Breaking Satire... Kristi Noem's Cannibal Invited to State of the Union Address
He will sit next to Kristi and devour her during the twelve hour speech
Once again, Ruminato, the world’s greatest news service, has a worldwide exclusive.
Our award-winning reporters (I gave one of them an old Cracker Jack toy) have learned that Kristi Noem’s cannibal has been invited to tonight’s State of the Union Speech, where he will sit next to Noem. And then eat her.
In an exclusive interview, I asked The Cannibal (known only as The Cannibal) about the surprise honor.
But first, this background
You may not have heard about The Cannibal. Lucky you.
According to The Intercept and other sources, but quoting The Intercept:
Homeland Security Secretary Kristi Noem told a preposterous story demonizing immigrants in high-profile public remarks alongside President Donald Trump and on Fox News last summer, about a cannibal who ate other people and then, on his Immigration and Customs Enforcement deportation flight, began to eat himself.
Even more fun are some of her quotes. Real quotes, not, you know, satire.
In an interview, Noem told Fox’s Jesse Watters: “You know, what bothered me the most is that this US Marshal just said it like it was normal.”
Right? Shocking! Maybe he needs a day off?
Then Kristi continued with: ‘He said he was literally eating his own arms. That is what he did. He called himself a cannibal and ate other people and ate himself that day.”
Question for all you Magats out there: What is with your tribe’s fascination with eating humans and pets?
Anyhoo, back to The Intercept:
At the time, The Intercept was unable to substantiate any part of the tale.
You, ummm, investigated this? Stop asking me for money, you freaks. But also, more please:
Now, three officials from federal law enforcement agencies — including Noem’s own Department of Homeland Security — with knowledge of the allegations say the entire story was fabricated.
I love The Intercept!
“It is completely false,” said one senior law enforcement official who is familiar with the allegation but not authorized to speak publicly on the subject.
It would be funny if they were authorized to speak publicly on the subject. The regime is already a horror comedy, but encouraging its various participants to go public with their various thoughts and prayers would formalize it into Monty Python territory, and maybe we could all get back to work.
We have discovered the truth. The Intercept is wrong. The Cannibal eats everything in sight. And I interviewed him so my perpetually curious readers can learn more about his plans for tonight’s big event that nobody with an ounce of sanity is watching.
Programming note: If you chose the last option in the poll, you can grab a copy here.
Interview with a cannibal
Okay, then. On with the interview.
Me: Thank you for joining us at Ruminato world headquarters.
Cannibal: Who the hell are you people? And why did you choose a Waffle House for the interview? I deserve better. A steakhouse, maybe. At least a nice, red, juicy steak. Preferably uncooked.
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Me: We’ve learned you’ve received a last-minute invite to tonight’s State of the Union. What are your plans while there?
Cannibal (chewing on fingernails and whispering): Off the record?
Me: Of course!
Cannibal: They’ve been trying for weeks to find a way to get rid of Noem. (winks)
Me: Please clarify.
Cannibal (still whispering): They are unhappy with the bad publicity she’s creating.
Me: Only the bad publicity?
Cannibal: Of course. The rest of it is fine. They’ve asked me for a fix they can spin in their favor on TV. They told me to do something salacious. They love salacious.
Me: So what will you do?
Cannibal: Well, first, I’ll start by gently inserting her index finger into my mouth. You know, just to entice her a bit. To lure her, as you might say, into my lifestyle.
Me: I’m not sure I like where this is going.
Cannibal: Then, I’ll softly kiss the back of her neck, like I’m watching Beetlejuice with Lauren Boebert.
Me (shifting uncomfortably): Can we just get to the end?
Cannibal: It’s a happy ending, so sure. Bottom line, I will spend the twelve hours or so of the speech slowly consuming Kristi. Fox News has promised a special camera, just for me. Hannity will provide the blow-by-blow.
Me: Hannity? As in Hannibal Hannity?
Cannibal: I think so.
Me: Will there be any special moments during the State of the Union you anticipate will inspire you to chomp bigger bites out of Kristi than others?
Cannibal: I’m so glad you asked that question. By the way, you have very nice fingers. The rest of you is pretty emaciated, though. Yuck.
Me: I’m a writer. Most of us are lucky to find a stalk of celery at the bottom of the vegetable bin in the fridge.
Cannibal: We need to fatten you up.
Me: Shuddup and answer my question.
Cannibal: What was the question? Oh, right. What moments during the speech will trigger an extra happy chomp? Well, I guess anything mentioning Hegseth. He makes me want to eat people.
Me: I see. Why is that?
Cannibal: Or Kash Patel. Same thing.
Me: Makes sense I guess.
Cannibal: Or Pam Bondi. Or Rubio, mostly though, he makes me think of Jello. Howard Lutnick is too gross even to contemplate, what with all that EpshTeen business.
RFK Jr. He makes me ravenous. I could eat a tiger cub just hearing him say the word “Measles.” I hope he says something about the Secretary of Education, Linda McMahon. I love pro wrestling. Really gets my juices flowing. Russell Vought, there’s someone who makes me feel more homicidal than hungry. I hope he doesn’t say anything about him.
Me: He won’t. The dumbass still thinks we don’t know about Project 2025.
Cannibal: He’ll say something about Tulsi Gabbard, right? She sort of makes me want to drink blood.
Me: I can relate. But you know, at this rate, Kristi’s going to be fully, ummmm, cannibalized long before the speech is over. Then what?
Cannibal: Hannity has told me I can have Steve Doocy.
Notes
I hope you appreciated the handy guide (satire/not satire) I included with this post. These days, as you know, it’s very difficult to tell the difference.
Thanks for reading! I’m working on something more serious, I promise. Stay healthy! Do not watch the State of the Union even at gunpoint.
I don't know if this timeline we're in is satire or some Marvel comic alternate universe CERN threw us into a few years back.
This is satire.
This is STILL satire. 😂
There’s a gem in virtually every sentence.
👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏