The Sandwich Warrior and the Next Phase of Our Fight

I did my homework, and this is how we win

According to the New York Times today:¹

Federal prosecutors on Tuesday were unable to persuade a grand jury to approve a felony indictment against a man who threw a sandwich at a federal agent on the streets of Washington this month, according to two people familiar with the matter.

This is yuge news for the resistance.

It means that sandwiches are officially a legal weapon to fend off enemy agents of ICE, most of whom are now being recruited from the criminal depths of America.

Image licensed from Adobe Stock

The hero of the hour is a paralegal (he knew what he was doing!) named Sean C. Dunn (not to be confused with Substack’s great pacifist,

Scott C. Dunn

, who would not approve of my proposal here), who threw a submarine sandwich at a Customs and Border Protection “officer” (I use the term “officer” reluctantly because it conveys respect).

(too many parentheses this early, this fast? — let me know in the comments!)

When ICE agents gather in your neighborhood, here is my proposal:

Gather everyone. We all hate them. No exceptions, not really. Even Republicans hate them, even if they won’t admit it.

Bring sandwiches. Lots of them. Throw them.

Many of you know that I despise the use of AI, but I made an exception and asked for sandwich recommendations. ChatGPT eagerly provided several:

Here are five gloriously sloppy sandwiches for a food fight:

1. Sloppy Joe – Ground beef (or lentils, if vegetarian), simmered in sweet-tangy sauce, guaranteed to fly everywhere in saucy chunks.

2. Meatball Sub with Extra Marinara – Huge meatballs swimming in tomato sauce inside a flimsy roll—one toss and it’s a Jackson Pollock painting in red. (author’s note: The Jackson Pollack metaphor is so AI)

3. Pulled Pork BBQ Sandwich – Shredded meat drenched in smoky barbecue sauce—sticky, stringy, and impossible to keep contained.

4. Egg Salad Sandwich – Soft, mushy filling that splats on impact and oozes out even before the first throw.

5. Peanut Butter, Banana, and Honey Sandwich – Gooey, sticky, and slow-motion messy, perfect for smears and smudges.

It then asked me if I’d like more options:

Would you like me to dream up a few unexpected messy sandwiches (stranger combos that would also splatter spectacularly), or are you good with the classics?

I said yes.

Alright, here are five unexpectedly messy sandwiches that would make for absolute mayhem in a food fight:

1. Mac & Cheese Grilled Cheese – Gooey pasta and molten cheese squeezed between toasted bread—one squeeze and it’s a lava flow of cheddar.

2. French Fry Poutine Sandwich – Fries, cheese curds, and gravy stuffed in a roll. The gravy alone is a guaranteed floor hazard.

3. Chili Dog Sub – A hot dog loaded with chili, cheese, and onions inside a hoagie roll—basically a hand-held explosion.

4. Ice Cream Sandwich (Giant, Melting Version) – Not the cookie kind—actual sandwich bread stuffed with scoops of ice cream and whipped cream. Melts fast, drips faster.

5. Lasagna Sandwich – A slab of saucy lasagna wedged inside bread. Gravity does not permit this to stay intact for more than 0.5 seconds.

I can’t believe I just asked y’all to read ChatGPT slop about slop.

Anyhoo, here’s more:

Want me to escalate and come up with the single messiest “boss-level” sandwich weapon of them all?

“Hell, yes.”

The Triple-Decker Chili Cheese Sundae Sandwich

• Bottom layer: A chili dog smashed flat, chili and cheese oozing out the sides.

• Middle layer: A slab of lasagna, sauce and ricotta dripping like lava.

• Top layer: A scoop of ice cream with hot fudge and sprinkles, between two slices of brioche.

Held together (barely) with skewers, this monstrosity is unstable from the moment it’s built. Throw it, and it doesn’t hit—it detonates, spraying sauce, cheese, chili, fudge, and sprinkles in every direction like a culinary fireworks show.

Great. Now I’ve joined the dark side, too.

I’m only half joking with all this.

If grand juries won’t indict us for throwing food at the enemy, then we no longer have a reason not to do it. Imagine a crowd of 100 or so throwing slop at these idiots.

It’s better than throwing shoes.

Iraqi shoe thower downloaded from Giphy

On a more serious note, it isn’t easy for prosecutors to lose a grand jury indictment. They have all the cards. They get to present the evidence in any way they see fit. The defense is not present in any way. There is no defense attorney to present countervailing evidence on behalf of the defendant.

And yet, the sycophants who remain at the Justice Department have been failing repeatedly to obtain grand jury indictments in cases involving conflicts with federal agents in Los Angeles and Washington, D.C.

This is because grand juries are made from pools of ordinary citizens, like other juries. They are us.

One heroic woman, Sidney Lori Reid, was indicted three times after an altercation with a federal agent outside a jail in Washington, D.C., when a federal agent scuffed the back of her hand while trying to force Ms. Reid to back away.²

Three different federal grand juries said, “Nope.”

There have been more failures than this. And there will continue to be more after this.

The law is not on the side of fascism, even if the sycophants on the Supreme Court and in Congress are.

Thanks for reading!

Footnotes

1. Feuer, Alan, Devlin Barrett, and William K Rashbaum. 2025. “Prosecutors Fail to Secure Indictment against Man Who Threw Sandwich at Federal Agent.” Nytimes.com. The New York Times. August 27, 2025. https://www.nytimes.com/2025/08/27/us/politics/trump-sandwich-assault-indictment-justice-department.html?unlocked_article_code=1.hU8.Q4e_.INvx2TtBQJzs.

2. Fischer, Jordan. 2025. “Third Grand Jury Refuses to Indict DC Woman Accused of Assaulting Agent during ICE Arrest.” Wusa9.com. WUSA. August 25, 2025. https://www.wusa9.com/article/news/crime/for-third-time-grand-jury-refuses-to-indict-dc-woman-accused-of-assaulting-agent-during-ice-arrest-jeanine-pirro-sidney-reid-sandwich-guy/65-785e2e30-46cf-4e90-b81a-9e9c219c6750.

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