Obama Presidential Center Announces Plan to Acquire Trump Micropenis

Bold move is said to involve former Obama Secret Service officers

The Obama Foundation announced plans to acquire, preserve, and display Donald Trump’s micropenis at the Obama Presidential Center upon Trump’s death.

The plan, funded by a contribution from South Park co-creator Trey Parker, is expected to cost $30 million because of the complexity involved in the micropenis’ acquisition.

AI-generated children admire the unfinished Obama Presidential Center from afar; image by the Obama Foundation

A source familiar with the project, speaking on condition of anonymity, told Ruminato that Secret Service officers loyal to former president Barack Obama would assist in securing Trump’s cadaver long enough to extract the micropenis from the “many folds of fat and flesh surrounding it,” a process expected to be extremely difficult given the anticipated condition of the corpse.

Administrator of the Centers for Medicare & Medicaid Services Mehmet Oz and House and Human Services director RFK Jr. are said to have signed off on the plan, our sources say. “Dr. Oz thinks that the micropenis will serve as a reminder to young people throughout the country that you can overcome the stigmas associated with a micropenis,” said the source.

A spokesperson for RFK Jr. responded to a Ruminato inquiry by denying that RFK Jr. had assassinated Trump.

The micropenis will be unveiled during a prime time special hosted by Oprah Winfrey.

The tiny organ will be extracted using miniature cuticle scissors, then flown to a secure location until the Obama Presidential Center, located on the South Side of Chicago, is completed in 2026. The micropenis will be displayed in the Presidential Center’s museum.

Because of the organ’s small size, a projection system will render a larger image of the micropenis against a wall next to the display. “It isn’t safe to have museum attendees trying to lean into the glass to get a closer look at something you can barely see,” our source told Ruminato. “Our solution is to preserve the micropenis using a special solution imported from Egypt and project an image of it against the wall next to the display.”

The source went on to tell us that preserving the micropenis will be a bold declaration that “having a micropenis doesn’t mean you can’t be the biggest dick who ever lived.” In an attempt to humanize the micropenis for museum visitors revulsed by the concept, the micropenis will be fitted with a pair of miniature horn-rimmed glasses.

One of the biggest challenges for Secret Service officers will be acquiring the body and navigating it through cheering throngs upon Trump’s death. “They’ll all want a piece of him,” said the source. “Even, or maybe especially, the micropenis.”

Ruminato reached out to White House Chief of Staff Susan Wiles for comment. She responded with a terse email message that said, “Who the fuck are you?”

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