16 Christmas Movies We'll Be Forced to Watch in 2026
By then, Trump's henchmen and women will own all the movie studios
Yesterday, CBS “News” Chief Bari Weiss put the kabosh on an important 60 Minutes story about concentration camps in her quest to convert CBS News into yet another propaganda arm for the growing authoritarian state. Meanwhile, the regime is fighting Netflix’s purchase of Warner Bros. Discovery so that David Ellison can pretty much buy it instead.
Ellison, as you may or may not know, is the demon seed of rich oligarch Larry Ellison, who owns Oracle (pretty much). The younger Ellison is a Trump sycophant who pretty much owns Paramount, which owns CBS now, and which made a hostile takeover bid for Warner Bros. Discovery, which runs another news service you may be familiar with, CNN.
The older Ellison, that’s Larry, is also a Trump sycophant. He pretty much owns Oracle, the big database company that pretty much now owns the American version of TikTok.
Fun fact: Vlad Putin’s march to complete control of Russia featured a systematic takeover of a Russian media landscape that, under his pretty much drunk predecessor, Boris Yeltsin, had been lively and boisterous, just like Boris was. That’s now gone, and here we all are.
So it seems time to take a peek at next year’s Christmas movies, because this nation is careening toward authoritarianism, too, and the movie studios are all going to be owned by right-wing oligarchs by this time next year.
Next Year’s Christmas Movies
Word is, these movies are already in production.
All of them are remakes. The originals will be destroyed.
1. It’s a Wonderful Life
A heroic patriot named Mr. Potter must save his town from a band of ruffians led by two leftist criminals, George Bailey and his conniving, drunk uncle, Billy. As the Baileys try to turn their small and unprofitable savings and loan into a communist beachhead, Potter realizes that the only solution is through Christian prayer. An angel descends and teaches George Bailey the importance of rooting out undeseriables and strengthening the power of Heritage Americans.1
2. Elf
A ruggedly handsome man with orange skin and hair finds himself questioning his role as one of Santa’s helpers in the North Pole. Unable to shake off the affections of hundreds of female elves, he succumbs to their charms by forcing them all, one at a time, into his elf house, where he teaches them the importance of duty and honor.
He then travels to New York City, where he discovers his real father, Walter Hobbs. There, they both discover the true meaning of Christmas as they buy up hundreds of miles of real estate and begin the patriotic mission of clearing the filthy city of the ragged, dirty vermin that has ruined it. Based on a true story.
3. Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer
A herd of communist reindeer led by the mysterious Rudolph terrorizes a small Ohio town full of patriots who must summon all their strength to fend off the beasts with nothing but their AR-15s and their Christian faith.
Things look bleak until a lone hero known only as DJT emerges from the rubble of previous battles against the communist scourge. Shedding his orange skin to blend in with the locals, he leads them to the ultimate climax on the grounds of a bordello full of valiant teenagers. Can they overcome impossible odds and save Christmas?
4. Christmas Vacation
All the Griswold family wants to do is take a simple Christmas vacation. But as soon as they do, they encounter one disaster after another. Clark Griswold, the patriarch, leads his tradwife Ellen to bliss as he discovers that the true source of their problems lies with the true enemies of America, heathens who refuse to honor Christianity and say “Merry Christmas” during the holiest of holidays.
When he discovers that a small disaster strikes whoever is greeted with the phrase, “Happy Holidays,” he embarks on a mission to save the world from the supernatural forces that are threatening Christmas. What begins as a comedy of errors ends as the ultimate hero’s journey.
5. Die Hard
A man visiting his 32nd tradwife for Christmas finds himself in her boss’s large office building, where, wearing only tidy whities and a white wife-beater tee-shirt, he hangs from the rafters and single-handedly kills thousands of leftist terrorists during a company Christmas party.
6. A Christmas Carol
Scrooge is a rich real estate magnate with a soft heart who is visited by three ghosts on Christmas Eve. They teach him that the real meaning of Christmas lies within the magical question, “Are there no workhouses, are there no prisons?” The ghosts walk him through his life of charity by pointing out that all it has done is soften people who benefit from the hard work of others, and that poverty is a dish best served cold.
7. A Christmas Story
A young incel named Ralphie Parker attempts to convince his parents, teacher, and Santa Claus that an AR-15 is the perfect Christmas gift.
8. Miracle on 34th Street
After a New York tradwife and mother hires a kindly old man to play Santa Claus at Macy’s, she is startled by his claim to be the real Santa Claus. She embarks on a grueling patriotic mission to have him imprisoned for making the false claim. As Macy’s stores close across the country, the question soon becomes, can she see to it that he’s imprisoned for life for his sacrilege, and can the communists be properly blamed for the loss of America’s beloved Christmas icon?
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9. Gremlins
When a young man receives a small, exotic animal from Haiti as a Christmas gift, he discovers that when he doesn’t properly follow directions for maintaining the animal’s health, a voodoo curse overwhelms him in the form of tiny, angry, cannibalistic Haitians bent on his destruction.
10. Bad Santa
A successful conman and heroic patriot with a great attitude, maybe the best in movie history, poses as Santa to rob loser department stores on Christmas Eve. He’s soon challenged by a deranged child who tries to convince him that failing stores don’t deserve the treatment they get. But it’s the misguided child who discovers that a harsh, much-needed lesson awaits.
11. How the Grinch Stole Christmas
A conniving town full of liberals called Whoville, led by an evil little girl named Cindy Lou Who, tries to storm the mountain top where a strong, rich patriot lives. Jealous of the patriot’s success, they assault his compound with a myriad of strange weapons as the Grinch (Cindy Lou Who) pushes an impossible liberal agenda upon the town’s helpless citizens.
12. The Polar Express
On Christmas Eve, a young boy travels to the North Pole on the Polar Express, where he embarks on a series of adventures that lead him to the ultimate mission: Conquer Greenland and northern Canada on behalf of the Great Homeland in the ultimate story of redemption, patriotism, and conquest.
13. Home Alone
An eight-year-old troublemaker, mistakenly left home alone, must defend his parents’ home against a pair of bedraggled communists on Christmas Eve, who arrive intending to wreck the expensive house the parents built through hard work and good fortune. Eventually, the battle becomes one for capitalism itself, as the boy discovers that the nation’s real criminals are created by their stubborn refusal to believe in the principles of making America great again.
14. Love Actually
A fifteen-hour British tribute to Donald Trump narrated by Liam Neeson, filled with vignettes and stories about the greatest leader in the history of the world.
15. A Charlie Brown Christmas
The original movie has been banned from the United States because Sony Pictures purchased the bulk of the Peanuts estate.
16. The Nightmare Before Christmas
Donald Trump is elected to a third term, forcing liberals to flee the country and declare the end of the world.
Notes
Thanks for reading!
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Footnotes
Ward, Ian. “The Online Right’s Favorite Nativist Slogan Is Gaining Traction in the Real World.” POLITICO. Politico, July 31, 2025. https://www.politico.com/news/magazine/2025/07/31/heritage-american-jd-vance-online-right-phrase-00481724.
p.s. Best American Cristes Maesse card ever.
Die Hard 😂😂😂😂. Good column!