Did you know castration can extend the male lifespan by 30%?
True story.
That’s why, in the wake of last week’s most exciting Midterm elections slaughter, I’ve decided to cash in with some slaughter of my own.
Introducing Castration Station
According to Science Magazine, tech bros chasing the longevity dream are complicating things by looking for DNA and other tech tricks when the solution is right in front of their faces, and has been for a long time:1
Removing the testicles extends male life span across many mammalian species, including humans. But a research team exploring this effect has now found the surgical procedure doesn’t have to be performed early in life to boost longevity, as scientists had assumed. In a new preprint, the group reports that neutering older male mice lengthens their lives by more than 30%, upending prevailing ideas of how the testes influence aging.
I’ve teamed up with Ruminato’s vast legal and business network (this is mostly a guy named Stu, who lives with his mom in Flatbush) to create Castration Station, a chain of drive-throughs where longevity-hungry men can get their scallops chopped so they can live longer.
Our first franchisee is a lady named Greta, who spent most of the last two years volunteering for a few political organizations to wrest control of Texas away from Republicans.
Her most recent professional position was as a sausage maker in Armadillo, Texas. She says she’s ready, and qualified, for her new adventure.
We here at Ruminato think so, too.
Greta believes that there is enough of an underserved market for this service that she is opening her first franchise in Cupertino, California, for tech bros interested in biohacking (a fun term in light of this development), but sees an opportunity for attracting disaffected MAGA cult members, as well, who might, with the right marketing, understand the obvious benefits to the new service.
I’ll let Greta explain:
“Many of the men in MAGA are incels. So they have no obvious need for testicles. But on the off chance that Thiel and his friends invent other, shall we say, less invasive techniques for extending life, we all know that the typical MAGA male will not be able to afford the procedures. This allows them to join the longevity crowd anyway. It also gives them a shortcut.”
At this point in the conversation I had with Greta, she giggled, then continued:
“MAGA customers can even say they are ahead of the curve on life extension technology. Beating tech bros at their own game. It’s also about owning the elites and libs. The marketing possibilities are really endless. We can say things in our Taboola internet ads like, ‘Libs are afraid of this one easy longevity hack.’
“Those kinds of ads will be like catnip.”
Since she’s our first franchisee, we are giving Greta a lot of discretion on such things as pricing: “Less than a used Cybertruck but more than a 12-pack of Bud Light.”
Greta said she plans to open several Castration Stations in the South after the Cupertino flagship is launched.
Meanwhile, the Science article adds:
The female longevity advantage “is one of the most robust features of human biology,” says biogerontologist Steve Austad of the University of Alabama at Birmingham.
I remember an old ad for Chiffon margarine: “It’s not nice to fool mother nature.”
Maybe I’ll skip this one.
Sorry, Greta.
I’m not sure extending the life of us crazy men is such a grand idea, after all.
Notes
If Greta looks familiar to you, it’s because I recycled a picture from this post from the Wayback Machine:
The Laws of Waffle House Fighting According to Moses
Sometimes we get lost in the glassy-eyed delirium of trying to keep up with the malfeasant maneuverings of the orange grove of live pus that has seeped out of the Oval Office, infested the White House Rose Garden, and spread into the brains of 77 million Americans and the entire media infrastructure of the U.S.
All base images are licensed from Adobe Stock.
Thanks for reading!
You can now purchase a PDF of all my Substack Fiction. Only $4.99. That’s less than a Starbucks Venti Latte.
Enter SUBSCRIBER_SPECIAL to get a 20 percent discount.
It’s also now available on Amazon/Kindle in ebook, paperback, and hardcover formats (the Kindle version is free if you have Kindle Unlimited):
If you are a paid subscriber, it’s available free as a Perk. Just go to the “Perks” page via the web page menu to find it.
You can help me reach more people by subscribing (paid or free), sharing, restacking, and commenting.
Footnotes
“Castration Extends Life Span, but in a Surprising Way, Mouse Study Suggests.” AAAS Articles DO Group, November 2, 2026. https://doi.org/10.1126/science.zdnxao9.
I really think mice need a labor movement of some kind.
I think MAGA is going to go nuts for this service, if they have the balls to follow through. But you can't just dangle this one service site in front of them, they'll sack the joint trying to get their cut. If they never get their slice, I'm sure they'll be testy. All around it's a hairy situation and I just hope MAGA has the stones not to taint the whole process with some ballsy demands. I'm not even sure you should have let this out of the bag, but I do have a question: will these service stations accept tips?
Any franchise in Washington D. C. would quickly go bankrupt. Republicans in Congress and Dems Schumer and Jeffries already have no balls.