Scientist Confirms That the Trump Cult Is an Alien Invasion

This is the real reason why you shouldn't have family political arguments during tonight's debate

Dr. Harry Hemogoblin III. Image licensed from Adobe Stock

As some of you know, although I’m not technically a reporter, I could play one on TV if I could act.

My reputation on various online platforms and as an author is now solid enough that I’ve established a rapport with some of the world's finest biologists. One of them, Dr. Harry Hemogoblin III, has made the astounding discovery that Trump is the point man of an invasion from outer space.

When you think about it, what other explanation exists for what has happened to many of our families?

What else explains this?

Screenshot from fivethirtyeight.com presidential 2024 general election poll; image of alien licensed from Adobe Stock; image manipulation by aliens

Clearly, the infestation has grown.

According to Dr. Hemogoblin, the aliens aren’t using the pyrotechnics we see from Hollywood CGI to take us over. They’re using earworms to spread across the planet as people get snatched in the middle of the night in their sleep.

Dr. Hemogoblin’s discovery would never have happened had a friend not sent him this irrefutable filmed footage of an actual implant:

In a short Q&A, I asked Dr. Hemogoblin some probing questions about the invasion.

Me: Dr. Hemogoblin, when did this invasion begin?

Dr. Hemogoblin: January 20, 2017

Me: That’s very specific. How did you arrive at that date?

Dr. Hemogoblin: Seriously?

Me: Can you tell me about the biology of this worm?

Dr. Hemogoblin: My colleagues and I had the opportunity to study one that miraculously fell out of the ear of one of the January 6 insurrectionists after he was sentenced to prison. It is a marvel of biological and computational science, far beyond our capabilities.

It burrows into the brain, where it releases nanobots that provide instructions to its host.

Me: What kind of instructions?

Dr. Hemogoblin: Well this gets to the crux of the matter, doesn’t it? Your readers might ask themselves: When did she or he change? My father/mother used to be easy to talk to. But now, they no longer listen to reason and are completely shut down from rational debate.

The reason for this is quite simple. The worm eliminates this capacity. And, from what we have been able to determine, victims will only pay attention to voices emanating from Fox News and a host of bizarre news channels and podcasts.

Me: How is that possible?

Dr. Hemogoblin: The worm passes instructions consisting of a white list of auditory signatures that are acceptable for thought consumption. For example, Hannity. The worm intercepts the audio of a talking head, evaluates its wave signature, and if it doesn’t match the white list, rejects it entirely.

Me: That’s incredible.

Dr. Hemogoblin: It’s also, obviously, the only explanation. Mind if I take a look at your ear? I’d like to run a quick DNA test.

Me: Put that cotton swab away, you freak. So, doctor, help me understand why this is spreading. One poll shows Trump with 48% of the vote. I don’t think 48% of the country watches Fox News.

Dr. Hemogoblin: As the infestation has spread, the aliens appear to have upgraded the worm. We are now experiencing Worm 2.0. With this upgrade, the worm simply passes very simple instructions that say things like, “Immigration!” and that’s enough to shut down all rational thought.

Another keyword: “Inflation!” Always with the exclamation point.

Even though history shows that inflation is never caused by a president. Doesn’t matter. The worm’s capacity for mind manipulation is starting to infect younger people now. It has also added a new instruction, “Gaza!” as if the current Democratic candidate invented that problem.

Me: So you’re saying that Americans aren’t currently choosing the importance of the price of goods over fascism? That it’s a form of mind control?

Dr. Hemogoblin: It’s more than that. The worm has managed to inform them that inflation is still out of control when it isn’t, to make them forget that Trump was responsible for a million plus deaths during the pandemic, and to affix blame on the toilet paper shortage on the Biden administration, which fixed that pre-existing condition issue rather than caused it.

Me: I’m really glad I no longer need to fold a small sheet of toilet paper multiple times to find a way to take care of business.

Dr. Hemogoblin: Precisely. You’ll also notice that your wages have probably gone up considerably.

Me: I’m a writer.

Dr. Hemogoblin: Oh. Sorry. Have you considered a career with UPS? You could stop wearing those raggedy T-shirts. You could also try begging for paid Substack subscriptions, although from what I am seeing… (coughs).

Me: I don’t need your damned career advice, doc. We’re all about to die. Anyway, it sounds like you’re saying that the worm is inducing selective memory.

Dr. Hemogoblin: Indeed. It has erased Americans’ memory of Trump’s criminal handling of the pandemic or of how he laid down the seeds for the Gaza issue when he moved the American embassy to Jerusalem and played footsies with Netanyahu. They have forgotten that Trump would be doing photo ops with Netanyahu in a bulldozer mowing down Palestinian homes if he could.

Me: You sound rather political. Are you sure you’re a scientist?

Dr. Hemogoblin: I’m just reporting the facts of the selective memory process that the worm has initiated. It’s quite clear what is happening.

Me: Can you explain the process the aliens use to spread their infestation?

Dr. Hemogoblin: This has been a challenge for us. In its early phases, we assumed that the disease was spread through a form of audio markers, as it were, triggered by Sean Hannity broadcasts, which indicated to the mothership that an individual was ripe for infestation.

We believe that as the invasion has progressed, they’re using classic snatching techniques in the middle of the night, which has been a technique aliens have used for many years.

Me: I always thought people who reported that were just kind of cray-cray.

Dr. Hemogoblin: That’s always been the consensus, but as we’ve discovered with the introduction of JD Vance to the mix, the concept of cray-cray has changed, and it’s fair to say that people reporting alien abductions come off as quite rational compared to our friends and family who have been captured and are now hosting this worm.

Me: One more question, doctor. What is the ultimate goal of these invaders?

Dr. Hemogoblin: Our theory is that the aliens who developed the earworms believe that instituting a general level of insanity on a population makes them easier to pacify, control, and possibly, consume.

Me: As in, eat?

Dr. Hemogoblin: Chomp, chomp.

Me: Thank you Dr. Hemogoblin. And stop pointing that cotton swab in my direction.

The lesson for tonight’s debate? Remember what your infected family members have gone through when you argue with them on Discord about our current mess. That worm looks painful.

When they blast inanities into your ear while you’re on the phone with them, if you must correct them, correct them gently. They aren’t themselves, and it’s not their fault they won’t listen to reason.

Anyhoo, in the long run, it doesn’t matter. Dr. Hemogoblin tells me there is no way to stop the infestation.

Soon, one of those among us will be the last one left:

Thanks for reading. For more on our National Emergency, check out this apocalyptic short story about a reporter who goes missing after Trump’s re-election. That one’s not trying to be funny:

NOTES

Apologies for the scientist stereotype. These days, the scientific community is filled with many amazing women. I frequently read about their discoveries and contributions in journals like Nature and Science. But I thought the image was kind of cute, so that’s that.

Image of flying saucer licensed from Adobe Stock.

This is satire. If there is really a Dr. Hemogoblin out there, I haven’t met him, although I think I’d like to.