The Laws of Waffle House Fighting According to Moses
Why are Bible Belters no longer following the Holy Laws?
Sometimes we get lost in the glassy-eyed delirium of trying to keep up with the malfeasant maneuverings of the orange grove of live pus that has seeped out of the Oval Office, infested the White House Rose Garden, and spread into the brains of 77 million Americans and the entire media infrastructure of the U.S.
But we can’t lose track of the important things during these trying times.
The things that matter.
Like Waffle House fighting.
Waffle House fighting has long been a thing in the South after 11 pm or so. But reports from the trenches are hinting that many of its traditional rules are no longer being followed.
So, in honor of the South and its Bible-based traditions, I’d like to provide this quick guide to a few basic Waffle House fighting rules according to Moses, who knew a thing or two about wanton violence.
These traditional rules, based on specific Bible passages, have been in place for decades. It’s important that you become familiar with them if you find yourself in a Waffle House late at night.
As yet another one of my many services to my readers, I am listing them here along with explainers. Not mansplainers, so much. I call them Godsplainers. As a Christian man myself, I have strictly followed them for many years.
Because these come directly from the Bible, they must be obeyed.
Caution: Some rules are unclear.
Rule Number One: Ladies: Keep your hands off the Johnson
When men fight with one another and the wife of the one draws near to rescue her husband from the hand of him who is beating him and puts out her hand and seizes him by the private parts, then you shall cut off her hand. Your eye shall have no pity.
— Deuteronomy 23:11–12
I’m not sure if this means that if you’re the wife, you should just stay out of the fracas, or if the Waffle House should make it a point to provide easy access to a nice-sized cleaver. Maybe both?
Rule Number Two: No groin kicks
No one whose testicles are crushed or whose male organ is cut off shall enter the assembly of the Lord.
— Deuteronomy 23:1
Many Waffle House fights end in busted balls, and it’s fair to say that for many, a Waffle House also serves as an assembly of the Lord. So no groin kicks, please.
Rule Number Three: Thou shalt not masturbate prior to a Waffle House Fight
If any man among you becomes unclean because of a nocturnal emission, then he shall go outside the camp.
— Deuteronomy 23:10
The camp being, of course, the Waffle House. Besides, it’s kind of uncouth to spank the monkey and go out to eat waffles right after. I don’t know why. Just is.
Rule Number Four: No fighting in drag
“A woman shall not wear a man’s garment, nor shall a man put on a woman’s cloak, for whoever does these things is an abomination to the Lord your God.
— Deuteronomy 23:10
Believe it or not, there are places in the south, like Nashville or Atlanta, where a fight may really break out between people in drag in a Waffle House. This is an abomination before the Lord.
Rule Number Five: The adulterer always loses
If a man is found lying with the wife of another man, both of them shall die, the man who lay with the woman, and the woman.
— Deuteronomy 22:22
This is a complex one. It probably involves the use of smartphones. Let’s say Jimmy is kicking Johnny’s ass. If Johnny is down for the count, then it’s the responsibility of Waffle House patrons to get on social media and make sure Jimmy isn’t having an affair with Johnny’s wife. If it turns out he is:
I’ve always wanted an excuse to use the same picture in a Substack essay twice.
Rule Number Six: If you win a fight and grab a girl, take her to the nail salon
When you go out to war against your enemies, and the Lord your God gives them into your hand and you take them captive, and you see among the captives a beautiful woman, and you desire to take her to be your wife, and you bring her home to your house, she shall shave her head and pare her nails.
— Deuteronomy 21:10
This is why there used to be so many nail salons next to Waffle Houses in the South. Sadly, these have been replaced with liquor stores.
Rule Number Seven: Send that bad boy to the Waffle House
If a man has a stubborn and rebellious son who will not obey the voice of his father or the voice of his mother, and, though they discipline him, will not listen to them, then his father and his mother shall take hold of him and bring him out to the elders of his city at the gate of the place where he lives, and they shall say to the elders of his city, ‘This our son is stubborn and rebellious; he will not obey our voice; he is a glutton and a drunkard.’ Then all the men of the city shall stone him to death with stones.
— Deuteronomy 21:18
That lengthy rule looks more complicated than it is, and it’s reasonable to just update it by saying that if your son is a dick, send him to the Waffle House. It’ll be handled there.
Rule Number Eight: Resolve all disputes at the Waffle House
A single witness shall not suffice against a person for any crime or for any wrong in connection with any offense that he has committed. Only on the evidence of two witnesses or of three witnesses shall a charge be established.
— Deuteronomy 19:15
This is where the tradition of Waffle House fighting began in the first place. You’ll always have witnesses to a Waffle House fight.
Rule Number Nine: No bathroom breaks
When any man has a discharge from his body, his discharge is unclean… And whoever touches the body of the one with the discharge shall wash his clothes and bathe himself in water and be unclean until the evening.
— Leviticus 15:2, 11
Okay, so, we obviously don’t have time for bathroom breaks during a Waffle House fight, because it means if you take a piss, and the other guy hits you, the other guy has to take his clothes off and take a bath. Have you ever tried doing that in a Waffle House? So try not to fight with a full bladder.
Rule Number Ten: No vampires allowed
I will set my face against that person who eats blood and will cut him off from among his people.
Leviticus 17:10
This is why vampires never participate in Waffle Houses fights. They’re there. But they just watch and take notes.
Notice I didn’t call this a listicle or a top ten rules thingy. I hate listicles. Don’t you?
There are more, of course, but if you can’t get past these basic rules, you’ll never survive a Waffle House fight, anyway, so I don’t see the point in telling you about them.
I hope this slice of humor helped a bit during this crazy time. If not, meet me at the Waffle House. We can chat about it there.
Notes
Speaking of vampires, have you read my dark comedy, Psalm of Vampires? It’s available in paperback, hardcover, and here on Ruminato by means of serialized chapters, free to all subscribers:
I don’t know if there’s a charge for the full version of From Dusk Till Dawn. I didn’t look. But it’s not an affiliate link. I don’t do that kind of stuff.
This piece was “inspired” (using the term loosely) by this SNL skit:
Thanks for reading!
Maggots … trump caused Waffle House prices to rise 20% … where are you going to take your wife on Valentine’s Day now?
This is a photo of the Trump Library, where nothing more substantial is read than a Waffle House menu.