Your Food Is Too Expensive, and It’s My Fault
Oh, and thanks for the fish
I get a lot of my groceries delivered. Every time I tap my phone for grocery deliveries, I suck just a little more money out of your bank account.
I didn’t always get groceries delivered. See the dude in the graphic talking to himself? That was me several years ago merrily walking from the grocery store on a cool San Francisco day.
When I was a younger lad, I’d walk from my loft on Hayes Street in San Francisco to the local Safeway, then back. On my return home, it must have looked like I had wings constructed out of hundreds of ballooned plastic shopping bags, which were still a thing in those days.
However, now that I live in Atlanta, I’m not willing to walk from the supermarket carrying milk and a gallon of Milo’s iced tea (unsweetened, of course) in Atlanta’s heat. I’m not getting any younger.
I also don’t own a car.
Over the years, I’ve rarely owned a car while living in congested urban areas. When I live in the city, if I need to go somewhere farther than 20 miles, I rent a car.
I wish I could say it’s because I’m doing my part to save the environment, but, honestly, it’s not an altruistic thing unless it’s altruistic to not want to feel homicidal while hunting for parking spaces. It’s mostly that.
Of course, not owning a car means I walk to the store if I want to eat.
I still do that often. But I have to be sort of strategic in how I do it. Produce and other light stuff. Heavy stuff or the 36-count mega rolls of toilet paper that old dudes like me need to restock every other day? That’s for the delivery people.
I’ll also piggyback other stuff, especially anything that comes in a jar, onto the delivery order for the hard-to-carry items. When I shop in person at the store, I have to calculate more than the cost. I have to calculate weight: Do I really want to carry add two jars of spaghetti sauce to an already full order?
In my defense, I eat salads every day, so I still walk to the store frequently, even in the heat. I’m not as lazy as I sound. Nothing against the kids who are stuck filling my orders, but I don’t want them picking my produce.
Most of them wouldn’t know a good cucumber if JD Vance plopped down on the couch next to them and happily exclaimed, “Look what I found in the fridge!”
But here’s the thing. Delivery is wildly expensive for grocery stores. They’re passing that cost to you. Especially when they inadvertently give me free food, which they do more often than you’d expect.
Sorry for that. But also, thanks?
Forbes claims that online shopping is more expensive when I order online than if I just walk to the store and nab some items:
With extra charges adding up per delivery, shoppers are essentially paying more per item online than they would at the store. At a time when many shoppers are feeling the financial strains of a recession, the average customer will usually turn toward more economic options; few, if any, perks could beat having more cash in pocket.
Leave it to Forbes to be a little out of touch, because it’s simply not true. I frequently shop with Kroger. They, in turn, frequently toss in what they call “Flash sales” upon checkout that are very nearly food giveaways: Loaves of good multigrain bread for a dollar? Yeah, send it my way. A four-pound chunk of frozen salmon for two dollars? Thanks for the fish!
Their Boost delivery program also includes significant deals and price-slashing digital coupons, including freebies. Real-world examples have included free Ben & Jerry’s ice cream (please stop doing that, Kroger), seasonings, and a box of Cascadian Farms cereal.
When I shop in person, I have never noticed an item that is less expensive than the online purchase price. The same holds for Whole Foods, another online favorite of mine. I don’t know where Forbes is getting its information, but it isn’t from doing any real-world shopping.
The net costs of delivery to me are minimal. If I order $35 or more from Whole Foods, delivery is free because I’m a member of the evil Prime empire. I feel a little dirty about that, but logistics for someone without a car can challenge one’s idealism.
Besides: They give me free fish — sometimes by accident.
This happens most frequently when I give them large orders.
My latest large Whole Foods delivery rewarded me with a free filet of salmon about the size of a Liberian-registered container ship.
(Checks notes: What is it about all the free salmon?)
Kroger recently sent me a free ring of smoked sausage that I could have wrapped around my embarrassingly prodigious waistline about a hundred times.
I wondered what in the hell to do with the thing. Maybe, I thought, I could use it to corral a MAGA 6 felon from Trump’s January 6 tribute event. It’s not like I’m ever gonna eat it. The best food photographers in the world can’t tempt me into eating something that looks like my intestines:
That thing is going to be sitting in my fridge until Christmas when I gift wrap it and send it to someone who didn’t realize quite how deserving they were of such largesse.
This is all very expensive… for you.
So, yeah. If you’re wondering why food prices have soared, you can blame me. The supermarkets have to cover the costs of giving me free food somehow, right? Combined with the loss-leader effects of delivery services in general, no wonder your egg prices have doubled in price since the pandemic started.
The only way you can justify blaming Biden is if you assume he is one of the delivery guys. (He’s slowed down a bit in his old age, in case you hadn’t noticed.)
The first time I received someone else’s food, I felt a little guilty, so I looked online to see if there was a way to let them know about their mistake. Nope. Nothing. So I shrugged it off, thinking it was a one-off.
It wasn’t.
These kids who deliver my groceries try hard. They really do. I don’t blame them for mixing up orders. I now accept their gifts with a smile and carry on with my day. I would tip them extra if they slipped me a free box of Count Chocula, but they run off so fast after delivering I have no idea what the delivery order looks like.
Luckily for me, it doesn’t work the other way. If I’m missing something, the good folks at the supermarket refund my money, no questions asked.
The other day I ordered a two-for-one deal assuming that meant that I’d get four items if I ordered two. I received two items. So I filled out a form saying there was a problem with that part of the order, and they simply refunded the money, without asking me to return the items I did get.
This is expensive… for you.
In fairness to them, it’s extremely rare for me to “file a claim.” There are probably software flags for people who do. In that case, not only might they ask questions, but they may ask Peter Theil to enter the offenders into the Palantir database of questionable people.
Overall, I seem to have good delivery karma. I think I’ve only had to ask for two refunds, but I get someone else’s food about every two large deliveries or so.
A couple of weeks ago I received a nice little jar of mango chutney. I love Indian food, but I’m not really big on mango chutney. I may need some help with that one. If anyone has some good advice on a way to enjoy mango chutney, please add a comment. I’m too lazy to use the Google machine for that.
You’d think that with the most recent plague sort of under control, supermarkets would start phasing out delivery services. But nope, Walmart recently solicited me with a new delivery service they’re rolling out.
I dunno man, I do have some standards. But sadly, the offer is tempting.
Notes
Kamala is right about price gouging. Here’s an article about how the meat industry has been actively involved in price gouging since the pandemic started:
https://www.rawstory.com/people-need-to-go-to-jail-for-this-sh-t-video-shows-how-us-meat-industry-colludes-to-bo/
Thanks for reading!
