Why I’m Applying to Be an ICE Stormtrooper
It's a shocking development, but it'll make me feel good
When I saw that ICE was going to use some of its $39 billion in funding for the 2026 fiscal year to purchase gloves that electrocute people, I finally said, “Damn, give me some of that action.”1
Their endless recruiting drive has finally reached this old white dude through a pair of gloves. God, how I love America.
Also? This is NOT Satire. These are real things that ICE is loading up on.
Here’s how the gloves work
ICE stormtroopers do their usual thing where they sling their darkened SUV in front of an unsuspecting motorist at an intersection. They jump out of the SUV and approach the vehicle, body cams off, of course, if they have them, face coverings on.
They open the door, turn on an easily accessible switch on their glove, and boom! The glove turns into an electrocution device.
They then pull the driver out of their vehicle and electrocute them while doing so. And Ukrainian President Zelenskyy thinks he’s hot shit with his drones. He’s got nothing on ICE, let me tell ya.
The devices are called G.L.O.V.E by their clever manufacturer, Compliant Technologies LLC of Lexington, Kentucky, which advertises itself as a manufacturer of “non-lethal” (unless you use them wrong) compliance tools.2
I am old, hear me roar
G.L.O.V.E. stands for “Generated Low Output Voltage Emitter.” How low is that output? According to the company, per AP:3
The gloves must be applied directly to someone’s skin to deliver a pain stimulus that typically helps an officer gain compliance within seconds, according to the company.
Did you say, “within seconds?” And “pain stimulus????!” Sign me up! I might even start drinking again so I can hang out in bars wearing the gloves and an old man’s “get off my lawn” attitude. Who says you can’t have fun during your twilight years?
Or maybe I can add a distinctive touch to the role of Walmart greeter. The possibilities are endless.
ICE even gives the gloves a funny, Orwellian name: “conductive distraction and de-escalation devices.”
I personally prefer “Buzz Gloves,” ICE, but you do you.
The Buzz Gloves are just a tiny part of the ICE budget: $20 million, which tells me ICE has got all sorts of other fun stuff planned for the inner sadist in me.
I decided to check out the handy user manual for the gloves, and wow, was I pleased. Just the first page was a delight:4
I can imagine the DHS (Department of Homeland Security) spokesperson after the first fatality: “The illegal and criminal immigrant was resisting arrest and threatening our patriotic officers. Reports of the officer choking the criminal while attempting to restrain her are inaccurate. We regret that her nine-year-old child also expired when she tried to intervene, but this is a reminder that if you are an illegal alien, we will find you, and we will arrest you.”
What other goodies await me in the user manual? Well, after that promising start, I decided to dig in.
I skipped all the way to section 6.3 of the manual because it looked like the most fun:
Agitated Chaotic Event (ACE) previously known as Excited Delirium Syndrome (ExDS) and Suicidal Considerations
Agitated chaotic event is basically my middle name, so I rushed to that section like a MAGAt sniffing out bad crypto. That part was slightly disappointing, but as I scrolled down, I noticed this section just before it:
6.2 PHYSIOLOGICAL CONSIDERATIONS
CD3s may increase the affects that can cause sudden death including physiological changes with:
• Increase in blood pressure
• Changes in blood chemistry
• Increase in respiration and heart rates
• Changes in heart rhythm
• Increase in Adrenaline
• The longer the CD3 exposure, the greater the potential risk
Can I just say here that a manual stating, “The longer the CD3 exposure, the greater the potential risk,” will be like catnip to my fellow sadists in my new job?
If this product doesn’t help recruitment among my fellow white male brethren living in fear of the extinction of the mighty white race, as well as all men, I don’t know what will.
Oh! Maybe this:
Buzz Vests!
The company that makes G.L.O.V.E. also makes a nice little vest to help transport those nasty, squirmy illegal aliens to far-off places they’ve never heard of.
Or maybe just by transport van to a domestic concentration camp. Either way, with that budget, we can be pretty sure they’ll all be wearing Buzz Vests.
Time for a test
I hope you’ve had your morning coffee or are otherwise alert, because I’m going to give you a little test.
It’s not as difficult as those crazy hard cognitive tests they give the caterer-in-chief every few days, but it’s pretty damn difficult.
The instructions: examine this E-vest marketing GIF below and let us know in the comments what you think the vest does.
With ICE’s new, unlimited budget, they’ll be able to stockpile these things like the human gas giant in the Oval Office has stocked up on Epstein file references over the years.
The thing is, these new toys will barely put a dent in ICE’s new budget.
I did the maths, and the cost of the gloves to ICE is only .0005% of the budget.
Oh, my friends, there is so much more to come.
Aren’t those of you who didn’t vote for Kamala because you had yourself a litmus test she failed happy with yourselves now?
I have a great idea for those of you who didn’t vote for her. Offer your services to Compliant Technologies to be a test subject for all their new products.
Notes
The manual also includes this bit of info, which I’ll include verbatim to stimulate the comment section:
The G.L.O.V.E. SHALL NOT be deployed for any of the following:
Verbal defiance or belligerence
Punishment
Torture
Horse play
Avoid using the G.L.O.V.E. against certain portions of the population to include:
The elderly
Small children
Pregnant women
The severely handicapped
If they think I’m buying these things and not using them for horseplay, they’re crazy.
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Footnotes
Foley, Ryan J. “ICE Plans to Give Officers Gloves That Can Deliver Electric Shocks.” AP News, August 11, 2026. https://apnews.com/article/ice-electric-shock-gloves-85ff746d3e0ee5f39e7a9a3f1f576252.
In another Orwellian twist, the company calls electrocution weapons “de-escalation devices”:
https://www.complianttechnologies.net/
Well, yeah. De-escalation because you’ve electrocuted the dude. Duh.
AP News, ibid
The manual can be found here, but if they take it down, let me know, because I saved a copy:
https://drive.google.com/file/d/1cQ176YYgNl3VXCgLX0ScoihsfXyATpfY/view
Yesterday I posted:
I hope they forget to take the gloves off when they have to pee!
I hear you on almost start drinking again. When I read about the gloves yesterday I got pretty depressed. Doesn't appear to be any end to this crap anytime soon.