I Read Trump's Lawsuit Against The New York Times So You Don't Have to

This is NOT Satire

Some news stories are so silly that they must be reported as is. No embellishments. No satire. No snark. Just straight up, “This happened.”

This is not one of those, but it’s very close.

I emphasize, because I must, and because I sometimes am foolish enough to try writing satire during these madcap times, that the information contained in this post is not satire. But, like many things related to this insane regime, it sounds like it should be.

Here’s what happened.

I read the entirety of the mad clown’s defamation and libel lawsuit against the New York Times so you wouldn’t have to. The case, for now, has been dismissed¹ by a Republican appointed judge, in Florida, no less, for….

…well, the reasons will become clear as you read the parts of the lawsuit I’ve plucked out of the legal document. It’s easy to read as legal documents go. The document his lawyers filed is so sycophantic that I am forced to speculate that the orange pustule played with one of the MuskBrat AI machines and cranked the document out himself while shoveling fast food into his swollen gullet.

I’ve included a link to the entire thing at the end of this post, if you want to check my work.

So grab a stiff drink (or, if you’re like me, some strong coffee), and settle in.

One of the reasons the judge threw the case out almost the moment it landed on his desk was that it took the mad buffoon’s crazy lawyers more than 80 pages to get to the point. It is those pages we will focus on.

The document opens with this salvo:

On November 5, 2024, President Trump won the 2024 Presidential Election over Vice President Kamala Harris in historic fashion, emerging victorious in both the Electoral College and the popular vote, and securing a resounding mandate from the American people. President Trump trounced Harris with 312 electoral votes and a sweep of all seven “battleground” states.

Not even a Florida judge would call one of the closest elections in history a mandate at 77,303,573 million votes (who the hell are you people?) to 75,019,257 votes (where the hell were the rest of you?).

With the overwhelming victory, President Trump secured the greatest personal and political achievement in American history.

"Today, the Times is a full- throated mouthpiece of the Democrat Party. The newspaper’s editorial routine is now one of industrial-scale defamation and libel against political opponents. As such, the Times has become a leading, and unapologetic, purveyor of falsehoods against President Trump on the legacy media landscape.

It came as no surprise when, shortly before the Election, the newspaper published, on the front page, highlighted in a location never seen before, its deranged endorsement of Kamala Harris with the hyperbolic opening line “[i]t is hard to imagine a candidate more unworthy to serve as president of the United States than Donald Trump.”

Perhaps we should be giving the Times more credit, because, as Agent Orange correctly notes:

The Board asserted hypocritically and without evidence that President Trump would “defy the norms and dismantle the institutions that have made our country strong.”

The strikethroughs are mine for obvious reasons. Hey, can you sue someone for defamation when they make an accurate prediction?

The complaining continues for a bit, then jumps to this book (including a photo of the cover):

This book was written by two of the reporters he attached to the complaint.

Using such overwrought AI descriptions as “repugnant” in describing the reporting of the Times and the book shown above, the text of the legal document lavishes Agent Orange with such praise as:

To try and falsely and maliciously tear down President Trump’s worldwide reputation for success, the New York Times, Craig, Buettner, and Penguin decided to try and confront, head-on, what remains to this day one of the "President’s most well-known successes—in addition to his decades of magnificent real estate achievements, winning the Presidency, and then winning the Presidency again—his remarkable performance as the star of “The Apprentice,” one of the top-rated shows of all time and a trailblazer in American television."

Can I just say something about calling “The Apprentice” a trailblazer? No? Okay, let’s skip it.

“Siri, can you create the most egregiously sycophantic AI-generated description of Agent Orange’s role on ‘The Apprentice’ possible?”

“Sure. Would you like me to mention penis size?”

“No, thanks, Siri. Let ‘er rip:”

Thanks solely to President Trump’s sui generis charisma and unique business acumen, “The Apprentice” generated hundreds of millions of dollars in revenue, and remained on television for over thirteen years, with nearly 200 episodes. “The Apprentice” represented the cultural magnitude of President Trump’s singular brilliance, which captured the zeitgeist of our time

Yeah. His lawyers wrote that.

sui generis?

The complaint then complains that the New York Times, authors Susanne Craig and Ross Buettner, and Penguin (the book’s publisher) falsely claimed that Trump was “discovered” by the show’s producer, Mark Burnett.

If I were one of the authors, I probably wouldn’t have written “discover,” since the Orange Phlegm of Flatulance was a known quantity, especially in New York, but I still fantasize about being in a room alone with Burnett so I can see how my most recent martial arts training is working out while yelling at him for ruining the world by promoting this idiot for 15 years.

Burnett and Morning Joe. Both of them deserve special rooms in hell.

A Gustave Doré illustration for Dante Alighieri’s Divine Comedy; public domain via The Gutenberg Project

That said, nitpicks over words like “discovered” are not the stuff of defamation lawsuits.

The lawsuit continues with an extensive whine concerning some solid reporting, then returns to the theme of the lawsuit: praise for Herr Pedoführer:

In addition to his unprecedented political success, President Trump is universally known for his decades of remarkable business achievements…

A bit more fluff, then we get to the heart of the matter, an AI-generated pile of obsequious poo:

Recently, President Trump’s transcendent ability to defy wrongful conventions has been vividly reflected in his successful undertaking to restore integrity to journalism, and repair the immense damage caused by legacy media outlets such as the Times for the better part of a decade.

I would pay the Trump family my tiny monthly government allowance (aka social security check) in exchange for the prompt that pushed their AI bot to translate “The First Amendment” to “wrongful conventions.”

My best guess is that their “prompt engineer,” who is probably the only person in the West Wing allowed to wear a nose ring, wrote a script to automate the process of replacing the phrase “First Amendment” with “wrongful conventions,” and “free elections” with “immense damage.”

The lawsuit then lists several capitulations on the part of other media organizations in response to bullying and extortion campaigns coming out of the White House.

Whoever wrote this legal document then went on to write this, if you can believe it:

"President Trump’s victories over ABC and CBS were monumental. As he emphatically stated of the results of the transformative legal actions:

Here, the legal brief mysteriously quotes one of Agent Orange’s babbling True Sociopath posts before it informs us, using a generative AI adjective for the ages:

Further, President Trump has also brought a powerhouse defamation suit against the The Wall Street Journal.

This, of course, is in reference to the Journal’s revelation that the worst human in history hung out extensively with the worst human in history in a powerhouse battle to see who could be the worst human in history.

The legal complaint even mentions the predator in chief’s childish drawing of a prepubescent girl and his pube signature, which nobody will ever be able to look upon again without gagging, now that we know its Nabokovian origin story.

I will not reproduce that drawing here. Y’all have seen enough of that shiz.

The document then makes its case for jurisdiction by including about fifteen paragraphs stating that, “Hey, the New York Times and Penguin sell stuff here, so the jurisdiction shouldn’t be where they are headquartered, it’s here in Florida.” I’m not a legal schmeagle, so I have no idea if that’s valid or not, but the argument seems fishy to me.

But, who cares? Because next, Agent Orange’s lawyers talk about…

…his dad!

President Trump’s late father, Fred C. Trump, was a legendary businessman and a patriot, who built over 27,000 apartments in New York City.

Do you think the judge even got this far? Surely by now, he decided the whole case should be dismissed.

I’m not sure how the next part jives with the mad buffoon’s claim as a self-made man, but maybe there’s an explainer in the document somewhere for that, too.

The document continues with Daddy's success, then with this flourish:

Fred Trump’s success was a major source of inspiration for President Trump and a catalyst for the Trump family’s overwhelming success going forward.

Next up? A list of buildings and some businesses he started. He doesn’t specify which of his businesses went bankrupt, but he finishes his list thusly:

USFL Football League (Team Owner); Miss Universe Organization; Miss USA; and Miss Teen USA.

Let’s talk about that Miss Teen USA pageant, shall we, your eminence? You know, how you famously burst into the dressing room of young teen contestants? No?

Yeah, no. You’re a disgusting pig, so let’s skip the vile stuff.

For some reason, his lawyers decided that including photos of various properties would build his case instead of making him look like the silly child that he is. So this part of the document is kind of Trump Towery. With photos.

Next, he lists a bunch of books he said he wrote. I don’t know what to make of the list. It’s long. I know he’s illiterate, so I don’t know how to comment here other than to offer my thoughts and prayers to the ghostwriters who probably didn’t get paid. So let’s move on.

Next, the lawyers write about various celebrity appearances.

President Trump’s hundreds of history-making media appearances and roles include: WrestleMania V (1989); Ghosts Can’t Do It (1989); All My Children (1992); Lady Boss (1992); Home Alone 2 (1992); Fallen Champ: The Untold Story of Mike Tyson (1993); Fresh Prince of Bel Air (1994); The Little Rascals (1994); Across the Sea of Time (1995); Eddie (1996); The Nanny (1996); The Associate (1996); The Drew Carey Show (1997); NightMan (1997); Spin City (1998);

Celebrity (1998); Sex In The City (1998); Miss Universe 2001 (2001); The Job (2001-2002); Zoolander (2001); Donald Trump Real Estate Tycoon! (2002) (video game); Two Weeks Notice (2002); Miss USA 2002 (2002); Ali G Show (2003); Marmalade (2004); Days of Our Lives (2005); Miss Universe Pageant; The Apprentice (2004-2015) and Celebrity Apprentice (2008-2015); Hosted Saturday Night Live (2015); Hosted WWE; and much more.

What. You saw “history-making media appearances” and were expecting “Apocalypse Now”?

Meme courtesy of the interwebs

Also. “Zoolander”? For realz?

I had to fact-check that one.

Yes, “Zoolander.” Life sucks. It was just a cameo, and it was 2001, so I guess we can forgive Ben Stiller for his inability to predict our terrible future.

You’d think the AI generator that created this 85-page masterpiece would be about finished, but I’m only 36 pages in.

I’m exhausted, aren’t you?

I think we should stop for the good of our health and well-being. I can’t afford a good shrink to help me recover from reading any more of it. Especially since the next graphic I encountered in the legal document, on page 36, was this one:

Eventually, they get to the point, on page 80, where they make their actual claim for relief.

By this time, the judge, if he got that far, was probably ready to bathe in the toxic sludge of one of Florida’s beaches.

But that’s another story:

Florida is Dying

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Notes

Thanks for reading!

You can find a full PDF of the case here.

1. The judge is giving them a chance to amend the complaint.