What follows is Saturday’s Iran news, but written as though it was slapped together by a White House intern who only works one Saturday per month.
The boss has another deal with Iran!
Hold on, I’ll make a graphic! Tell everybody!!!
(Editor’s note: Yes, this is a real graphic from the White House)
Isn’t it beautiful? Yay us!!! Largely negotiated again!!! Various other countries included! Bibi call went well! Final aspects going well and being discussed!
New York Times reporting it as if we wrote it for them! I love this job! Even though they don’t pay me!
Hey, lookeeeee! Bitcoin went up! Like, immediate and all that! Check it out, homies!
Everybody underestimates us! But not Bitcoin people! Smart people. Yay, Bitcoin! Call Joe Rogan!
Wait, what the hell is this? What are those Iranian bastards doing????!!!
Issue a statement! Issue a statement!!!!
Ok, that should help. Whew. Release to all media outlets! Stat!!!!!
Crisis averted!! Polls still at 37% approval! Word is that boss is planning farm subsidies! Go team!
Wait, wait, wait. What? No! No! Nooooooooo! But I only released my cool graphic an hour or so ago.
So you’re telling me that Iran is saying the boss is making stuff up again?
Okay, let’s think this through. Is Kash still not taking my calls after I yelled at him for hitting on me? Screw it, I’m texting him anyway.
Hi Kash. It’s okay. I know you were drunk. Water under the bridge. Did you know about the Iran shit?
Okay, Kash says he’s got a fix in. I’ll issue a press release!
Shots fired! Shots fired!!! Deflect! Deflect!
That poor gunman. I hope we paid him well.
Okay, hopefully everybody forgets that whole business about Iran.
Hey, what about Bitcoin!??? Still at 76.75?
Nice job, Kash!
What, Kash? No!!! That would be inappropriate. I’m only 17.
Fine. I quit.
Polymarket sure had a crazy day, Bob.
Dad, can I borrow $100,000? I’ll pay it back in three days! Promise! Love you, Dad!
And that, my friends, is Saturday’s Iran news summary.
BREAKING UPDATE
According to Politico’s sanewashed story on this (Headline: “A turning point in the war?” Lolz), the adults in the Republican room are having a very adult conversation about whatever this is:
There was nothing vague about Mike Pompeo’s criticism: He said it seemed to “[p]ay the IRGC to build a WMD program and terrorize the world.”
“Mike Pompeo has no idea what the fuck he’s talking about,” White House communications director Steven Cheung wrote.
“No one asked you bro,” Alex Bruesewitz shot back at Sen. Ted Cruz’s (R-Texas) concern about the deal. “Hush, child. The adults are talking,” Cruz responded. “I’m not your ‘bro.’” Bruesewitz had the last word: “Sorry you’re still salty that I prevented you from getting a picture with Nicki Minaj after you came running after her like a school girl. You’re going to get wiped out in 2028, clown.”
I love ‘MeriKa, don’t you?
Let us pray on this Sunday that the grifter in chief sleeps in most of the day. Or better yet, Mother Nature rewards us for our suffering.
Thanks for reading!
Apparently, no one has yet to place a bet on "largely, nearly, almost, it could be, it is, it isn't, it's over, we win, we're winning, they're losing, they lost negotiating."
"We'll have the best health plan in 2 weeks!"