Why We Shouldn't Indict Any of Trump's Minions
I have a much better idea — introducing the Trump Zoo
I’m still so giddy over Tuesday’s election results that I’ve been reading about proposals for what to do with the lunatics who have been helping and enabling Agent Orange during Mad Clown 2.0 when we finally get rid of them.
Most of the proposals circle the same basic solution: imprisonment. There are different ways of getting there. For example, one popular idea is a Presidential Crimes Commission.
From what I can see, any approach is going to take too long.
I have a much better idea.
We all know what they’ve done. Let’s ditch the formalities.
Let’s just put them all in a zoo. We’ll do what they do: Detain them without due process. Forever.
I’ve developed a specific proposal for the zoo and have gone so far as to describe some of the more interesting exhibits. You only get this kind of stuff at Ruminato, and since Substack nags me to add a Subscribe button every time I post, here it is (see the sweet deals at the end of this post):
We should put the facility in the middle of the country somewhere, so that it’s easy for tourists to get to. Somewhere in the Midwest off I-80. Okay, sure, you’ve talked me into it. You’re right. Chicago is perfect.
I’m glad we all agree.
This will be the Disney Park of the late 2020s, and a great place to take the family for a summer vacation. Sort of a Gatsby zoo for beleaguered American citizens. Canadians, too, of course, will be encouraged to visit, and for the first year, I think they should gain free admittance for the hell we’ve put them through.
It’ll be much more than a zoo. It will be a theme park where the captives are subjected to the whims of their visitors. Cruel? Over the top?
Hell yes. Revenge is sweet.
Key Exhibits
What follows are some of the zoo’s key exhibits.
The Vampire House
Featuring former Deputy Chief of Staff Stephen Miller
Make sure to hold on to your kids for this one. Watch Stephen Miller transform into his natural state every few minutes as he looks vainly for human victims without success (because he’s trapped in a cage).1
The Susie Wiles Exhibit
Featuring former Chief of Staff Susie Wiles
Doctors will perform surgery so that all that is left of Susie Wiles is her head, which will be fused onto a conference table. There, she will bark out horrific orders designed to terrify humanity. This, along with the Vampire House, is sure to become a Halloween favorite.
The Howard Lutnick Poor House
Featuring Howard Lutnick, former Commerce Secretary and oligarch
Anthropologists and psychiatrists will act as docents to guide visitors through this exhibit.
Lutnick, who once said his 94-year-old grandmother would get over it if the government missed sending her a Social Security check, will spend the rest of his days sitting in a poorly maintained shack that frequently fills with raw sewage. He will live on a diet that is sustained with a typical Social Security monthly benefit after housing and healthcare cost deductions. In other words, he’ll eat nothing but cheap, highly processed breakfast cereal.
Visitors will be allowed to throw Russian coins at him.
The Canine Revenge Pen
Featuring Kristi Noem, former Secretary of Homeland Security
This is where Kristi Noem will be housed. It will be full of feral, wild dogs who will have their way with her. To prepare for the inevitable, plans will be made for it to be converted into a tomb, where she will be buried wearing body armor and a bulletproof vest.
The JD Vance Couch House
Featuring JD Vance, former Vice President
This is the zoo’s only adults-only area. It will officially be advertised as a place where “Unspeakable things happen.”
The Hegseth Aquatics House
Featuring Pete Hegseth, former Defense Secretary
Pete Hegseth will be equipped with a special breathing apparatus so that he can live permanently in a pool of bourbon. Equipped with special tubes for drinking from his environment, he will be able to remain perpetually sauced. He’ll be imprisoned for life, but happy.
I guess he’ll be surrounded by drunk fish, too.
The Mike Johnson Empty Room
Featuring Mike Johnson, former Speaker of the House
Mike Johnson will reside in an empty room. He will not do anything while he is there. Visitors will be allowed to ask him questions about anything they wish, but the answers will always be the same: “I don’t know.” For an extra fee, visitors can tell him to do something, but his response will always be, “That’s not possible.”
He’ll occasionally mumble things like, “There’s no such thing as a Trump Zoo. I don’t know what you mean by that.”
The Scott Bessent Boxing Arena
Featuring Scott Bessent, former Treasury Secretary
Other Zoo animals will frequent Scott Bessent’s exhibit for boxing matches with the ever-feisty Bessent.2 The matches will be refereed by former Education Secretary Linda McMahon. This is the only zoo attraction that features two Trump animals permanently in one exhibit, aside from the U.S. Senate building.
The Mario Rubio Orangutan House
Featuring Mario Rubio, former Secretary of State
Sure to be a hit, this is where Mario Rubio will live with a variety of orangutans found in the wild who look eerily like Trump. Your kids will scream with delight when the orangutans present Mario their bare naked ass, which he will dutifully kiss before running off to hide in shame.
Elon Musk On Mars
Featuring Elon Musk, former oligarch and wannabe trillionaire
His only supply a chainsaw, Elon will live in a harsh, dry environment without enough oxygen to live on. In this exhibit, Elon will have to prove that he’s truly the innovator he claims to be, rather than someone who lives off other people’s work. He either terraforms his exhibit quickly or he perishes in its harsh, red landscape.
It’s suggested that you visit the zoo early if you don’t want to see the dead husk of Elon stretched out across the red desert floor, his hand groping for something that isn’t there.
It’s anticipated, however, that many visitors will be happy to see that, too.
Pam Bondi Mannequin House
Featuring Pam Bondi, former Attorney General
Here, Pam Bondi will sit with mannequins representing prosecutors who fight adamantly for impossibly stupid causes centered around Trump’s desire for revenge. The mannequins, all of whom are slender blonde females, will be equipped with AI-generated recordings that repeat the same talking points to a series of stern judges.
The speeches go something like this: “It is necessary to provide the president with far-reaching executive powers to combat the communist threat posed by liberals and angry grandmothers.”
The Karoline Leavitt Experience
Featuring Karoline Leavitt, former White House Press Secretary
Children will thrill at watching Karoline Leavitt scream at them when they visit her cage. Armed with nothing but her mouth, she’ll rage at children as they point to her while she tries to explain why Trump should never have been removed from office.
Alien: Earth — The RFK Jr. Autism House
Featuring RFK Jr., former Secretary of Health and Human Services
Sponsored by Hulu. Encased in a glass house made from several layers of thick, protective glass, this will remind visitors of the hit Hulu series, Alien: Earth. RFK Jr. will wander around experimenting with various pathogens to determine if they give him autism while fending off genetically modified creatures from experimental Chinese bioengineering labs.
The Russell Vought Assault Arcade
Featuring Russell Vought, Project 2025 Editor and former Director of the Office of Management and Budget
This interactive exhibit is destined to be a crowd-pleaser. The Russell Vought Assault Arcade will enable visitors to attack Russell Vought with the weapon of their choice, selected from a variety of lethal video game armaments. He will be re-animated by doctors after each death so that he can relive the experience repeatedly each day and fully understand the impact he’s had on others.
The US Senate House of Shame
All 53 Republican U.S. senators, along with a few Democrats, will live together in this exhibit, where visitors watch them go insane while rationalizing terrible decisions with one another. As punishment for enabling the Trump regime, the walls of their exhibit will play videos of Trump speeches 24 hours a day.
The Media Center
This is a large building that will hold thousands of U.S. journalists, who will live in huts made of cow manure until they atone for their years of perpetuating the Trump Crime family. They will all have duct tape attached permanently to their mouths by surgeons.
The Thing That Won’t Die Garden of Gold and Glitter
Last but not least, and let’s face it, the star attraction, is The Thing That Won’t Die Garden of Gold and Glitter.
Prediction: Scientists will discover that the main attraction simply cannot be killed, even after discovering that he’s consumed with various wasting diseases. Instead, the mad clown will be studied while residing in a room with walls lined with golden urinals and toilets and video murals of an AI-generated version of Jeffrey Epstein promising that Trump will receive a young female “any day now.”
There is no actual garden.
Thanks for reading!
Notes
Got an idea for an exhibit? Let us all know in the comments!
If you’re wondering where the rest of the Trump family is in this scenario, they will all be in survivor support groups and will not be ridiculed. However, all their money will be returned to the people of the United States.
The various white nationalists and Christo-fascists will be exiled and will not be part of the zoo. Nobody wants to look at that shiz.
Normally, I eschew AI-generated anything, but sometimes, that’s not possible if I’m borrowing from other people, which I did here, so there is obviously some AI-generated art littered about the yard.
I created this post mainly because I told Susan Niemann that I would in a comment on one of her Substack Notes. It’s all her fault. If that doesn’t satisfy your stupid engagement algorithm, Substack, I don’t know what will. Maybe an AI-generated video of me kissing Hamish’s ass?
Speaking of vampires, there are two new places to find my novel, Psalm of Vampires, aside from Amazon, which is still the only place to find it in hardcover or paperback (I’m hoping to change that by early next year using Ingram’s self-publishing tools):
Payhip is an online store for content creators. You can download the eBook there for less than a Starbucks:
Or, you can check it out for the same price at Inkitt:
The economy is tough right now. Since my writing is free, but I work hard to produce it, I’ve created a new pricing tier to fit everyone’s budget:
Full price: $8 per month
$7 per month
$6 per month
$5 per month
$4 per month
$3 per month
$2 per month
If you can, I hope you’ll consider signing on as a paid subscriber. If you can’t, don’t sweat it. I can’t either.
Footnotes
Original Stephen Miller TikTok video link:
Tiktok failed to load.Enable 3rd party cookies or use another browser
Bade, Rachael. 2025. “‘I’m Gonna Punch You in Your F--King Face’: Scott Bessent Threatens an Administration Rival.” POLITICO. Politico. September 8, 2025. https://www.politico.com/news/magazine/2025/09/08/scott-bessent-bill-pulte-blowup-00549956.
i love your writing but this one is a special gem.
i’m on board with all of it except the trump crime family getting a pass. they’ll be stripped of all their money, paid minimum wage, and forced to work in the zoo all day every day where they’ll live and pay rent to a robot slumlord. the money they earn will also go back to the people they’ve harmed and they’ll need to eat whatever patrons have left in the trash. their larynxes will be disabled so they can’t complain and the shock collars they’ll be wearing won’t allow them to escape.
one of the evil trump sons had “ministry of truth” as his twitter bio for years. they know exactly what they’re doing. even tiffany.
also you forgot the supreme court exhibit where the 6 enablers and ginny thomas will reinvent the “naked and afraid” genre every single day.
I wanna visit the Supreme Court zoo, please mommy.