blowing up some of these old refineries in the Gulf.

People say, “Well, Pete Hegseth is a war criminal.” No. He’s a genius. An economic genius. I had no idea when I hired him. I just saw those half-naked pics of him and those wonderful, manly tattoos, and I said, “He’s our new War Minister.” And the Senate just does what I tell them to do because they know MAGA is very powerful. So they approved him by one hundred percent.

Now, all these refineries, they will get rebuilt brand new, maybe with some Trump signage, maybe not, but I hope so because people should know who made it all possible.

Q. The deadline for congressional authorization of the war passed on May 1, according to the War Powers Act. When will you seek congressional approval for the Iran War? Never, right?

We don’t need to. We renamed the operation to Operation Sledgehammer. Or maybe Operation Barbarossa. I’m not sure yet. But it will be renamed very shortly. So, no war powers activity there. None. We don’t need Congress. And we have a nice AI program, so we can rename the operation almost at will. Right, Susie?

(Susie Wiles gives a thumbs up)

We’ve already accomplished so much. We even helped Iran. We removed all its leaders and put in new ones. Now we just need to make sure they do what we tell them. That can be not so easy. They are very difficult people. They’re Muslim. They’re all very difficult. They don’t understand what side of their bread is buttered on, as my loving grandma used to say. They create so many problems.

Q. According to a CNN poll, 70% of Americans disapprove of the way you’re handling the economy

It’s too bad there are that many losers in the economy. I only have one word for the American people who don’t understand how things work: “You’re fired.”

End of Part One of this interview

Trump chatted for another 18 hours, so I ‘ll need to break this up a bit.I’m not sure you’ll see the rest of it. It all depends on stuff!

Happy Wednesday!

Notes

One nice thing about “imitating” Trump is that I don’t really need to proofread!

Thanks for reading!