Why I’m Applying to Be an ICE Stormtrooper

It's a shocking development, but it'll make me feel good

Aug 12, 2026

Image of the G.L.O.V.E. superimposed over threatening electrical charges — Screenshot of the glove product from the company website

When I saw that ICE was going to use some of its $39 billion in funding for the 2026 fiscal year to purchase gloves that electrocute people, I finally said, “Damn, give me some of that action.”1

Their endless recruiting drive has finally reached this old white dude through a pair of gloves. God, how I love America.

Also? This is NOT Satire. These are real things that ICE is loading up on.

Here’s how the gloves work

ICE stormtroopers do their usual thing where they sling their darkened SUV in front of an unsuspecting motorist at an intersection. They jump out of the SUV and approach the vehicle, body cams off, of course, if they have them, face coverings on.

They open the door, turn on an easily accessible switch on their glove, and boom! The glove turns into an electrocution device.

Image of G.L.O.V.E product — Screen capture from G.L.O.V.E. product manual; fair use claim

They then pull the driver out of their vehicle and electrocute them while doing so. And Ukrainian President Zelenskyy thinks he’s hot shit with his drones. He’s got nothing on ICE, let me tell ya.

The devices are called G.L.O.V.E by their clever manufacturer, Compliant Technologies LLC of Lexington, Kentucky, which advertises itself as a manufacturer of “non-lethal” (unless you use them wrong) compliance tools.2

I am old, hear me roar

G.L.O.V.E. stands for “Generated Low Output Voltage Emitter.” How low is that output? According to the company, per AP:3

The gloves must be applied directly to someone’s skin to deliver a pain stimulus that typically helps an officer gain compliance within seconds, according to the company.

Did you say, “within seconds?” And “pain stimulus????!” Sign me up! I might even start drinking again so I can hang out in bars wearing the gloves and an old man’s “get off my lawn” attitude. Who says you can’t have fun during your twilight years?

Or maybe I can add a distinctive touch to the role of Walmart greeter. The possibilities are endless.

ICE even gives the gloves a funny, Orwellian name: “conductive distraction and de-escalation devices.”

I personally prefer “Buzz Gloves,” ICE, but you do you.

The Buzz Gloves are just a tiny part of the ICE budget: $20 million, which tells me ICE has got all sorts of other fun stuff planned for the inner sadist in me.

I decided to check out the handy user manual for the gloves, and wow, was I pleased. Just the first page was a delight:4

Screenshot of user manual that says CD3 Technology is not risk free and should be treated seriously like any other weapon. Follow all laws, agency policies, and Tactics, Techniques, and Procedures (TTPs) when deploying the G.L.O.V.E. CD3. 2.2 TERMS May result in injury or death if not followed or observed

I can imagine the DHS (Department of Homeland Security) spokesperson after the first fatality: “The illegal and criminal immigrant was resisting arrest and threatening our patriotic officers. Reports of the officer choking the criminal while attempting to restrain her are inaccurate. We regret that her nine-year-old child also expired when she tried to intervene, but this is a reminder that if you are an illegal alien, we will find you, and we will arrest you.”

What other goodies await me in the user manual? Well, after that promising start, I decided to dig in.

I skipped all the way to section 6.3 of the manual because it looked like the most fun:

Agitated Chaotic Event (ACE) previously known as Excited Delirium Syndrome (ExDS) and Suicidal Considerations

Agitated chaotic event is basically my middle name, so I rushed to that section like a MAGAt sniffing out bad crypto. That part was slightly disappointing, but as I scrolled down, I noticed this section just before it:

6.2 PHYSIOLOGICAL CONSIDERATIONS
CD3s may increase the affects that can cause sudden death including physiological changes with:
• Increase in blood pressure
• Changes in blood chemistry
• Increase in respiration and heart rates
• Changes in heart rhythm
• Increase in Adrenaline
• The longer the CD3 exposure, the greater the potential risk

Can I just say here that a manual stating, “The longer the CD3 exposure, the greater the potential risk,” will be like catnip to my fellow sadists in my new job?

If this product doesn’t help recruitment among my fellow white male brethren living in fear of the extinction of the mighty white race, as well as all men, I don’t know what will.

Oh! Maybe this:

Buzz Vests!

The company that makes G.L.O.V.E. also makes a nice little vest to help transport those nasty, squirmy illegal aliens to far-off places they’ve never heard of.

Jet with 'Stephen Millier Express' label on it — Image by author using public domain images; **No AI**

Or maybe just by transport van to a domestic concentration camp. Either way, with that budget, we can be pretty sure they’ll all be wearing Buzz Vests.

Time for a test

I hope you’ve had your morning coffee or are otherwise alert, because I’m going to give you a little test.

It’s not as difficult as those crazy hard cognitive tests they give the caterer-in-chief every few days, but it’s pretty damn difficult.

The instructions: examine this E-vest marketing GIF below and let us know in the comments what you think the vest does.

Notes

The manual also includes this bit of info, which I’ll include verbatim to stimulate the comment section:

The G.L.O.V.E. SHALL NOT be deployed for any of the following:

Verbal defiance or belligerence
Punishment
Torture
Horse play
Avoid using the G.L.O.V.E. against certain portions of the population to include:
The elderly
Small children
Pregnant women
The severely handicapped

If they think I’m buying these things and not using them for horseplay, they’re crazy.