Some of you may have heard that Indiana held a primary election last night (May 6) involving the potential re-election of Republican state legislators who dared to defy Herr TrumpEpsTeen by refusing to vote to gerrymander Indiana’s U.S. congressional districts.
When the Indiana state senate voted against a redistricting plan that would have favored Republicans, the world’s most pedofried human went into action, declaring war on the state senators who voted against it and promising to ruin their election chances in the next primary. Last night was that primary.
The good news for the conqueror of Iran was that he largely succeeded. The bad news for Republicans is that he largely succeeded.
The world’s only vampire correspondent, Jade Mourning, has the report on the results.
Trigger warning: Jade has a foul mouth. He’s been known to drop more than a few F bombs in church, especially when attending shows by his favorite preacher, Benny Hinn.
The wrong vampires win in Indiana
by Jade Mourning
The mood was tense in Dr. Brian Schmutzler’s campaign headquarters at a Waffle House in Granger, Indiana, just outside of Fort Bend. Schmutzler was running in the Indiana state senatorial primary as a Republican supercharged by a campaign devoted to protecting suspected child rapist Donald Trump.
Fellow enthusiasts of the Epstein child rape ring were gathered at the Waffle House to cheer him on as local predators filled the restaurant. Videos of female child gymnasts played on a loop from a 1200-inch video screen wheeled to the event on a set of mag wheels designed to look like those big fat things you see on souped-up MAGA pickup trucks.
The previous morning, a coven of vampires from the House of Miller had descended upon the region to infect the few Republican voters who didn’t share their cohort’s enthusiasm for child predation. The vampire bites injected an unknown mind-altering pathogen to convince voters to keep the world’s most prolific child predator (allegedly, according to Ruminato’s half-baked editor) in office.1
Some background: The House of Miller is a notorious vampire house headquartered in a sprawling but badly damaged bathroom under the East Wing of the White House. Its eponymous leader, Stephen Miller, is famous for issuing anti-immigration screeds from his social media accounts while doing things like ordering the deportation of Latinos to the Congo, and occasionally haunting the once-vaunted but now trashy gold-edged hallways of the White House’s West Wing.
Several vampire houses have been at war with Miller’s coven for years, to the point that only one vampire from the house remains — Miller.
How did one vampire infect 5,461 voters? I visited Indiana State Senate District 11 to find out.
But first, the good news.
The population of District 11 is just a smidge over 133,000. During the last Indiana state senate election, Republicans won the district 54.9% to 45.1%, with just 23,037 votes.2
That’s just over 17% of the total population of the district. You see, my symbiotic human friends, there are many more winnable state contests than you realize.
Control the states, and you control America. I’ve been around for 2,000 years. I know my shit.
This year, Democrat Gabrianna Gratzol will run against the Republican primary winner in the general midterm election for Indiana’s District 11 Senate Seat. Gabrianna is a working-class hero who works in a plastics manufacturing plant3 absorbing plastic fumes so that the rest of you dumb humans can drink water from a plastic bottle.
I’ll never understand that. Fuck’s sake. Get a Brita and fill a Stanley Cup or something. No wonder all you humans are going nutty. You’ve got half a ton of microplastics swirling around your brain. Okay, then, back to my point here.
If you humans can simply manage to get off your ass and vote in the midterms for a change, you can put the final nail in the coffin (see what I did there?) to the House of Miller. Vote in state house elections, which the right-wing nationalist goons won’t bother to try rigging, with the same kind of passion you devote to the things that really matter to you, like celebrity gossip.
Overwhelm these marginal(ish) Republican precincts with voters, and you’ll put the predator vampire houses out of business.
Aha, you must be wondering. Predatory vampire houses? As in plural? To understand this answer, you need to realize there are two types of vampires. The good ones and the bad ones. I won’t go into detail here. For that, you need to read the book about me:
So, yes, at first I thought the infections in Indiana were caused by Miller alone, but it looks like he has help from allied vampire houses.
But don’t worry about that. The House of Argeadai and our allies will take care of the violent stuff. All you need to do is vote.
If you can’t find a way to vote in this age of voting by mail and advance voting, maybe my friend Moreland can help. She has some interesting modes of transportation, but be aware she doesn’t much like humans, so she may be tempted to take a nip out of you on the way to the election site.
Don’t worry, you won’t even notice. Unless she’s in a bad mood and gets sloppy. But that’s a whole different post.
Schmutzler wins
The tension at Schmutzler’s campaign headquarters quickly transformed from tense to festive as the first returns rolled in.
One excited partygoer loudly exclaimed, “Does this mean I get to keep my child porn stash?” as celebrants shared their enthusiasm over the night’s events and similar results in other Indiana state senator races scrolled on the video screen superimposed over the videos of the nubile young gymnasts that had grabbed the rapt attention of a small crowd of about 200 Schmutzler supporters.
Deeply depressed, I texted Moreland and described the astonishing scene in front of me.
Alarmed, she called me.
“I think we need to take action,” I said.
“A culling?” she asked.
I nodded, then remembered she couldn’t see me. “A culling,” I said. “I think we should get Longtooth involved.”
“It’s that serious?” Moreland asked.
“These are some sick puppies,” I said.
“Longtooth, though,” she warned. “That’s some serious scorched earth shit.”
Again, I nodded.
After a beat, she said, “You gotta do more than nod your head, dumb ass. I can’t see you.”
“Oh, right. I’m just a bit blown away by these people.”
“We’ve talked about this, Jade,” she said. “Somethin’ ain’t right. Longtooth thinks it’s some kind of sound wave attack from cell phones.”
“Longtooth is an idiot,” I said. “But a useful one. Call him and tell him to send his house here. Drain these idiots dry. Anyway, I thought we all agreed it’s caused by the House of Miller pathogen.”
“No, Jade, you agreed. With yourself. Nobody knows what is causing this psychosis, and I think you know this.”
“Gotta be a pathogen,” I said.
“Okay,” was all she said back.
“Did you know Schmutzler is an anesthesiologist?” I asked.
“Who the hell is Schmutzler?” asked Moreland.
“The guy who won here. This was one of, like, 5 local elections Trump injected his smelly ass into.”
“So?” asked Moreland.
“So he has probably put half this county to sleep during the past 3 years. Perfect opportunity to inject the pathogen.”
“I thought vampires were doing it. Get your story straight,” she said.
“This guy gets the ones the vampires don’t. I’ve seen about 50 vampires from Miller’s allied houses lurking around here, Moreland. It’s the pathogen. I’m telling you, it’s the pathogen.” I was beginning to feel a little breathless. I told her about the Democrat who won the primary to face the anesthesiologist in the general election.
“Oh great,” she said. “Voters there have a choice between someone who puts people to sleep for a living and a lady who snorts plastic fumes all day.”
“We do what we can with what we’ve got, Moreland.”
“Okay, Jade. Whatever is causing this cult, it’s been going on for ten years. You really think there are enough of us to cull them on a national scale?”
“No, of course not,” I replied. “But it’ll feel good.”
“That it will. I’ll be there in a flash.”
Thanks for reading!
Since all the cool kids are doing it, I’ll finish with a tune.
Notes
The gist of this is true. Schmutzler is real, although I may have altered his online photo just a tad in the name of satire and utter disgust for anyone who runs on a platform of defending Trump.
The king of grift got his way, and a bunch of Indiana legislators he targeted for retribution lost. But the more MAGAts that win primaries, the more general elections the good guys win.
This is the way.
For a look at how easy it is to redraw maps…
Three sample chapters of Psalm of Vampires:
Keep an eye out for the sequel to Psalm of Vampires, right here on Substack in serial form!
Footnotes
Scientists from Jade’s vampire house, the House of Argeadai, have been reverse-engineering the pathogen found in the blood of vampires from the House of Miller to no avail. They say that they know the infection is caused by a vampire bite, but so far, that is all they know.
Ballotpedia. “Indiana State Senate District 11,” 2021. https://ballotpedia.org/Indiana_State_Senate_District_11.
Gratzol, Gabrianna. “Gabrianna Gratzol for Senate District 11.” Gabrianna Gratzol for Senate District 11, 2019. https://www.gabriannagratzolforsenatedistrict11.org/about-1.
I'm trying to catch up from driving all day and I believe this story is true. I spent last night in Indiana and ever since, my skin is growing increasingly pale, my teeth are getting pointy, and I was sucked in to political signs to vote for some old blond lady named Brenda Wilson running for state senate who was "Trump endorsed". I feel only slightly better now that I'm back in Missouri. 😂 Good work, sir!! 👏👏👏