The Second Coming of Ronald Reagan
The Republican Messiah has returned and he’d like a word with y'all
I just received a note from dead president Ronald Reagan. The note floated down from Heaven. Then I saw Jesus scoop it up before running to me in his hazmat suit and asking me to share it with you. Either that, or I’m not timing my meds properly.
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Anyway, here it is in its entirety:
From the Heavenly Desk of Ronald Reagan
Hi, all. Ron here.
Sigh.
Look. I know a lot of you liberals hate me, and honestly, I don’t blame you. When I was around, I convinced Americans to think that big government is about as desirable as a catastrophic intestinal event after an especially bad hoagie.
This is a pretty bad look after all the hurricanes and wildfires that have hit since I disappeared from your world, but in my defense, who knew?
It’s even worse now that this idiot you’ve re-elected has killed science by banning NIH funds.
Couldn’t you at least pick someone who can laugh and make you laugh a little? People who don’t laugh shouldn’t be president. Simple rule. And they hate science because it makes people happy.
Remember when I got shot and said to the attending surgeons, “Please tell me you’re Republicans?” Everybody laughed. Even you.
I’ll be honest. I wouldn’t say that today. I mean, who even are these people?
So, to my Republican friends, I ask you: “What the actual F- -?”
I’m not allowed to write out the full “F” word here in Heaven. You understand, I’m sure.
By the way, speaking of Heaven, the angels are investing in some pretty impressive gate technology up here to keep out the fundamentalists circling around this orange swampy thing in Mar-a-Lago that Republicans seem so happy with.
But let’s talk about you.
Hey, I get it. You always want something new and shiny when you’re picking a president. Like Vivek Ramaswamy’s expensive teeth.
Remember when he was a thing for about, oh, five seconds?
Well, the big shiny thing is why you first voted for what we here in Heaven call The Orange Pestilence in the first place. His presence is Biblical, but not in a good way. It was him or Ben Carson, right? Somebody, anybody, who isn’t a professional politician. But Carson was Black so nobody up here considered him a serious Republican candidate.
You know, folks, if anyone knows how serious Americans are about looking for a political savior who isn’t a politician, it’s me. Heck, my claim to fame was as a B movie actor in a flick called “Bedtime for Bonzo”:
Looking for an outsider has turned into an American tradition every election cycle since my presidency. Remember Ross Perot? He sure was tempting, wasn’t he? Especially when he said that thing about jobs making a giant sucking sound going south?
That was gold. If Perot could have had a few more zingers like that, it might have knocked my good friend George H.W. Bush right out of the race. But hey, Perot wasn’t me. So he fizzled faster than a drop of water on a hot car in Phoenix.
Speaking of which, back in my day, Phoenix had a lot fewer 120-degree days than it does now. I might get into some trouble with his Lordship for saying this, but I have some bad news for you regarding the future of that hot little town. Let’s just say it will make your little so-called migrant problem look like a great day at summer camp.
Well, then, back to my chat. You see, I did a lot more than make Americans hate the welfare state. Which, from my perch up here in my seat next to FDR, doesn’t seem like such a great accomplishment now. Hindsight is 20–20, though. No regrets.
Remember when I told Gorby to tear down that wall? And he listened?
Good stuff. Of course, NATO then went ahead and sucked all the Warsaw Pact countries into its orbit, which made Vlad Putin take all his toys and go home. Then Vlad invaded Ukraine and blew up a lot of hospitals and such.
Well, what do you expect from a guy who shares a first name with Dracula? Although, and don’t tell anybody I told you, everyone up here thought that the Prigozhin death spiral was pretty entertaining. You really should have seen it from our vantage point up here in the clouds:
I heard Russian swear words from that plane that my friends here say haven’t been uttered in the last thousand years. За здоровье!
Okay, sorry about that. I get distracted just like you do. Back to my fellow Republicans.
You see, friends, you aren’t really paying attention to the things that made us so successful in the 1980s. We hated many people back then, too, but we didn’t make Hate the cornerstone of our Republican platform. We kind of promoted it on the sly.
Let me give you a direct example of how it’s done. Watch this ad I did for my second election campaign:
Hey, is that one of the narrators from all those Lincoln Project ads?
Well, anyway, do you see how happy all the white people are? It’s a beautiful thing. We made America great. Our America. Yes, at the end of the ad, there are a couple of kids who might be considered non-white, but that was actually a casting error. Pay no mind.
A presidential candidate’s target audience doesn’t need to be happy. But if you’re in office, I always thought that you need to convince them that they’re happy.
But now, something is wrong in America. The current guy has convinced Americans that they are unhappy. They all live in a country with living standards so far above many others that migrants from around the world flock to the nation, buy a fancy car, then pick you up in an Uber and wonder what in the hell you are talking about when you say the country has gone to shit.
Oh, damn, an alarm just went off up here because I cussed a bit.
Okay, well, anyway, I didn’t change the political direction of this country by pushing hate. At least, not in-your-face-hate.
But somehow, this continuous daily barrage of top-level hate has suddenly turned America on as if hate is some kind of new wild gotta-have-it sex toy.
When the Hater in Chief got waylaid with 4 criminal indictments, including RICO charges, many of us up here thought that would be the end of Mr. Happy.
But no, you folks are all over this hate thing. Like the kids seem to be saying these days: “You mad, brah?” Then you re-elected a monster. Very strange. Hate in America is growing faster than Rupert Murdoch’s ears.
I’d like to ask you a question. Who do you want to represent your interests? The angry, nasty-looking man in the mugshot? Really?
Remember this?
No hate there, my friends. Just morning in America.
The original federal RICO act that Atlanta prosecutors tried to toss at The Orange Oval of Hate was a gift from another old friend of mine, Richard Nixon. You’ll be glad to know he’s here with me, too, although for now, he’s relegated to some administrative duties somewhere in the basement.
Yes, Heaven has a basement. Don’t ask.1
With the original RICO, the feds were able to go after mafia types by simply establishing associations with other mafia types. So putting that orange guy away should have been easy.
The state of Georgia has its own version of RICO. Fulton County District Attorney Fani Willis has used it successfully to prosecute lots of Black kids and alleged gang members.2 No problem there.
You see, it works like this. Let’s say some Black kid is standing outside a liquor store with his friends. Let’s call him Hard Luck because, as you know, those Black kids love their street names.
One or two of his friends who belong to a known gang go into the store and rob it. Now, Hard Luck, he stays outside. Maybe lights up a Newport.3 Waits.
The guys in the store get caught. Boom! RICO! Hard Luck goes to jail, too. Isn’t that amazing?
This guilt-by-association trick is pretty merciless, and frankly, it’s not very popular up here, but there was some cheering when it happened to… well, we don’t call him by name in these parts. But you know, the guy you elected to be president, again, instead of having to face his own RICO charges.
We have a saying up here in heaven for that, too: “What the fuck is wrong with you people?”
Dammit. Alarm bell just went off again.
Another thing that isn’t popular here in Heaven is all this fussing so many of you are doing over a fellow that, and just trust me on this, you wouldn’t want within a hundred feet of your daughter.
Yet, there you are, fawning over him and then, you actually voted for him again after he was convicted and got nailed by a New York judge for rape. Again, I gotta say: “What the actual F?”
Thing is, I do chuckle a little when I see some people down there on Earth act surprised at his current antics. One of my heavenly friends said to me after the election, “Do you think these idiots would be surprised if they released Jeffrey Dahmer from prison and he started eating their cats and eating their dogs and eating their pets?”
My friends, I did not dismantle the welfare state and give you big, beautiful Reaganomics with the hope that you’d turn America into one big criminal enterprise.
My administration put guys like the Orange Puffaroon in jail. We used RICO to stuff our prisons full of mafioso types who acted just like him.
Iran-Contra wasn’t my finest hour, but can you imagine me sending redneck militiamen into the Capitol building to hang my good friend George if I had lost the election for my second term?
What I want you to do, my fellow Republicans, is to consider all the ways this Republican impostor (he was a Democrat in my day, and I wish he had stayed that way) is tearing up the Constitution of the United States.
Because, so far, you are rallying to his cause. Every time he does something to torch the Constitution, his poll numbers go up. That’s got the Big Boss up here wondering if it’s time for an asteroid strike. If you’re dead set on a Malthusian event,4 we up here would prefer some fireworks rather than the slow burn you are working up.
Remember, though: History doesn’t forget the difference between right and wrong, even if you have. I’m asking you with all the sincerity I can muster: Which side of the moral divide are you on? We here in Heaven are seriously considering shutting down the entrance application process completely for a few years to deal with this crisis. Don’t be mad when you bang on the door and nobody answers.
There are rumors that the demons of the underworld keep yanking on his leg trying to get him to join them, and that he often responds with a nod and a knowing, sardonic smile, but this is unconfirmed.
Brown, Ann. 2022. “New RICO in Atlanta: 26 Members of ‘Drug Rich’ Gang Indicted for Allegedly Robbing Celebrity Homes, Other Crimes.” Moguldom. August 31, 2022. https://moguldom.com/420187/new-rico-in-atlanta-26-members-of-drug-rich-gang-indicted-for-allegedly-robbing-celebrity-homes-other-crimes/.
Do we profile in Heaven? Of course!
“Defeating Thanos and His Malthusian Mission of Population Control.” 2019. Carnegiemnh.org. 2019. https://carnegiemnh.org/defeating-thanos-and-his-malthusian-mission-of-population-control/.
A delightful tale of a story rich with folklore and myth. Hollywood created both of these guys. Neither actually enter into the Great Throne Room Judgement ,😕 something to do with not being able to connect with the "spirit" , nope , no evidence of speaking in tongues. At least that's what I heard through the grapevine 😂