Take Pride in These Gay Penguins from Lincoln Park
But beware: This is not a scandal-free zone
Note: These events are based on a true story
One day about seven years ago, Maynard and Pilchard, two African penguin dudes, woke up in their penguin love nest together to discover that their mutual lover, Aiden, a well regarded lady penguin, had waddled off into the nest of a renegade bachelor named Erik.
Aiden never looked back, but neither did Maynard or Pilchard.
Maynard and Pilchard shrugged their penguin shoulders and said to each other, “Let’s make a go of it, just you and I. Let’s forget the ladies, and just do us.”
Thus began a loving, gay penguin relationship that continues to this day. Seven years later, the relationship thrives.
So far, this has apparently escaped the notice of the human far right, which means that their home in Chicago’s Lincoln Park Zoo has not yet been threatened with closure by the maniacal Trump regime (it helps that the caretakers of the regime are quite occupied with poopy pants and orange slime mold).
Maynard and Pilchard were already in a hot relationship with Aiden, who shared the affection of both penguins with equal, dare I say, aplomb? The three shared a nest, and it’s fair to say that things could get loud in there on those nights one of the three was feeling frisky (in other words, most nights).
If you’re wondering if gay sex or threesomes are allowed in African penguin culture, the answer is a resounding, “yes.”
Not only is it allowed, but, like among the ancient Romans, none of it is even noticed. In fact, penguin society is more like a Roman one than ours, which is only aware of gay sex because, many years ago, Pilgrims and other such broomstick-in-the-arse types waddled around hunting gays when they weren’t hunting witches.
Also like ancient Romans, the world of African penguin romance is a bit of a pecking order thing.1
Except that with African penguins, the pecking order seems to start and end with the ladies, whose choices for mates drive the romance trends of the entire compound.
Anyhoo, Maynard and Pilchard originally began their love nest threesome with Aiden while living off their reputation as swarthy young bachelors building a small real estate empire consisting of more nests than they needed. If this sounds familiar, I guess it just goes to show that the desire to become a real estate mogul is not limited to petty humans.
Maynard and Pilchard already had a thing for each other. Aiden simply jumped in because, well, she was a diva, and that’s what divas sometimes do.
She was very much in demand, after all, and sometimes, the pecking order must accommodate these things.
If she was interested in a bachelor, all Aiden had to do was show up at the nearest watering hole or fish bucket. Her presence alone drove many of the young bachelors into a frenzy of desire. Except, perhaps, Pilchard, who, it has been said, was drawn more to the occasional large fish in her beak than her (I may have not yet told you that he has a reputation for snatching fish out of the mouths of his peers, and that Aiden has a preference for large fish).
It’s possible that Maynard and Pilchard had a more expansive real estate empire in mind. They assumed control over three nests, pretty much two more than they needed. I am questioning the need because they, and Aiden, were happily conjugating on the regular in their original nest. They simply did not need a second or third one.
If they did have plans for a larger real estate empire, said plans might have been thwarted somewhat when Aiden deserted Maynard and Pilchard for a rambunctious fellow named Erik, who was the rebel of the colony, and, rumor has it, will, once he gathers enough confidence, challenge the alpha penguin, Preston, as tribal chief.
This is where it might be helpful to point out that Preston’s been the boss since the colony was started by Lincoln Park Zoo in 2016, and that Erik has needed all this time to gather his confidence and strength for that fateful day when he finally confronts Preston for the top spot in the penguin clan.
The tension of this potential confrontation has been building for a decade, and I am left wondering if Aiden’s sudden entry into Erik’s renegade nest will be what finally gives Erik the confidence to take on Preston and become the new boss.
In other words, is she a kingmaker?
It’s hard to say. Aiden’s diva personality scrambles the odds for Polymarket types, if that’s your jam. She could jump into another penguin’s nest at any time. Most African penguins prefer a steady mate, but Aiden likes to swing.
It doesn’t help that there are rumors that Aiden left Maynard and Pilchard because she became annoyed with Pilchard’s habit of snatching food out of the mouths of other penguins, including Aiden. This became an especially irksome habit because Aiden is a picky eater who generally will only eat the biggest fish in the fish pile.
But, as I said, the two fellas quickly moved on and managed to maintain their real estate empire within the colony.
These days, Maynard and Pilchard are models for a healthy romantic relationship that all of us can admire.
As for Aiden? Who knows? But something tells me she’s doing just fine.
Happy what’s left of Pride Month!
Notes
I may have toyed a little with details, since they were hard to come by, but the eight year relationship between Maynard and Pilchard is solid and well documented, and is a reminder that only fear-mongering humans are hung up on who shares a nest with who, at least when it comes to gender.
The Lincoln Park Zoo has kept quiet on who Aiden’s new mate really was, possibly afraid that the scandal would rock Chicago to its core. So I guessed Erik. Don’t trust me on this.
You can learn more about Maynard and Pilchard here:
Ruminato Gift Link 🎁 https://www.chicagotribune.com/2026/06/23/zoo-same-sex-animals-pride/?share=6uimtsonam0t2awaruip 🎁
You can learn more about the personalities involved, including Erik, here:
https://news.wttw.com/2017/07/17/new-series-all-my-penguins-captures-drama-zoo-s-penguin-colony
Admittedly, it’s not much to go on, but, hey, they’re penguins, not celebrities or world leaders.
Thanks for reading!
To paraphrase one guy: The libido wants what it wants.
To paraphrase someone else: Let he among you who is without lust cast the first stone.
😉