And Now, My Trump Brethren, Open Your Bibles To Proverbs 29

Annotated Bible Studies for MAGA

Image of Bible stolen from Trump’s Bible selling website; fair use claim; Yes, the cover really says July 13, 2024, The Day God Intervened, because you can’t make this shit up. Other image manipulation by author.

Yesterday I was doing some meditations and I ran into this neat little Bible excerpt. I felt like it fit the Russian Golden Showers Boy perfectly. Because of my unusually close relationship with God, the good Lord helped me annotate the verse. I am providing this service for free. Pass it along to MAGAland if you dare.

I asked for some help from the heavenly realm because I also noticed that the Orange Pestilence is now imprinting the following on the Trump Bibles he’s pawning off to wayward Christians:

The Day God Intervened.
July 13, 2024

You can’t make this shit up. The man is singlehandedly killing the art form we once called satire but we now just call MAGA shit.

With no further ado, I present to you the perfect Trumpy Bible Verse. Annotated by the Lord himself.

Proverbs 29

He who is often reproved, yet stiffens his neck,
    will suddenly be broken beyond healing.

And oh, my, is he often reproved! Note: As your God and Savior, I am still working on the "broken beyond healing part". I thought all those cheeseburgers would do it. And no, you dumb gun-toting Republicans, I don't approve of assasination attempts. Stop that!

² When the righteous increase, the people rejoice,
    but when the wicked rule, the people groan.

I have heard much groaning of late. Eight years of it, in fact.

³ He who loves wisdom makes his father glad,
    but a companion of prostitutes squanders his wealth.

We are still processing his father. Satan has declared the father a menace. As for the second part of this verse, the earthly cost for his rendezvous with Stormy Daniels is still being calculated by Earth's badly designed legal system. Stormy, btw, has an express pass through Heaven's Gate for her good works.

⁴ By justice a king builds up the land,
    but he who exacts gifts tears it down.

Dude blows up everything he touches.

⁵ A man who flatters his neighbor
    spreads a net for his feet.
⁶ An evil man is ensnared in his transgression,
    but a righteous man sings and rejoices.

Justice moves slow these days. When this was written, he would have been ensnared and then some by not only his 34 felony convictions, but his serial sexual assaults, etc., etc., etc...

⁷ A righteous man knows the rights of the poor;
    a wicked man does not understand such knowledge.

Well, he actually has no knowledge, nor any understanding.

⁸ Scoffers set a city aflame,
    but the wise turn away wrath.
⁹ If a wise man has an argument with a fool,
    the fool only rages and laughs, and there is no quiet.

We here in Heaven are flummuxed by the fact that your earthly polls show 40% of the people willing to vote for 4 more years of raging with no quiet. Especially after Sleepy Joe Biden. Yeah, we call him that, too, but with great affection.

¹⁰ Bloodthirsty men hate one who is blameless
    and seek the life of the upright.
¹¹ A fool gives full vent to his spirit,
    but a wise man quietly holds it back.
¹² If a ruler listens to falsehood,
    all his officials will be wicked.

We really didn't expect this Vance character to be added to the mix. Needless to say, the cellars in Sheol are undergoing emergency expansion to account for him and his little helpers.

¹³ The poor man and the oppressor meet together;
    the Lord gives light to the eyes of both.
¹⁴ If a king faithfully judges the poor,
    his throne will be established forever.

Otherwise, he loses his throne and whines about it for four years. Incessantly. Do y'all realize how difficult it has been to not intervene?

¹⁵ The rod and reproof give wisdom,
    but a child left to himself brings shame to his mother.

Especially when the child is 78 years old. By the way, we are Swifties, too!

Screenshot from True Sociopath; fair use claim

¹⁶ When the wicked increase, transgression increases,
    but the righteous will look upon their downfall.

Be patient, my children. The downfall is coming, and it will be glorious.

¹⁷ Discipline your son, and he will give you rest;
    he will give delight to your heart.
¹⁸ Where there is no prophetic vision the people cast off restraint,^[c]
    but blessed is he who keeps the law.
¹⁹ By mere words a servant is not disciplined,
    for though he understands, he will not respond.
²⁰ Do you see a man who is hasty in his words?
    There is more hope for a fool than for him.
²¹ Whoever pampers his servant from childhood
    will in the end find him his heir.
²² A man of wrath stirs up strife,
    and one given to anger causes much transgression.

We sent an angel to him once who asked him, "You mad, bro?" Dude sent a cheeseburger flying against a wall. You may have heard about this.

²³ One's pride will bring him low,
    but he who is lowly in spirit will obtain honor.
²⁴ The partner of a thief hates his own life;
    he hears the curse, but discloses nothing.

Actually, we are not sure he hears jack shit, but we do know he hates his life, and yours, too.

²⁵ The fear of man lays a snare,
    but whoever trusts in the Lord is safe.
²⁶ Many seek the face of a ruler,
    but it is from the Lord that a man gets justice.

We are, quite literally, rubbing our palms together in anticipation of said justice. Satan may be a dick, but he throws one helluva welcome party.

²⁷ An unjust man is an abomination to the righteous,
    but one whose way is straight is an abomination to the wicked.

Says it all right there. And no, not that kind of straight, sillies. Don't listen to those fundamentalist nuts. We love everyone up here. Well, except you know who. 

I’m probably going to hell now for writing this, but things need to be said.

Have a great evening, and don’t forget to register to vote!

Registration Deadlines: https://www.vote.org/voter-registration-deadlines/