The Pentagon's Latest UFO Release Is a Comedy of Errors

Maybe Hegseth got drunk and created the website himself

Public domain image from craiyon.com

Well, today, those zany guys in D.C. decided to do a UFO dump. It consisted of, as the New York Times put it, “murky images that show what could be anything.”

Being a Science Fiction freak, I decided to take a look, and, worse, I’m inviting you along.

Let’s take a quick tour, shall we? Come on, it’ll be fun. Grab some mushrooms if you got ‘em.

I went to this “government” website:

https://www.war.gov/UFO/

First, we see the titillating home page screen:

I would have gone with this, but I guess that’s why I don’t work for the Department of War Crimes:

Scroll down a bit, and you see this:

I’d need to ask a legal beagle, but isn’t anything this website produces not “legal tender,” so to speak, since it is a self-parody? Items on this website are identified as being from the Department of War. But no such entity exists. It’s still the Department of Defense, and will be until/if Congress says otherwise. Therefore: parody.

Anyway, let’s look at that first item, shall we? I think it’s going to be terrific and magnificent:

Oh.

It’s just an envelope.

Hey, I know. Let’s try the “Download” button there on the lower left! Oh, gosh. I’m so excited I could wet my diaper.

Clicking “Download” launches a PDF document (no warning). I have to scroll down quite a ways in the document before I finally find something scintillating and titillating.

Author’s note: I’ve been wanting to use those two words together since I was in third grade. I was a strange, somewhat neglected child, fed mostly a diet of Fruit Loops and Wrigley’s Juicy Fruit chewing gum, so it’s possible my brain grew more slowly than yours. Also, my older sister repeatedly told me I was left on the doorstep by aliens.

I scroll and scroll and scroll.

Finally! Some action!

Fifty cents seems like one helluva bargain to me for a classified document.

Also, one look at it, and I can see why the government has been reluctant to release this information. Next thing you know, they’re going to reveal rumors that ducks fly.

Scrolling down the PDF reveals another fascinating screen (after several boring ones):

It’s cool that UFOs have escorts. I wonder if they’re as expensive as Georgetown escorts in D.C. Someone should ask a married Congressman.

Does our drunken Minister of War Crimes realize he’s releasing the equivalent of the government’s version of a badly done satire of Weekly World News?

Weekly World News got a lot of mileage out of Bat Boy

Do y’all want me to keep scrolling? Okay, if you insist.

But my patience is wearing thin. I want to see aliens, and not the orange kind wearing diapers and screaming insults at women, thank you very much.

Scroll, scroll, scroll.

Oh, look! Flying saucers!!!

Why has the government been holding out on these? What evil lurks inside these sophisticated spacecraft?

Oh hell no.

(Disclaimer: I may have made that one up, but if so, I’m not admitting it).

Upon further scrollishness, I encounter stuff like this:

Reams of this kind of useless stuff. The Minister of War Crimes released a massive “information” dump for reasons only someone sauced from many consecutive days of day drinking can understand.

After scrolling through several dozen pages of stuff like this, I run into this golden nugget:

My pants are, literally, on fire as I review this one.

Speaking of pants on fire, check out Little Marco yukking it up with the Pope over the UFO dump:

public domain images and an AI cheat (also public domain)

I sure get distracted, don’t I? Very sorry. I have more ADHD going on than Trump trying to deliver a speech on Euclidean geometry.

Onward! Next, I found this.

The photo caption says the photo was taken by a fella named Fred Steckling using “a REVERE 8 mm cine-camer, automatic 30 mm powerzoom lens.”

Fred, you were no Susan Niemann. In Fred’s defense, zoom lens tech was not the banger tech it is these days.

More scrolling through countless photos of nothing until I reach this interesting letter from J Edgar Hoover:

Public domain (possible image manipulation by author)

Quantum mechanics at play here? What kind of black arts are these? How did J Edgar anticipate the events of today? How did he anticipate Epstein? See my YouTube channel, coming soon (just kidding; I wouldn’t do YouTube videos if the Orange Puffalo paid me all his winnings from the Iran Insider Trading War.)

Anyhoo, on and on it goes. With stuff like this:

Ah yes, scattered sheets of legal paper with a band-aid attached. Thank you, FBI, for not revealing this wicked material to us when we weren’t mature enough to handle this kind of data in the 1960s.

And this (????????):

I have no idea what that is. Except that the individual is naked, so I assume it was misplaced from the Epstein Files. This one probably deserves closer scrutiny.

The scrolling continues. I encounter this convincing piece of evidence that aliens do, indeed, exist:

Question regarding that last paragraph. Now that our perpetually sauced Christo-nationalist Minister of War, Pete Kegsybreath, has distributed this outside of the agency, in obvious defiance of the instructions, can we finally lock him up inside a ten-year alcohol rehab program in Brazzaville? (That’s the capital of the Congo for the geographically malnourished among you.)

Thank you for your attention to this matter. God Save the USA.

Believe it or not, the document contains several copies of this report by the young white female. As I scroll further, I discover that this is she:

This next letter suggests to me that there must be some rule that the FBI records every bit of correspondence sent to it by American citizens, no matter how ridiculous it is.

So I have an idea.

What if every American sends the FBI a letter? Doesn’t matter what you say. Anything to preoccupy the other perpetually drunk dude, Kash Patel.

I’ll even write it for you, so all you have to do is copy and paste. But you have to pay for your own postage unless I get more paid subscribers. Like, about 200 million more.

Here’s my proposed letter:

Dear Mr or Mrs FBI Person:

Thank you for taking the time to read this.

I am concerned that our alleged president, Donald J Trump, is an alien.

He is scaring certain people in this country. I feel like the FBI should be checking into this possibility.

Could you please perform a live autopsy on his carcass post-haste to confirm or refute?

Sincerely,

Your name here

Your fake address here

If we flood the FBI offices with this letter, FBI agents won’t have time to do anything else, like subpoena and arrest journalists and redact the Epstein Files.

And who knows? These fools are so incompetent that we might even score on the live autopsy.

Here is the declassified government document I perused if you’re bored nearly to the point of incontinence:

https://www.war.gov/medialink/ufo/release_1/65_hs1-834228961_62-hq-83894_section_10.pdf

I checked out one more. Here’s the link for that one:

https://www.war.gov/medialink/ufo/release_1/65_hs1-834228961_62-hq-83894_section_2.pdf

It was mostly just memorandums and letters from crazed concerned citizens.

This was the only interesting picture in it:

It appears to, maybe, be a can opener.

Hey, did I ever tell you guys that when I was about ten years old, I created a bunch of palm-sized comics called “The Adventures of Dr. Maums?”

Yeah, so I distributed a new copy every week or so to my classmates. Instead of beating the crap out of me, they all seemed to look forward to the next issue. Dr. Maums was sort of this evil galactic emperor who mined planets with an orbital can opener. Just sayin’. Also, true story.

Okay, well, it’s Friday. I think that’s enough, don’t you?

Have a great weekend. Stop doomscrollling!

~ Your friend and fellow sufferer, Charles.

Thanks for reading!

Hey, have you read my short story about an illegal alien? Even if you aren’t a fan of science fiction or a bit of humor, you can trust me when I tell you it’s better than doomscrolling. Give it a try!